Sunday, 28 August 2011

Bad Boys Inc

OK so here's the thing.  We all love a bad boy but bad boys who are sexually arrogant and absorbed in their own macho cool.  So how come we get a Big Brother house full of immature, attention seekers with about as much machismo as litter of toy poodle puppies.

Darryn Lyons even has a poofy pink rinse in his ridiculous barnet and a lumpy stomach that could pass for a lactating bitch.  The awful Aussie has spent the last week attempting to cause divisions in the house and preying on the weaker members of the pack.  He fronts up like a rufty tufty XXXX Bush Man but all the bravado is just a cover for an insecure little spoilt brat, who's made a living out of other people's misery.

His parrot feathers were really ruffled this week when Sally branded him heartless in the Wizard of Oz task.  Knowing this could have an impact on his position in the house and in the eyes of the viewers, he went into damage limitation mode.  Given the choice of a slap up meal and a chat with his Macaw or providing his housemates with a Chinese Takeaway - guess which one he chose?  Was it really a selfless act or just a blatant vote catcher?  I might have given him the benefit of the doubt had he not spent the rest of the day making sure everyone knew what a good deed he'd done whilst wiping tears and silver make up from his fat cheeks.

And then we have the witless, effeminate twins.  This charmless duo are unable to stop performing to the cameras in their camp stage costumes.  This pair of namby-pamby brats have an unnatural and uncomfortable bond that makes them incapable of any sort of social awareness or interaction.  The sight of 2 grown men playing footsie with each other's dangly bits in the bath whilst grinning inanely was a disturbing insight into Planet Jedward.  Brings a whole new meaning to the term 'pleasuring yourself'.

What's really interesting is the reaction (or lack of) from the other housemates to their anti-social behaviour.  It  sums up this apathy we have at the moment to discipline unruly kids.  It might be understandable if they were 10 years old but these idiots are legally allowed to vote, drink, marry and have children of their own.  I think we should stop blaming the Police and the Government for our sick society.  It's clearly Jedward's fault!

The third member of Bad Boy Inc. came from left field.  Bobby the Plank sat around for a few days looking vacant and pretty until he was nominated for eviction by Kerry during the live eviction show.  Spurred into action by the gruesome gurner, he transformed himself into Lord Voldermort and started spitting venom and practising the Dark Arts on his shocked housemates.  At last.  Someone was saying what we all thought about the residents of the house.
Events came to a head during the Oz task when evil Bobby gave Darryn a sweat smoothie.  Oh how we gagged.  There was a national outcry that knocked Libya off the front pages of the tabloids.  Now I know this was a sick prank but Darryn is a parasite who lives off the life blood of the rich, famous and not so famous.   I'm sure it's not the first time he's enjoyed the taste of Z list sweat.

I think Mumbles the Man Cub wants us to think he's a bad boy but so far there's no substance.  He's just a candy floss.  Looks nice but after a few minutes you're left with a wooden stick and toothache.  He's so desperate to please and changes allegiances every 5 minutes like a school kid who can't make up his mind which gang are the cool dudes.

The only real bad boy in the house is the one who doesn't need to try.  Paddy is the Daddy.  A real man's man who doesn't need to bitch and bully to gain respect or attention.  He just IS a man.  Woman love him and other men want to be him.  I still can't understand half of what he says but that doesn't matter.  He's still got more allure than the other males in the house.

So Sally Bigcow got the heave on Friday and I for one wasn't sorry to see the back of her.  She clearly had the hots for Paddy but spent most of her time in there scowling and bitching at Pamela.

I've picked on the boys this week because the girls in the house are just a bit dull so far.

Amy Childs is a big disappointment.  She just waddles around the house like a duck with Alzheimer's.

Tara Reid is so spaced out I think Big Brother ought to get the contents of her fag packets analysed.  She did manage to come up with the quote of the week though when she told Jedward that they could become as rich and famous as Michael Jackson with the right management.  Could Louis Walsh's days be numbered?

I'm quite liking Pamela.  Not because I think she's a great character.  I just feel sorry for the way she's being picked on by the other housemates.  Maybe they all find nice a bit threatening.

And that leaves Kerry Katona.  Yes let's just leave her eh!

Friday, 19 August 2011

As if we never said goodbye....

Brian Dowling eased out of a big black and pink sphincter gripping his 10" of equipment.

