Sunday, 31 August 2008

Viva Las Lisa!

Well did Rex’s surly demeanour sweeten once Nic the Nag left the house? Like hell it did. The small, ginger cook sunk to new depths this week with his attacks on the female members of the house. Only scary Lisa escaped the bullying and I suspect that’s because he’s intimidated by her huge biceps, unruly breasts and psychic stare. The sight of Lisa bouncing on the trampoline in a crop top is enough to make any man’s blood run cold. The Army should sign her up and send her to Afghanistan. Lisa Appleton, Woman of Mass Destruction!

At last we got a task that greedy Mo could get his teeth into. Eating a vat of spaghetti in 2 hours was a task made in heaven for Mo, or so you’d have thought. Perhaps he’d been snacking again but not even the human waste disposal unit was able to get the housemates even close to completing the task. After struggling with the pasta the lads decided to do a bit of exercise to help their digestion. Unfortunately their game of sanitary towel football ended swiftly when poor Mikey got it in the neck whilst happily splashing around in the pool. I hope that red mark on his neck was bruising!

The Las Vegas task was fun. Was that Tinky Winky making a guest appearance at the show? No it was just Kat in purple lycra struggling with her boxes. Of course they saved the best for last. Don’t go breaking my heart was a fabulous train wreck. Mikey ripped his way through some of the lyrics looking like Catherine Tate after a night out at Jumping Jacks and 15 Bacardi Breezers.

Later that night we had the Live Show and Davina wearing a Teflon tablecloth. The face to face nominations didn’t really freak the housemates and they took it all in their stride. Some of them were a bit more put out when they realized they’d just handed Lisa and Sara £25k each. Suckered!

Lisa’s had a few climaxes this week! The first started as she was telling the housemates how she met Mario in a car park after buying a crystal ball from him off E-bay, like Brief Encounter for the dogging generation. Right on cue, Mario appeared in the garden wearing an ill-fitting dinner suit and a cheap plastic rose, to propose to his workout buddy. Of course she said yes and they spent a couple of minutes licking the window to seal the deal.

Rex is obviously going for the female vote next week. He’s been topless for most of it even although the weather has been like November in Dundee. Not a very clever move matey. Look what happened to the other beefcake. Beefcake? Rex is more like a little ginger snap.

The other problem with his strategy is the way freckly Rexy has been behaving towards Kat, Rachel and particularly Sara, this week. He’s been rude and insulting to all of them in varying degrees. His treatment of Sara became very uncomfortable to watch as he ground her down and encouraged Darnell & Mo to upset her at every opportunity. I can’t imagine his bullying and arrogance would endear him to any female with an ounce of sense. However Jeremy Kyle still manages to find a regular supply of sad, scared women locked into unhealthy relationships with arrogant control freaks like him. No matter what these men do they all just land up saying ‘but I love him’.

If Rex was the gang leader it was his self abusing sidekick that took things to an even lower level. Darnell’s cruel attack on the poor Aussie was revolting. He later claimed that the words weren’t directed at her personally but to all women. No wonder he’s a virgin. The only thing that made me laugh during this whole sorry episode was when Mikey observed that Darnell was a psychiatrist’s wet dream. I think he’s an incoherent, wanker but I bow to Mikey’s genius. Darnell says so much and yet says so little. I swear I can’t understand what the hell he’s going on about during his paranoid rants.

Thankfully Big Brother took exception to the way Sara was being bullied and told both of them that their behaviour was being monitored. Darnell plunged into further despair and flopped around the house saying ‘shit’ all the time. Rex offered Sara a cigarette and shook hands with arch nemesis Mikey. Which one do you think was considering his game plan? Don’t get me wrong. I think every house needs a JR Ewing. I just think this JR just shot himself.

I’m not sure why Sara deserved such a verbal kicking? OK there’s that voice. I’m a huge fan of Kath & Kim but didn’t actually think real people spoke like that until Sara moved into the house.

Lisa’s final climax was the fantastic reception she got from the crowd after being evicted in a very tight vote. The vote couldn’t have been any tighter than the top she was wearing as she bounded down the stairs towards the crowd like 2 kids fighting in a Turkish rug. Once she was in the studio she was like a rabbit in the headlights. Her blank expression at some of Davina’s questions was like she was being interrogated by the Portuguese CID.

Mario turned up again to meet his sturdy spouse. I’m guessing he had a contract with OK Magazine stuffed in his back pocket. I wonder how long it will be before we get exclusive pictures of the happy couple on a tropical island exfoliating their thighs? And why not :-)

Sunday, 24 August 2008

What a carry on .......

