What a carry on .......

Darnell started this week in philosophical mood by telling us how men always finish their meal at the table whereas women quite often sit down to eat knowing they won’t finish their dinner. It was an interesting analogy. It took Sara a while to realise he wasn’t actually talking about food.

Life in the house for dreary Nic didn’t improve this week. The first drama started on Day 75 when her boyfriend noticed she had a big hair growing down her bum crack. Not the sort of thing a young girl wants advertising on national TV. Mikey was not impressed with this revelation either and decided he didn’t want his dinner cooked by someone who’s had their hands down a bum hole. I don’t blame him really.

This year’s housemates are certainly scoring high on the Gross-o-meter. Craving another can of cheap cider drove Mo to eating one of Mikey’s bogeys. It was a big one too. I reckon it was a half chewed sprout from last week that had got lodged up there after his ordeal with a bucket of Brussels.

The Roman task was great. The housemates running around the garden in togas, being chased by killer wasps, was like something out of Carry On Cleo. All this scene lacked was Luke screaming ‘Infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it in for me’ and Becs as a nubile slave girl with her baps out. The housemates finally finished their masticated mosaics of Rex. Their artworks were interesting interpretations of Rex, ranging from ET in a pink hoodie to Ricky Hatton after a brutal left hook to the face.

We’ve really been spoiled with the tasks this year. The BB team have surpassed themselves. The Thriller debacle was hilarious. Rex struggled badly trying to choreograph the hapless housemates and he even tried getting rid of Mikey and Kat at one point to make sure they passed. This move backfired spectacularly and probably secured Nicole’s fate and she sulked and whinged with her boyfriend at the lesser mortal’s inability to follow their lead. I’m not surprised Mikey got frustrated. How the hell was he supposed to follow directions like ‘This way. That way. Do this’?

The final performance was another BB classic. Nicole’s pointy features and stiff dancing was like watching Pinnochio learning to walk without his strings. Lisa looked like Norman Bate’s mother and Mikey just did his own thing at the back like a demented runner bean. Big Brother had to let the pass. It was genius.

No surprise that nasty Nic was booted out this week but 94% of the vote in a 3-way eviction was pretty spectacular. Her reception from the crowd was hideous but she put on a brave face and a dress that looked like a toilet roll holder. There was a bit of a quivering lip as Davina hauled her through the baying crowd. The realization of how awful her relationship is with Rex seemed to dawn on her mid-way through her interview. Her best bits were mostly crying, moaning and backing away from her over-bearing boyfriend. I felt a bit sorry for her to be honest. I hope she dumps Rex as soon as she’s made a few quid from Heat magazine.

Now you know I’m a huge fan of Davina and she’s looked fit and fab every Friday…..so far. What the hell was wardrobe thinking this week? That outfit was awful. All she needed was a tartan bonnet and the Supergran in leggings look would have been complete.

Push Pineapple, Shake the Tree

The house Olympics was another genius task. The opening ceremony was more even moving than Beijing 2008. The housemates proved that you don’t need $100 million to put on a great show. All you need is a few yards of ribbon and a lack of coordination to get an emotional response from your audience. I felt like a proud parent watching his kids at the end of term show.

The highlight of the Games for me was Rex trying to make his palm tree look bigger whilst scratching his coconuts. I also loved Mikey on his podium in a gold track suit. He looked like an Academy Award.

Talking of awards. Mikey caused more discomfort amongst the housemates when he told another one of his awkward anecdotes. He grinned and nodded his way through a tale of the time he went to the toilet before collecting a radio award. After washing his hands he went straight on stage to accept the award with his knob still hanging out.

Mikey had another disgusting food episode this week when he decided to smear Darnell with melted chocolate and lick it off his nipple. It was like watching gay splodge porn from Eastern Europe.