No it wasn't some Afro-Irish gay porn film.  It was the opening of Celebrity Big Brother 2011 on Channel 5.

Brian done good.  I wasn't sure at first but he's so part of the show that he doesn't look out of place and he was probably the only person who could fill Davina's Louboutin's.

Reality whore Kerry Katona took pole position like the wicked fairy at a gypsy wedding. The housemate most likely to cry every day for the next 3 weeks and treat us to a live nervous breakdown.  Kerry always makes me think of the girl that used to play reggae records on the Waltzers at the Gyle Fair in Edinburgh.

Tara Reid is honeymooning in the Big Brother house without her new husband.  That doesn't sound like a good start to a marriage but then marriage in Hollywood is more about building your star power than loving relationships.  Paris Hilton's mate didn't seem to know where she was or indeed what the show was all about.  It was like she'd been kidnapped and then pushed out on to the runway in a black bin bag. I wonder if they do drug tests before they let them in?

Paddy the bare knuckle fighting traveller was housemate number 3.  He's quite handsome in a beat up kinda way.  Like an old leather suitcase.  He'll have all the WOMAN of the house cooking and cleaning for him by the weekend if any of them manage to understand a word he's saying.  Thank God for my TiVo remote subtitle button.  He looks like he's already eyeing up the metal house fittings and appliances.  They better check his suitcase when he leaves.

Amy Childs was next - Jordan with hamster cheeks.  I loved Amy on TOWIE but I can't believe she's really that thick.  Will the mask slip? Time will tell I guess.  No doubt she's packed her Vajazzle kit. Wonder who'll be first to get their pubes out?

Oh God it's Darren 'Mr Paparazzi' Lyons.  A ridiculous Aussie twat with the floor sweepings from a chicken abatoir stuck to his head.  Stupid hair.  Stupid outfit. He looked like a Ferrero Rocher.  I hope they have a boxing task and put him in the ring with Paddy.  I'm sure he's Russell's Grant's evil twin!  No nekkid Vajazzle please.

Another random. Sally Alcoholic is the gobby wife of some bloke who shouts at noisy MPs.  She looks like a bitch who'll probably  be the first to walk.

Lucien was milking it a bit.  Cute Mummy's boy but like a rabbit in the headlights.  Likely to become the house pet.

Next up was Britney Spears' granny on stilts.  Well actually it was Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff-Trailer-Trash.  A real beauty in her day but HDTV is not going to be her friend. Bloody feathers again and an outfit from the Primark sale rack.  She'd obviously knocked back a few Jack Daniels on the bus to Borehamwood.  Poor Brian struggled to control the over excited Mid West MILF.  He finally managed to shove her up the stairs as yet another advert break loomed.

I know Channel 5 need to get mega-revenue to pay for all this but easy on the breaks guys.

Then came posh Bobby floppy hair. Scruffy hunk with cheekbones and a 5 o'clock shadow on a single chin that George Michael would kill for.

Finally, Jedward tumbled on to the stage like 2 pyjama cases filled with kittens.  Please drown them in the pool. No really.  PLEASE!

I'm hooked already.  Loved the new set and the house looks great.  Brian was fantastic in his first show.

Don't understand why people are moaning about the Celeb rating of the housemates.  The reason the show is so good is that it's about people and how they react in this strange environment.  You don't need 'A' listers for a great Celebrity Big Brother.  It's the 'Z' lot that provide the best entertainment and we've got some great 'Z's with serious personality disorders.  Bloody marvellous!

Happy as a pig in the proverbial.

p.s. Is Tara Reid still talking about that f'n door?

Thursday, 18 August 2011

The one about the fire (Mar 2005)

Four days off work! I was cock-a-hoop at the prospect of a long weekend of hedonistic bliss. Well laying around getting pissed watching DVDs and devouring chocolate eggs would be a more accurate description of the plan.

Thursday night I was due to go out for a couple of beers with mates but after dinner I was quite happy to snuggle up on the Linda Barker and settle down for a musical cheese-fest with Britney, Cher and Dead or Alive. Pete Burns had just started wiggling his arse around in a pair of satin tassel pants when - BANG! The fuses blew in the house. Shit! I thought we'd had another power cut. Well for about 5 seconds because the lights were still on so that couldn't be?

