War and Peas

I’d like to start this week with quite possibly the best quote of the series so far. It came from Brian during the final nominations.“Jonty is an OK guy. But I’ll be having a good conversation with someone and he’ll come over and ruin it by talking about Bruce Forsyth. It’s just really annoying when random Bruce Forsyths are brought into the conversation…” I know what he means. I’d get hacked off at random Bruce Forsyths too.

It was a hoot was watching Chloe Madeley clattering around the Big Mouth set in 5 inch heels, like an unsteady baby deer with pert boobs. Bless her. I thought her and Jack did a great job. Watch out Mum and Dad. The kids could be planning a coup!

The concept of not dropping one’s H’s drove Tracey to tears in the Posh Task. She should’ve taken some of her own advice and just dealt with it!

There was almost a serious debate on the class system. Gerry would have been well impressed. However the brow was lowered when Amanda decided to use Jack from Titanic to demonstrate her point. Actually it was a bloody good point and made more sense than Brian and Tracey just whinging about posh folk.

Kara Louise sealed her fate by plucking her armpits and teasing Ziggy just before the nominations. I don’t know why he got so upset at being called Goldilocks. I can think of much worse names to call him ;-)

I've never seen such bad dancers in all my life. It's really not that difficult to waltz but during the BB Ball, Brian looked like he was edging along a cliff face as he clung on to a tipsy Tracey. Jonty's interpretation of the foxtrot was even worse. He was pushing Carole around the floor like she was an industrial floorboard sander. Isn't it weird how drunk people always land up doing something that resembles jiving no matter what music they're dancing to.

As expected, the shopping list power struggle continued despite Carole’s promises to relinquish control. What on earth does she do with all those carrots? The mind boggles! Despite an apparent calm over the cuisine compromises there was a few tense moments that didn’t go unnoticed. The stew boiled over when the housemates decided to trade a few of veggie treats for a couple of beers and a bop. Cries of ‘Not the Piccalilli’ could be heard as far away as the Scratchwood Services.

Tracey and Kara Louise left the house on Friday looking like Worzel and Aunt Sally going on a first date. Poor Kara never stood a chance in there. She landed up like the Housemate equivalent of a book token.

Ziggy’s cool seemed to desert him during the BB Quiz. The ‘It’s me, not you’ line came back to haunt him as he squirmed by his buzzer. Worse was to come when he bumped into a very sexy looking Chanelle in the lobby. Stinking of Smokey Bacon crisps and with hair that’s getting bigger than Andrew Castle’s, he was speechless at the brief return of his former bed mate.

Will they or won’t they get back together? Will Carole survive the last week without her carrots? Can Brian and Jonty keep the contents of their pants under wraps until the Final? If Liam tires before the winning post will he talk even more slowly? Will I ever be able to understand a word the Twins say?

There’s only a few days left to find out!

Love Don't Live Here Anymore

Just as it looked like Love Don’t Live Here Anymore, a tipsy Brian and Manda slurped each other noisily under the duvet after a glass of wine. Their kissing sounded like someone trying to drink a McDonald’s milk shake with a bent straw. Would this be the next big romance in the house? Shut up! After a few nervous grins the next morning it looks like Brian is going solo again with only hairy shoulders and man boobs sharing his bed.

Carole was obsessing about the food again. It was bad enough that people actually ate the Crunchy Nut Cornflakes but I thought she might walk when Kara stuffed the chicken with her nut roast. After some cake baking therapy, Carole composed herself and decided to take her revenge in the Diary Room during nominations.

No surprise that the newbies were all up this week but boy did the slop hit the fan when Amy, Kara and Jonty were shown all the nominations. Jonty sniggered at the complaints about his farting and Kara just cried again. Amy was affronted at being labelled a gold digging slag and seethed in the bathroom whilst Brian nodded sympathetically at her cleavage.

The dreams task was a bit bizarre even by Big Brother standards but I bet it’s not the first time some of the housemates have had a cheesy helmet.

Next up was catwalk modelling and we had Liam and Jonty swishing around the house like Boy George and Philip Salon arriving at the Blitz Club. It was nice to see the lads getting close to their feminine side but I’m not sure Ziggy’s ‘Joyce Grenfell @ Claire’s Accessories’ look was a winner to be honest.

Gerry seemed less than impressed with Jonty and Monkety Tunkety fraternising with Freddy in the bedroom on Friday. He nipped things in the bud by accidentally (on purpose) sucking up his small woolly chimp with the hoover. A look of Hannibal Lecter flashed across Jonty’s face. If I was Gerry I’d sleep with one eye open from now on.

I don’t think the housemates missed Amy after she left. Amanda was deffo confused too. Apparently she thought that Amy thought that she thought that Amy thought that she thought she didn’t like her. Or something like that.Something’s happened to Tracey this week. She’s rampant. The way she was preying on Liam and Ziggy at the weekend was like an alpha she-wolf who’d just come into season. All it took was the lads in wet shorts and 2 glasses of wine and she was terrifying the bewildered boys with her sexual advances. I think she really wanted to ‘ave it!

I’m getting so tired of the Food Monitor. Carole’s narking is getting beyond a joke now. Another cereal battle broke out as Gerry was targeted again for eating without permission. Even Liam & Ziggy are feeling uncomfortable with their Mama’s dining room dominance. In the middle of the raging battle Brian contemplated a solution to the food shortage when he found a bogey up his nose. Now that’s a real Guru!

The highlight of the week actually occurred outside the house when Dermot appeared on BBLB in head to toe pink lycra and treated Davina and the viewers to something interesting going on between his legs. Dermot complained about the state of his feet. Trust me mate. No one was looking at your feet!