I’ve been loving Lisa this week. The broad shouldered babe was a hoot when she was winding up Rex about him being such a short arse. He was fuming that Nicole kept wearing heels that made him look small. Lisa was taking great pleasure in making Rex feel uncomfortable about his lack of stature from behind her fake Prada shades. It was like Alexis Colby on steroids.

Lisa almost became cool this week but her coolness was short lived when she threw herself into a chorus of Agadoo wearing yellow lycra and knew all the dance moves too. She’s a walking Ripley’s Believe It Or Not show. We’ve had amazing facts about aliens and crystal balls but this week she outdid herself by announcing that Wakefield has wasps that are more deadly than rattlesnakes. Someone should tell DEFRA!

Poor Nicole spent the week trying not to mention Las Vegas strippers and wriggling out of Rex’s bear hugs. She tried not washing to repel his constant cloying but to no avail. Rex braved the whiff to suffocate her with his love whilst slagging her off to any housemate who could be bothered to listen to his version of this dysfunctional relationship.

Self conscious Stu bid farewell to a less than bothered house on Friday. The only thing I remember about his eviction was when he decided to dive into the crowd and the audience all backed away, letting him crash to the floor. Well you would dive for cover if a side of beef wearing a scarf was hurtling towards you.

The house has been even more paranoid than usual this week with everyone being suspicious about how genuine the others are being. Mo had the best response and proof that he’s the real deal. "I haven't over-exaggerated anything since I've been here," he said proudly. "I've farted from Day One that I walked in and I'm still farting. I'll fart just the way I farted when I walked in here." You can’t argue with that!

Only 2 weeks to go but we have X Factor kicking off to feed our need to laugh at deluded wannabes. My first impression of the new addition to the judging panel is that Dannii shouldn’t sit next to Cheryl. She makes Kylie’s less charismatic sister look like Skeletor.

Swamp Thing

Well the week started with some tabloid tattle that suggested Mario had intended to propose to Lisa while he was in the house. What a missed opportunity. It could have been Big Brother’s first same-sex marriage ;-)

As Rex’s girlfriend settled into the house we discovered that she’d worked in pantomimes before. She’ll fit in to the house, no problem. I’m just not convinced Rex is her Prince Charming. Their body language is like a cat and a sparrow shut in a wheelie bin. Rex’s domineering cuddles are more like watching The Undertaker putting a headlock on Hulk Hogan than a loving boyfriend.

Rex and Nicole continued to grapple with each other all week over the divide, whilst new Head of House Rachel tried her best to endear herself to everyone. She was thwarted at every turn and landed up in more hot water than it took to wash a trolley load of dirty dishes. God help the education system these days with teachers like Rachel who don’t know the meaning of the word ‘peril’.

Another relationship in the house was having it’s ups and downs. Darnell was certainly having that problem in his shorts every time slinky Sara was close by. Instead of trying to disguise his embarrassment at Sara’s hugs and flirting he wore his heart on his trakkie bottoms and was following her around like a giant poodle all week. His insecurities spilled out all over the bedroom when he got jealous of the flirty Aussie chatting with surly Stu. His paranoia created a whole sub-plot about Kat and Rachel conspiring to help Sara get into Stuart’s pants and using him as a scapegoat. No I still don’t understand the concept either. Me thinks he’s missing his wacky backy!

Mo’s been a bit like wallpaper recently so it was refreshing to see him stumbling out of the Diary Room this week in silver wedge sandals and ankle socks. It’s not the first time that Mo’s been in touch with his feminine side. I wonder what Alex would have said at his latest venture into transvestism. If they ever do a black, gay, Muslim version of Grease, he’d make a great Pink Lady.

There was a lot of food around this week which is not a good thing with Mikey around. Now I know he’s blind but my dogs had better table manners. Things got off to a sickly start when he decided to masticate a bucket of sprouts and regurgitate his efforts to make it easier to swallow. Two hours later he gave up, beaten by the smelly green bile that covered his face and hair. He looked like Swamp Thing with a bilious stomach upset.

