The one about the D&G specs (June 2004)

After an evening cursing at all things broadband I thought I'd just switch the whole damn lot off before I burst a blood vessel. Snuggled under the duvet to watch a bit of telly. Wondering if there would be any more punch ups in the Big Brother house tonight.

Next thing I know I'm woken by something poking into my cheek. Lifting my head off the pillow and squinting in the semi-darkness I see my new D&G specs staring back at me in bits. I was still half alseep so anger didn't hit me at that precise moment. Instead I just kinda looked at them for a bit - well 5 bits to be exact. I'm wide awake now and after a few muttered expletives I rolled over to check the time and sent the bed side lamp flying across the room taking the clock, my mobile phone and a bottle of Nivea sensitive balm with it. Needless to say the dog starts having hysteria at all this commotion. I slump out of bed screaming abuse at the dog and pick up the debris from the floor. It's 6.40am on a Saturday morning!

Oh and did I mention that the TV is still on but has somehow changed from E4 to MTV Dance during my fight with the specs and on comes Alice Deejay singing about it how we're 'Better off alone'................Belgian Bitch!

So I chase the dog down the hall to the kitchen muttering obscenities. It's really hard to make STFU sound like you mean it when you're whispering. Make a cup of coffee and chuck some Cesar in her dish to shut her up. Was just about to go back to bed when Mr T surfaces in his Littlewood's boxer shorts and a knitted brow. I apologise for waking him and make some more coffee. He's now staring at me and looking a bit concerned. I know I'm no oil painting in the morning but this is a bit unsettling. Finally he says 'What happened to you'. What did he mean? 'Your face'.

I go into the bathroom and there before me is what can only be described as a seagull attack! My face is covered in scratches. All over. With a sliver of raw flesh hanging off the end of my nose! How could the D&Gs have caused so much damage? Mind you looking at the pillow carnage it must have been quite a fracas during the night.

After a shower and a bottle of Tea Tree lotion the visage was looking slightly better but blimey - what a mess.

Had to go shopping to Sainsburys so I covered up in a baseball cap and sunglasses 'a la Posh Spice' to hide the chopped up face and just drew more attention to myself.

Bumped into fat bloke and his noisy bird from over the road (the pair that leave their windows open during love-making so we can all hear her sounding like she's having her wisdom teeth extracted with a spanner) and she asks why I'm in disguise.

So I take the cap and glasses off and she nods sagely 'Got a new kitten Steve'. I didn't feel inclined to tell it was a pair of F'ing D&G specs.