Darnell started this week in philosophical mood by telling us how men always finish their meal at the table whereas women quite often sit down to eat knowing they won’t finish their dinner. It was an interesting analogy. It took Sara a while to realise he wasn’t actually talking about food.

Life in the house for dreary Nic didn’t improve this week. The first drama started on Day 75 when her boyfriend noticed she had a big hair growing down her bum crack. Not the sort of thing a young girl wants advertising on national TV. Mikey was not impressed with this revelation either and decided he didn’t want his dinner cooked by someone who’s had their hands down a bum hole. I don’t blame him really.

This year’s housemates are certainly scoring high on the Gross-o-meter. Craving another can of cheap cider drove Mo to eating one of Mikey’s bogeys. It was a big one too. I reckon it was a half chewed sprout from last week that had got lodged up there after his ordeal with a bucket of Brussels.

The Roman task was great. The housemates running around the garden in togas, being chased by killer wasps, was like something out of Carry On Cleo. All this scene lacked was Luke screaming ‘Infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it in for me’ and Becs as a nubile slave girl with her baps out. The housemates finally finished their masticated mosaics of Rex. Their artworks were interesting interpretations of Rex, ranging from ET in a pink hoodie to Ricky Hatton after a brutal left hook to the face.

We’ve really been spoiled with the tasks this year. The BB team have surpassed themselves. The Thriller debacle was hilarious. Rex struggled badly trying to choreograph the hapless housemates and he even tried getting rid of Mikey and Kat at one point to make sure they passed. This move backfired spectacularly and probably secured Nicole’s fate and she sulked and whinged with her boyfriend at the lesser mortal’s inability to follow their lead. I’m not surprised Mikey got frustrated. How the hell was he supposed to follow directions like ‘This way. That way. Do this’?

The final performance was another BB classic. Nicole’s pointy features and stiff dancing was like watching Pinnochio learning to walk without his strings. Lisa looked like Norman Bate’s mother and Mikey just did his own thing at the back like a demented runner bean. Big Brother had to let the pass. It was genius.

No surprise that nasty Nic was booted out this week but 94% of the vote in a 3-way eviction was pretty spectacular. Her reception from the crowd was hideous but she put on a brave face and a dress that looked like a toilet roll holder. There was a bit of a quivering lip as Davina hauled her through the baying crowd. The realization of how awful her relationship is with Rex seemed to dawn on her mid-way through her interview. Her best bits were mostly crying, moaning and backing away from her over-bearing boyfriend. I felt a bit sorry for her to be honest. I hope she dumps Rex as soon as she’s made a few quid from Heat magazine.

Now you know I’m a huge fan of Davina and she’s looked fit and fab every Friday… far. What the hell was wardrobe thinking this week? That outfit was awful. All she needed was a tartan bonnet and the Supergran in leggings look would have been complete.

Monday, 18 August 2008

Push Pineapple, Shake the Tree

The house Olympics was another genius task. The opening ceremony was more even moving than Beijing 2008. The housemates proved that you don’t need $100 million to put on a great show. All you need is a few yards of ribbon and a lack of coordination to get an emotional response from your audience. I felt like a proud parent watching his kids at the end of term show.

The highlight of the Games for me was Rex trying to make his palm tree look bigger whilst scratching his coconuts. I also loved Mikey on his podium in a gold track suit. He looked like an Academy Award.

Talking of awards. Mikey caused more discomfort amongst the housemates when he told another one of his awkward anecdotes. He grinned and nodded his way through a tale of the time he went to the toilet before collecting a radio award. After washing his hands he went straight on stage to accept the award with his knob still hanging out.

Mikey had another disgusting food episode this week when he decided to smear Darnell with melted chocolate and lick it off his nipple. It was like watching gay splodge porn from Eastern Europe.

I’ve been loving Lisa this week. The broad shouldered babe was a hoot when she was winding up Rex about him being such a short arse. He was fuming that Nicole kept wearing heels that made him look small. Lisa was taking great pleasure in making Rex feel uncomfortable about his lack of stature from behind her fake Prada shades. It was like Alexis Colby on steroids.

Lisa almost became cool this week but her coolness was short lived when she threw herself into a chorus of Agadoo wearing yellow lycra and knew all the dance moves too. She’s a walking Ripley’s Believe It Or Not show. We’ve had amazing facts about aliens and crystal balls but this week she outdid herself by announcing that Wakefield has wasps that are more deadly than rattlesnakes. Someone should tell DEFRA!