His involvement in the cake making task was a scream. He mixed the icing with his bare hands, much to Nicole’s horror. He then proceeded to dump the gloopy contents of his bowl over the cake, but completely missed the target and iced the table leg instead.

Despite having messy Mikey on the team, Rachel decided that Hell’s Millenium Dome cake was a winner. To me it looked more like someone had tipped over a sanitary towel bin.

The only highlight of a very dull eviction was the extremely gratuitous task thrown at Stu & Dale at the last minute to make sure we got our pound of bronzed flesh. The only point of the two Himbos dashing around the house in skimpy Speedos was obviously to give us something to watch later on V+ with freeze frame.

Nothing much changed after Dimbo was evicted and reunited with his Northern Cash Cow. Darnell continued to moon over Sara. Stuart and Mo sat around not saying very much and Rex and Nicole bickered over stuff they couldn’t talk about.

I can’t believe my views on Rex have changed so much in the last 7 days. His childish tantrums and constant nagging at Nicole are unbearable to watch.

The pinnacle of his strops had to be the way he reacted to Nicole discovering he had an ‘outy’ belly button. He was furious that she didn’t already know what direction it went. You’d have thought she’d made reference to his Arthur Scargill comb-over from his black mood.

You're Nic'd

This week started quietly after the departure of the pot bellied pig. It was more quiet than a Blackpool salad bar for the first few days after Bec's eviction.

Whilst King Rex got more comfortable in his royal role, Dale and Luke spent the week sulking on the deckchairs. All they needed was a windbreak and a thermos flask and they wouldn't have looked out of place on a Bank Holiday Monday in Whitley Bay.

Simple Stu has been doing his fair share of whinging too. Apparently he has very little success with women. Perhaps if he spent more time developing a personality instead of his biceps he might improve his chances.

It didn't take long for Big Brother to liven things up. The Cops & Robbers task was a hoot. The lads looked like they were about to burst into a rousing chorus of YMCA. The best aspect of the task was the fact that it wasn't a task at all. The real responsibility fell on Dim Dale to secure the luxury budget for the house. You didn't need Tarot cards or a crystal ball to predict the outcome. As soon as he sat in the interrogation chair his gormless grin just screamed 'I dunnit'.

The Nomination Booth was genius. Just proved that they are all a load of backstabbing liars who don't seem capable of keeping to their word. The Heavenly Officers used the opportunity to agree a tactical plan for this week's nominations. High fives and handshakes done they all went in the Diary Room and nominated other people.

A minor slip up in the Lineup task developed into a major headache for Lisa and Luke. Not only did they pick out the wrong girl in the task room but dug themselves deeper and deeper into the shit by slagging off girl number 3 in the lineup. Won't it be awful when the meet Rex's girlfriend at the wrap party!!!!!

The shopping budget was only £77 this week so rather than sweat over the price of chick peas, Rex just opted to buy tea, coffee, milk, sugar and some custard creams and blew the rest on 57 of Big Brothers Ever Changing Tokens. It was a genius risk but Big Brother appreciated his boldness and delivered a feast of epic proportions to the house. There was even a dead pig in the Store Room that had more personality than that Maythingy person.

Maysoon decided to leave this week. It looked like a push job to me. I reckon the producers were so hacked off that they'd put this dullard into the house that they did a secret deal with her to get her out. Probably secured her a modelling contract with JML to get her boring ass out of the house. Surely there must have been someone better at the auditions? Maybe they'd look elsewhere for the next housemate ;-)

After all the nomination intrigue, in and out of the booth, it turned out Dale and Luke were up for eviction. In what looked suspiciously like a panic attack, the producers decided to issue out a load of punishments for talking about noms and put most of the house up. Would Luke survive the public vote in this larger pool?

