Sunday, 7 September 2008

The Good the Bad and the F'Ugly

And now the end is near and so I face the final curtain. Well I would if Rachel’s Mum hadn’t borrowed the drapes to run up her exit outfit.

The weekend after Lisa’s departure was a bit subdued. I can’t recall anything of note, except the sight of Darnell’s bum cheeks being covered in fake tan. It was good to see a lighter side of Darnell. You just knew it wouldn’t last and within an hour he was fighting with Kat and telling Big Brother how much his life sucks. Sorry if I appear rather unsympathetic but maybe he should try a couple of months in Darfur. Now life there really does suck!

The final week of Big Brother can be a bit of an anti-climax, but thanks to some devious plotting by the producers we had a dramatic Semi on Tuesday when Mo and Kat were thrown out in their bathrobes to a less than sympathetic crowd.

Genuine emotions overtook the remaining finalists as they sobbed and wailed at the loss of Mo Fro and Happy Kat. The trauma lasted all of 5 minutes. After some cheap cider and a couple of roll ups the evictees were forgotten and thoughts turned to Friday night.

Whilst most of them were celebrating surviving to the final, Rex was still brooding over the bright ginger cone head wigs that Big Brother had given the housemates to impersonate him. The small chef just sulked in the bedroom and fiddled with his orange walnut whip. I’m sure he was practicing his winner’s speech.

On Friday, Davina stepped onto the slippery catwalk looking like a Harvey Nichol’s Christmas tree decoration. The weather was hideous and the shiny plastic cover on the runway looked treacherous. I sat there with everything crossed, hoping that Rex would be out first and that he’d go arse over tip in a puddle.

I wasn’t too disappointed when Darnell’s name was called first. He could’ve made a bit of an effort with his outfit though. The blue hoodie looked grubby and what was he thinking about when he chose that strange skirt to meet the crowd. He looked liked Old Mother Riley. Maybe he was hoping to catch the eye of a panto producer. I think they’re doing Mother Goose in Basingstoke this year.

Rex was shocked to hear his name next but put on a brave face. Shame he’d also put on one of Freddie Mercury’s cast-offs to leave the house. In typical Rex style, he told Davina how he owed everything to his Father for making him into such a wonderful person. I nearly choked on a cheese football!

Who’d have guessed that Sara and her grating voice would be third? I liked her and she seemed genuinely surprised. Now she’s got £25k, maybe she can afford to get some decent clothes. I know that our Australian sisters are not renowned for their sartorial elegance but that eviction outfit was like one of Bet Lynch’s scatter cushions.

They saved the biggest surprise until last, when Davina announced that our winner this year was Rachel! Big Brother 9’s very own Truly Scrumptious.

Good old Mikey was chuffed to bits at being runner up. When he said this week that he wasn’t fussed about winning I actually believed him. I suddenly worried about those puddles on the stairs but he made it to the stage and gave Davina a big hug. I’m sure he tried to cop a feel of her right breast but maybe he was just struggling to hold onto his cane. In true Mikey style he barked at Davina during his interview and managed to get a few final digs at Rex at Nicole in the process. ‘G’an yersel son’.

Fireworks exploded and lights flashed as Rachel left the house holding a cup aloft. It wasn’t her prize. It was the cup that Mikey used to wash his willy. Now that’s friendship for you.

So good triumphed over evil this year as the rogue’s gallery sat sulking on the gantry as Rachel stole the crown. She might not have been the most entertaining housemate we’ve ever had but I’m so glad the prize money didn’t go to any of those self obsessed, attention seeking freaks.

All summer I’ve been thinking that Luke and Rebecca reminded me of another couple. Last night, whilst flicking through my cable channels, the penny finally dropped. They’re Tom and Linda from Gimme Gimme Gimme.

Sadly, another great summer with Big Brother is over. I have to admit I got a bit misty eyed watching the final highlights clips. What will fill the void?

On X Factor on Saturday we had three rough looking dinner ladies from Glasgow singing Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep.

Sorted :-)