I stood up and looked down the hall and it was then that I saw the smoke coming from the kitchen and the pungent smell reached me. I rushed passed the dog who was fast asleep in her bed number 3 in the hall and could see the smoke was getting thicker as I reached the kitchen. My heart was racing now and as I turned into the kitchen I saw thick smoke billowing from the dishwasher and crackling noises coming from inside.

After opening the back door I turned the dishwasher off. Why I don't know cos the fuses had gone but you don't think clearly in these situations. I then debated closing the back door as I wasn't sure if the fresh air would fan the fire. Seemed like ages before I came to my senses but it was probably seconds. Rushed back to the lounge to call the fire brigade.

Hi-tech digital phone was dead as the power was off. Old fashioned simple phones have a lot going for them! Found mobile and called 999. Think it's the first time in my life I've ever done that!

Here's how the convo went

Her - emergency which service?
Her - What's the address
Her - What road are you near?
Me - Ehhhhhhhh! Oh I dunno? Sainsbury's ....
Her - are you near xxxxxxxxxx Hill?
Me - Oh yeh!
Her - what's happened?
Me - (in high-pitched squeaky voice) My dishwasher's caught fire!
Her - are you outside?
Me - No! I'm in the kitchen!
Her - Can you please go outside immediately!
Me - OK
Her - They're on they're way. Please wait outside until they arrive.
Me - OK thanks.

Ran down hall and scooped up dog who was still fast asleep. Thought dogs were supposed to have a 6th sense or at least a good sense of smell!

Was only outside for about 2 minutes when the sirens and flashing blue lights came charging round the corner and out jumped the boys in their sexy uniforms. I told them where the kitchen was and they disappeared into the smoke. The dog kept trying to go in too. She just wanted to get back to her bed.

I was shaking like a leaf and trying not to make it obvious to the boys. Curiously not one of the lads was in the least bit sexy? Next thing the neighbours start popping out and asking what's happened and if I'm okay. I can still hear the cries of 'Your DISHWASHER????' and see the eyes rolling. Why did it have to be such a gay sounding fire.

They all trooped out and said all's OK. Just a bit smelly. They were off almost as quickly as they had arrived. I went back in. Slung the dog back in her bed and she just turned to the wall, farted and fell asleep. Ungrateful bitch. Doesn't she know I rescued her from a smoke-filled death trap!

Here's the remains of the dishwasher

What did I learn from this experience?

1. Never leave appliances on when you leave the house. Just think what might have been if I had gone out!
2. Dogs are stupid
3. Not all firemen are sexy!

Friday was pretty uneventful thank goodness.

Having survived the fire and bending over the bath rubbing anti-bacterial/fungal shampoo on my dog's arse I was looking forward to a special evening on Saturday. A group of mates, who I hadn't seen for ages, were coming round for a bit of a reunion party at my abode. It was Mr T's birthday the other day so it was a timely gathering.

Now to say I've been a tad stressed lately is like saying Jodie Marsh wasn't born that way. It's a fact that is best kept behind closed doors and not discussed in public. So before meeting my old mates I thought I would have a relaxing home-spa afternoon to de-stress and get my sparkle back.

Bath was run and candles lit. Dug out Laura Pausini CD and had it gently playing on the toilet seat. Well on the CD player sat on the toilet seat.

I'd been shopping in the morning and decided to treat myself to a Face Tonic to de-stress the visage. 5 minute miracle it said. Vibrant Fresh Skin - FAST! Explosively invigorates you for the night or day ahead. Perfect I thought.

Gently eased myself into the Seaweed & Watermint bath. Tore open the face tonic mask and smoothed it across my face as I lay back in the hot bubbles being soothed by the Italian diva.

About a minute later I felt this tingling sensation across my cheeks and forehead. I thought that must be the mask cleansing my pores. The tingling soon became a burning sensation and it was at that point I started to worry. The lovely 'orange' fragrance of the mask suddenly put me in mind of Mr Muscle Limescale Remover.

Half a bottle of Nivea Sensitive Balm later and the pain has subsided but my face looks like I've been sunbathing in a balaclava! By the time my mates arrive the throbbing & sweats have begun and the shocked look on their faces suggests they think I've let myself go a bit and need to drink more water to flush those toxins out of my system. I show them the remains of the mask and explain the reason for my odd look. I don't think they believed me.

Ok OK I know there is a warning on the back that says you should do a sensitivity test on your arm before using the mask but who'd suspect that something so 'healthy' and 'fruity' sounding and costing only 89p could result in a DIY chemical peel.