With so many housemates up for eviction we had a right good fashion show as they all squeezed into eviction outfits of varying quality. Kat looked like a pink flowerpot. Rex strutted around in an ivory hoodie with sequins and lurex. No doubt an exclusive purchase from the leisure range at liberace.com. Luke looked like a teenager going to his big sister's wedding and Rachel really should have thought about some tummy control pants when she was packing.

The Great British Public didn't let me down. Loathesome Luke got the Big E and I'm so happy that I won't have to listen to that affected little twerp for the rest of the summer. No doubt he'll soon be found touring Butlins as the ring announcer at their Holiday Wrestling nights.

Within minutes of Luke leaving the house Big Brother threw the housemates another curve ball and delivered another of his Ever Changes Prizes. Having heard endlessly about the extraordinary beauty that is Rex's girlfriend for the last 8 weeks, who should appear in the store room but the gorgeous girl herself.

Rex's princess cantered into the house like his very own My Little Pony. Tossing and flicking her rather dry hair she hugged and nudged her man with her slightly equine nose.

She was in trouble almost immediately after she jumped the fence to get closer to her man. Instead of being awarded a clear round she was quickly led back to Hell and told she wouldn't now be getting her suitcase. Don't worry love. I'm sure they'll chuck in a few bails of straw for you.

The best laugh this week had to be Mikey eating the hottest chilli in the world. It should have had a voiceover by David Attenborough. It was like watching the final death throes of a large lizard of Living with Reptiles.

This week ended with another highlight. The pressure finally got to crazy Lisa. After all the excitement of eviction night and Nicole entering the house, her fixed stare turned even more psychotic. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she crashed out of the house like the Incredible Hulk in wedge sandals. I think the Security Guards shot her with a tranquiliser dart before she caused too manage damage and she was back in the house within the hour looking calm and distant again.

The term 'box of frogs' springs to mind. I bloody love it!

Mama Mia!

Well I'm back in clammy Croydon having survived 2 weeks of searing heat, angry wasps, peanut butter poo and stifling transport, squashed up against hairy Europeans smelling of fags and pizza. It was like a home from home!

It was a fantasic holiday filled with new experiences. It's not everyone who can claim to have spent an afternoon on a nudist beach discussing DFS sofas with an old queen from Blackpool. What made this scene so memorable was the fact that he spent the whole conversation flapping his balls around in the sea breeze and I couldn't help but notice that his genitals bore a striking to resemblance to Father Christmas with a stinking cold.

As you might expect I had some typical mishaps during the fortnight. The most painful happened late in the first week. We'd had a lovely day on the beach and I'd spent a lot of time languishing in the shallows to cool down. I decided to leave early this day because I wanted to pick up shome shopping on the way back to the apartment. I'd pretty much dried off in the sun so just wandered back into town for a browse.

After about half an hour I started to feel a bit of chaffing between my legs. Damn I thought. My shorts must must have been a bit damp. Too late to do anything about it, I went about my business and as the pain got worse I started to walk like I'd shit my pants. The more I tried not to look like my nappy was full the more awkward my gait became and no matter what I did, the pain at the top of my thighs was getting worse and starting to make my eyes water.

I waddled slowly back to the apartment and eased into the bathroom to check out the damage. As I pulled down my swim shorts I discovered I'd been walking around town with a couple of pounds of wet gravel from the beach trapped in the pant lining of my shorts!

As if in slow motion and due to the excess weight, my shorts dropped to the floor and a substantial amount of Megali Amos beach scattered all over our lovely clean marble floor. We were still standing on stray bits of crunchy beach a week later. I went through a tube of Savlon over the next couple of days and spent most of the time in a sarong so as not to aggravate the red welts between my legs.

We were holidaying on Skiathos which is one of my favourite Greek islands. They filmed Mama Mia there last year and the movie was showing at the open air cinema there. We just had to go and see it. It was a magical night. Singing and dancing along to an ABBA movie under the stars probaby scores rather high on the Campometer. Ghostly sea birds soared overhead as we all got on the floor for the reprise of Dancing Queen at the end. One of mates got a bit carried away and knocked over our table, spilling a full glass of Ouzo over my brand new trainers. I've washed them 3 times since but there's still a whiff of aniseed under my bed.