Poor Nicole spent the week trying not to mention Las Vegas strippers and wriggling out of Rex’s bear hugs. She tried not washing to repel his constant cloying but to no avail. Rex braved the whiff to suffocate her with his love whilst slagging her off to any housemate who could be bothered to listen to his version of this dysfunctional relationship.

Self conscious Stu bid farewell to a less than bothered house on Friday. The only thing I remember about his eviction was when he decided to dive into the crowd and the audience all backed away, letting him crash to the floor. Well you would dive for cover if a side of beef wearing a scarf was hurtling towards you.

The house has been even more paranoid than usual this week with everyone being suspicious about how genuine the others are being. Mo had the best response and proof that he’s the real deal. "I haven't over-exaggerated anything since I've been here," he said proudly. "I've farted from Day One that I walked in and I'm still farting. I'll fart just the way I farted when I walked in here." You can’t argue with that!

Only 2 weeks to go but we have X Factor kicking off to feed our need to laugh at deluded wannabes. My first impression of the new addition to the judging panel is that Dannii shouldn’t sit next to Cheryl. She makes Kylie’s less charismatic sister look like Skeletor.

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

Swamp Thing

Well the week started with some tabloid tattle that suggested Mario had intended to propose to Lisa while he was in the house. What a missed opportunity. It could have been Big Brother’s first same-sex marriage ;-)

As Rex’s girlfriend settled into the house we discovered that she’d worked in pantomimes before. She’ll fit in to the house, no problem. I’m just not convinced Rex is her Prince Charming. Their body language is like a cat and a sparrow shut in a wheelie bin. Rex’s domineering cuddles are more like watching The Undertaker putting a headlock on Hulk Hogan than a loving boyfriend.

Rex and Nicole continued to grapple with each other all week over the divide, whilst new Head of House Rachel tried her best to endear herself to everyone. She was thwarted at every turn and landed up in more hot water than it took to wash a trolley load of dirty dishes. God help the education system these days with teachers like Rachel who don’t know the meaning of the word ‘peril’.

Another relationship in the house was having it’s ups and downs. Darnell was certainly having that problem in his shorts every time slinky Sara was close by. Instead of trying to disguise his embarrassment at Sara’s hugs and flirting he wore his heart on his trakkie bottoms and was following her around like a giant poodle all week. His insecurities spilled out all over the bedroom when he got jealous of the flirty Aussie chatting with surly Stu. His paranoia created a whole sub-plot about Kat and Rachel conspiring to help Sara get into Stuart’s pants and using him as a scapegoat. No I still don’t understand the concept either. Me thinks he’s missing his wacky backy!

Mo’s been a bit like wallpaper recently so it was refreshing to see him stumbling out of the Diary Room this week in silver wedge sandals and ankle socks. It’s not the first time that Mo’s been in touch with his feminine side. I wonder what Alex would have said at his latest venture into transvestism. If they ever do a black, gay, Muslim version of Grease, he’d make a great Pink Lady.

There was a lot of food around this week which is not a good thing with Mikey around. Now I know he’s blind but my dogs had better table manners. Things got off to a sickly start when he decided to masticate a bucket of sprouts and regurgitate his efforts to make it easier to swallow. Two hours later he gave up, beaten by the smelly green bile that covered his face and hair. He looked like Swamp Thing with a bilious stomach upset.

His involvement in the cake making task was a scream. He mixed the icing with his bare hands, much to Nicole’s horror. He then proceeded to dump the gloopy contents of his bowl over the cake, but completely missed the target and iced the table leg instead.

Despite having messy Mikey on the team, Rachel decided that Hell’s Millenium Dome cake was a winner. To me it looked more like someone had tipped over a sanitary towel bin.

The only highlight of a very dull eviction was the extremely gratuitous task thrown at Stu & Dale at the last minute to make sure we got our pound of bronzed flesh. The only point of the two Himbos dashing around the house in skimpy Speedos was obviously to give us something to watch later on V+ with freeze frame.

Nothing much changed after Dimbo was evicted and reunited with his Northern Cash Cow. Darnell continued to moon over Sara. Stuart and Mo sat around not saying very much and Rex and Nicole bickered over stuff they couldn’t talk about.

I can’t believe my views on Rex have changed so much in the last 7 days. His childish tantrums and constant nagging at Nicole are unbearable to watch.

The pinnacle of his strops had to be the way he reacted to Nicole discovering he had an ‘outy’ belly button. He was furious that she didn’t already know what direction it went. You’d have thought she’d made reference to his Arthur Scargill comb-over from his black mood.

