Wednesday, 15 July 2009

The Glums

Well the scruffy little oik with the inflated ego went last week and guess what! Suddenly everyone thinks Freddie is great. Even the loathesome Lisa has been singing his praises through nicotine stained, gritted teeth.

After the rabbit furore it seems that Noirin is now being targetted by Lisa and Karly. They've done nothing but bitch about her 24/7, in between scrabbling around the ashtray for fag butts. A right pair of kill joys, who keep banging on about wanting to enjoy themselves but clearly find it impossible to crack a smile. Their idea of fun seems to be moaning and sneering at the bus stop like a couple of half empty glasses of bitter.

I think Noirin should ask Big Brother if she can have the marker pen back. She was much nicer when she had her moustache and glasses. The Queen of the cold shoulder has slouched around the house all week with a face like a slapped arse. Mind you I think I'd be a tad miffed if I had a hairy minger like Marcus drooling over me day and night. She needs some new male totty in there or else she'll have to make do with a Beauty & the Beast photo shoot for Heat magazine when she gets out.

Marcus has been like a bear with a sore head for most of his time in the house but it's getting worse as his Noirin addiction consumes his life. Her constant rejections are bringing him down but when pressed by Noirin about his surly demenour he came up with the quote of the week - 'actually I'm upset about the death of Michael Jackson'. Classic!

The only thing that cheered him up this week was Nikki Graham in gold hotpants but the sight of him leering at her under his duvet was the creepiest thing I've seen since the Leslie Grantham webcam footage.

Marcus gave another example of his attitude to women when he welcomed the buxom Michelle Bass to the house by asking her to get her baps out. Now you expect that sort of behaviour from teenage lads on the piss in Kavos but it's hardly going to improve his chances with Noirin or endear him to the viewing public. Loser!

I'm convinced that Rodrigo is completely unhinged. The unpredictable Brazilian veers from house prefect to crazed psycho at the drop of bowl of chick peas. Some might say it's his fiery Latin temperament but I just think he's a nutter. Face of an angel but the personality of The Incredible Hulk.

He chastised everyone for disrespecting the house fixtures and fitting and then in another fit of rage proceeded to douse the bedroom with cooking oil. Would you do that to your own house Rodrigo? Most of the time he's like nice wallpaper. Pleasing on the eye but after a while you don't notice him. That boy needs to show a bit of spunk if he's going to stay the distance. Maybe Charlie could help him tease it out ;-)

Even Freddie has lost a bit of his WOW factor. I think the fact that he didn't get nominated this week has made the whole experience less AMAZING for him. He even looked crest fallen when his electric shocks weren't as painful as the others. It took the rooftop revolution to put a spring back in his step and give him some purpose in the house.

Freddie's a true Brit who thrives in the face of adversity. He has a wartime spirit but give him an easy ride and he turns into a couch potato who slobs around all day in his dressing gown and woolly socks. The joy on his face when Big Brother removed said couch could be a sign that Churchill is back.

Now I know I called it a roof top revolution but to be honest I don't think this lot would have worried the French aristocracy. Most of them found the climb too hard. Siavash was reduced to a quivering wreck when he was about 3 feet off the ground and clung to the wall frame, wailing like a cat up a tree until he was rescued by Marcus. Siavash seems to be making a habit of getting into dangerous situations. Only the other day Freddie had to come to his rescue when he saw a spider in the kitchen and took refuge in the sink.

The revolution was a dismal failure. Come on Big Brother. Let them eat cake and throw in a packet of Marlboro Lights, some budget lager and cheese & onion crisps. Oh wait. You did!

Charlie & Sophie are still our village idiots. I think Sophie really is just a harmless simpleton but not convinced by Charlie playing the fool. The way he turns into a gibbering imbecile every time he enters the Diary Room is so contrived. I so want to like Charlie but this dizzy queen act just doesn't ring true. Come on canny lad. Get some balls and be yourself pet.

The tasks with the ex housemates were great. Evil Rex shocking the gang was hilarious. Noirin cried and Lisa got the hump......again. However the prize for the biggest laugh this week goes to Brian Belo, who sat in the Diary Room tickling his balls whilst calling boobs - ooglie booglies and task discs. Priceless.

I wasn't sad to see the back of Karly on Friday and it didn't look like her boyfriend Kenny was that bothered either.

'International playboy' Kenny joined the house with fellow newbies Bea, David, Hira and Tom. I'll reserve judgement on them for now but have taken a bit of a shine to posh totty Tom. Am I shallow? Is the Pope a Catholic?

Thursday, 9 July 2009

Shakespeare TV

Is BB really the Big Bard of our generation? Sir Willy wrote his human pot boilers for the great unwashed and there's other parallels too......

Romeo & Juliet

The Montagues and Capulets have been displaced and are now living together in a corrugated shed in Borehamwood. Battle lines have been drawn as the two camps eye each other suspiciously across the bedroom from their crimson duvets.

Our Romeo and Juliet have been doomed from the start. Whilst Karly did her best to 'nurse' their relationship it was clear that this Montague has commitment issues. It wouldn't be a dagger that tore this tortured couple apart. It was 65% of the voting viewers who sent this Romeo to his fate.


Freddie is the misunderstood royal in the house. An outcast and full of angst. He so wants to be loved but is thwarted at every step by a manipulative Lady M (Noirin) and a coven of witches (Lisa, Karly & Sophie).

Prone to dramatic speeches, he reached his pinnacle this week with a passionate and blood stirring tour de force that put said Lady M well and truly in her place. It was like losing his mousy locks had actually given him the strength to truly become a worthy king. A bit like Samson in reverse!

A Midsummer Night's Dream

Charlie is our King of the Fairies. A Geordie Oberon who loves prancing round the garden with his wood nymphs (Karly & Sophie) and has spent the last couple of weeks avoiding Rodrigo's 'bottom'.

The man has poise and grace until it comes to the tasks. Haven't they realised by now that Charlie has 2 left feet and is about as agile as a tortoise. Having seen his previous form, who in their right mind thought it was a good idea to let him try his luck on a unicycle?


Marcus is the house General. Moody and besotted with a beautiful trollop. He spends much of his time in the house obsessing over conspiracies with his lieutenants Siavash and Freddie. They both take huge delight in fuelling his paranoia and jealousy. I can't see a happy for this troubled soldier.

I think Noirin should be wary of his invitations to join him on his bed. There's a pillow under that duvet with her name on it!

Taming of the Shrew

Talking of Noirin. The fiery Dubliner who is both loved and feared by the men of the house took things to a new level this week. Siavash became the next victim of her wrath with a public humiliation in front of the smirking courtiers.

Noirin is the mistress of tease and spurn and if anyone dares to cross her then she'll turn on them like a cobra with a migraine. Marcus has taken several knocks from the Irish harridan but like Sree before him, is resolute in his chase. I don't think this Petruchio is going to win her hand and he's likely to be sacrificed at the next weekly cull.


Rodrigo really is the tortured soul of the house. The dashing Brazilian prince obviously has unresolved issues that are leading to more ups and downs than Kerry Katona.

Maybe he should do a Duncan James and relieve himself of his burden. To be gay or not to be gay? That is the question.

Richard III

Lisa wants to be top dog and enjoys nothing better than shit stirring and trying to ingratiate herself with her allies in the house. Her plotting and scheming from the bus stop has gone unnoticed by some of the housemates who see her as some sort of hero.

I think her days are numbered. With 4 new housemates going in next week she'll really get the hump. I bet her paranoia will consume her and I for one will love watching her descent into madness.

Much Ado About Nothing

Says it all really :-)