I don't know if I've mentioned before but my HM seems to have developed a fetish for people with disabilities. Over the last couple of years we've seen him getting off with what could pass for the British Paralymic Squad. This strange obsession continued on holiday as we were introduced to his latest Greek flame. The holiday romance this year was with a deaf mute called George.

To be honest I didn't miss Big Brother while I was away but am right back into it again. So we lost Slimy Shaun and Bloater Becs during my excursion to The Med. No surprises there then.
This week we have most of the house up for eviction which is clearly some attempt by the producers to save the 'characters' of the house. I'm not sure it will work. Loathesome Luke is getting more like Spoilt Bastard from the Viz comic every week. I suspect his days are numbered.

I wonder how they're going to squeeze 9 friends and families into the BBLB studio on Friday. It'll be just like the Skiathos beach bus in there.

Belated postcard over. Normal service will be restored after the next eviction x

Night of the Scatwoman

I’m totally fed up with Mario and his endless tales of his extensive work experience. That colourful CV is more fabricated than Lee McQueen off The Apprentice. When he claimed to have worked as a stunt double for Paul Burrell nobody thought to ask what stunts an ex-butler might be doing.

Mario must be the only man that can make working as a postman sound like The Bourne Conspiracy. He suggested his departure from the PO was very clandestine. Luke was hanging on every word as Mario winked and squinted behind his fake D&G shades. He looked shifty. Maybe he’s worried that MI5 are surveying the house.

The only job that doesn’t seem to appear on Mario’s list of achievements is Executive Chef. I reckon that’s why he’s jealous of Rex but what I want to know is - what the hell is one of them? Is it someone who cooks the books? Sorry ;-)

Dale was in a foul mood after his Jen got the old heave-ho. Scruffy Sara was doing her best to win him over but the surly Scouser was having none of it. When she complimented him on his looks and said he was very youthful he spat back ‘Thanks. That’s really insulting’. I think he was rejecting her friendship to show loyalty to the ex. Little does he know that Geordie Jen is now slagging him off in the tabloids after seeing his audition VT. I think that’s called Karma.

I’m always struggling to find something to write about redundant Rachel. She really is a useless housemate. Her shocking revelation this week was that she can eat lots of grapes. I wonder if that’s what swung it for her at her Big Brother audition. Hey! I can eat a whole jar of peanut butter whilst watching Big Brother’s Big Mouth. I might audition next year.

Belinda is getting a lot of stick this week. Despite the Scatwoman’s attempts to entertain and audition for Ronnie Scott’s she’s gone down like, and resembles, a lead balloon. Poor Scatwoman, Scatwoman, Scatwoman. Her snoring has caused another furore. This lot can bitch and argue at the best of times without adding sleep deprivation into the mix. Belinda has been bullied into moving between bedrooms each night to spread her nocturnal noises across the house more fairly. If I was in there I’d be asking for Luke and Bex to spread themselves a bit more thinly too.

The newbies have created the usual paranoia amongst the paranoid in the house. Rebecca is convinced Sara is fake because she wears the same foundation as her. I don’t think that’s true. Rebecca looks like she buys her makeup at Cash Converters.

Luke suspects the girls are BB agents because they’re immune from nominations. Has he not watched the show before? Mario P.I. is also suspicious and claims to have probed Sarah a few times. I wonder if Lisa knows?

Luke also thinks he’s being attacked by a poltergeist during the night. No Luke. That’s just burly Bex tossing in her sleep. I’m convinced that Rebecca is also to blame for the evil smells in the toilet. You watch. Every time someone talks about a stink she’s hovering in the background looking guilty. Is it just me or does Bex actually look like she smells of lager and chips.