Sunday, 3 August 2008

You're Nic'd

This week started quietly after the departure of the pot bellied pig. It was more quiet than a Blackpool salad bar for the first few days after Bec's eviction.

Whilst King Rex got more comfortable in his royal role, Dale and Luke spent the week sulking on the deckchairs. All they needed was a windbreak and a thermos flask and they wouldn't have looked out of place on a Bank Holiday Monday in Whitley Bay.

Simple Stu has been doing his fair share of whinging too. Apparently he has very little success with women. Perhaps if he spent more time developing a personality instead of his biceps he might improve his chances.

It didn't take long for Big Brother to liven things up. The Cops & Robbers task was a hoot. The lads looked like they were about to burst into a rousing chorus of YMCA. The best aspect of the task was the fact that it wasn't a task at all. The real responsibility fell on Dim Dale to secure the luxury budget for the house. You didn't need Tarot cards or a crystal ball to predict the outcome. As soon as he sat in the interrogation chair his gormless grin just screamed 'I dunnit'.

The Nomination Booth was genius. Just proved that they are all a load of backstabbing liars who don't seem capable of keeping to their word. The Heavenly Officers used the opportunity to agree a tactical plan for this week's nominations. High fives and handshakes done they all went in the Diary Room and nominated other people.

A minor slip up in the Lineup task developed into a major headache for Lisa and Luke. Not only did they pick out the wrong girl in the task room but dug themselves deeper and deeper into the shit by slagging off girl number 3 in the lineup. Won't it be awful when the meet Rex's girlfriend at the wrap party!!!!!

The shopping budget was only £77 this week so rather than sweat over the price of chick peas, Rex just opted to buy tea, coffee, milk, sugar and some custard creams and blew the rest on 57 of Big Brothers Ever Changing Tokens. It was a genius risk but Big Brother appreciated his boldness and delivered a feast of epic proportions to the house. There was even a dead pig in the Store Room that had more personality than that Maythingy person.

Maysoon decided to leave this week. It looked like a push job to me. I reckon the producers were so hacked off that they'd put this dullard into the house that they did a secret deal with her to get her out. Probably secured her a modelling contract with JML to get her boring ass out of the house. Surely there must have been someone better at the auditions? Maybe they'd look elsewhere for the next housemate ;-)

After all the nomination intrigue, in and out of the booth, it turned out Dale and Luke were up for eviction. In what looked suspiciously like a panic attack, the producers decided to issue out a load of punishments for talking about noms and put most of the house up. Would Luke survive the public vote in this larger pool?

With so many housemates up for eviction we had a right good fashion show as they all squeezed into eviction outfits of varying quality. Kat looked like a pink flowerpot. Rex strutted around in an ivory hoodie with sequins and lurex. No doubt an exclusive purchase from the leisure range at Luke looked like a teenager going to his big sister's wedding and Rachel really should have thought about some tummy control pants when she was packing.

The Great British Public didn't let me down. Loathesome Luke got the Big E and I'm so happy that I won't have to listen to that affected little twerp for the rest of the summer. No doubt he'll soon be found touring Butlins as the ring announcer at their Holiday Wrestling nights.

Within minutes of Luke leaving the house Big Brother threw the housemates another curve ball and delivered another of his Ever Changes Prizes. Having heard endlessly about the extraordinary beauty that is Rex's girlfriend for the last 8 weeks, who should appear in the store room but the gorgeous girl herself.

Rex's princess cantered into the house like his very own My Little Pony. Tossing and flicking her rather dry hair she hugged and nudged her man with her slightly equine nose.

She was in trouble almost immediately after she jumped the fence to get closer to her man. Instead of being awarded a clear round she was quickly led back to Hell and told she wouldn't now be getting her suitcase. Don't worry love. I'm sure they'll chuck in a few bails of straw for you.

The best laugh this week had to be Mikey eating the hottest chilli in the world. It should have had a voiceover by David Attenborough. It was like watching the final death throes of a large lizard of Living with Reptiles.

This week ended with another highlight. The pressure finally got to crazy Lisa. After all the excitement of eviction night and Nicole entering the house, her fixed stare turned even more psychotic. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she crashed out of the house like the Incredible Hulk in wedge sandals. I think the Security Guards shot her with a tranquiliser dart before she caused too manage damage and she was back in the house within the hour looking calm and distant again.

The term 'box of frogs' springs to mind. I bloody love it!