In the shopping task dull Dale transformed into Mr Motivator. He took his role very seriously but was like Michael Flatley without the ability to flick an ankle. He produced a quivering mass of jiggling breasts, muscles and love handles. More Blubber Dance than River Dance.

Lisa is the clumsiest aerobics teacher I’ve ever seen. No sense of rhythm at all. She dances like The Incredible Hulk. Little wonder they failed miserably.

I’d like to say thanks for all your nice comments and feedback. I’m off on holiday for 2 weeks. I can feel the withdrawal symptoms kicking in already x

Happy Happy Hirsute House

The housemates reacted very oddly to Sylvia’s departure. It seemed like they dealt with their upset by grooming. I noticed this strange behaviour when I caught Lisa shaving her moustache with a Bic whilst exfoliating Mario’s knees in the bath.

Dale started growing his facial hair but that was more about competing with the other ape for the affections of stringy Jen. Have you noticed that gorilla Stu has vey peculiar arms. Not sure exercise alone is responsible for those chunky chappies.

As if Big Brother was feeling this vibe he asked all the housemates to trim their bushes. I don’t think it was related to the task but at one point a boozed up Becs was running round the garden screaming ‘Look I got no bum hair’ Classy! Rebecca is why they built Magaluf. Her topless antics in the garden last week covered in yellow sun lotion just made me think – Custard Tart. The daft bint is really making herself look stupid. The housemates were aghast when she said she thought rapper Jay-Z was in the Backstreet Boys. The NHS must be worse that I thought if they’re employing people like Becs to look after patients.

The ‘blind leading the blind’ task was a cracker too, although that title really could apply to any task on Big Brother. After the task everyone was feeling in awe of Mikey after their own blind experience. In less than 20 minutes they were all bitching about him behind his back again.

The animal task was a hoot, with our very own Mean Girls getting their just desserts. Jen and Becs spent the 2 days in soggy, cold seal suits stinking like an early morning at Billingsgate fish market.

Mario must be getting really horny by now. He keeps winking at Lisa and coming out with juvenile innuendos about her sitting on his microphone. Lisa and her talking breasts are having none of it though and she’s even taken to wearing tights under her shorts as a sort of nylon chastity device.

Mario’s not the only one up to double entendre. During the Zoo task Luke kept making reference to Mikey’s elephant helmet.

We learned this week that Luke doesn’t like going topless because of his unattractive chest. Shame Rebecca doesn’t follow his example. I’m really not liking Luke and his camp shit stirring. He’s like Frank Sidebottom playing Charles Hawtrey in Carry on Dick...head.

After more annoying rule breaks, Becs was sent to jail and broke the mirror in the cell. I’m not surprised it broke having to look at her moon face for a 7 hour stretch. That’s 7 year’s bad luck and I reckon her luck will start to run out on Monday. There’ll be another spare fishy bed by next Friday. You mark my words.

Jen got booed out of the house wearing what she called a prom dress. Looked more like Julie Andrews had run it up using her Nan’s curtains. Talk about chucking out the chintz. Poor Dim Dale. How will he cope without his Geordie ironing board?

With Jen now heading to Heat magazine to talk triangles it was time for Davina to introduce us to the 3 brand spanking new housemates. Sara, the angular Aussie seems nice but then they always do. Antipodeans have a knack of endearing themselves to us naïve Pommes and then, before you know it, we have 12 of the buggers camping out in our lounge.

Next up we got a stunning but sour-faced Syrian. She might produce some morning tent action in the boy’s beds but I wouldn’t put money on her facilitating a Happy House at any time soon. May soon? I bet she has Kat in tears by Tuesday.

Belinda flew in on Boeing bingo wings, wearing a Halloween lantern. A bit madcap mum but then I thought Carole was like that last year on first impressions. How wrong can you be!

The 3 girls have caused quite a stir in the house. The only person who appeared unmoved by events was Dale. He was just stood around with that gormless mug on him as the girls settled in.

I am so hooked again this year.