Thursday, 21 June 2007

It's Raining Men

Seány isn’t the best person to be employed as the house usher. He greeted Billi by bouncing around on the sofas shouting ‘It’s a gay, it’s gay’ like a plane had just landed on Fantasy Island. Jonathan didn’t do much better as our Irish doorman declared him an old person and propelled him into Carole’s ample chest.

Hunky Liam had the twins a quiver and Charley caught Brian in a flying body scissors and nearly popped out his ultra blue contact lenses. Maybe these boys would improve the demeanor of the surly shrews.

The four new lads had to sing for their supper and gave us a rather subdued YMCA. Liam looked more like Deputy Dawg than a 70’s cop and you would have been hard pressed to tell if the Indian was Jonathan or Carole. I’m convinced there’s a Surprise Surprise moment in store for that pair. I bet Cilla’s staking them out from the camera runs.

Charley’s insecurities have come out like a raging yeast infection since Shabs left. She’s wandering about the place trying to appear interesting to anyone who’ll listen. The extent of her appeal seems limited to the fact that she’s got more shoes than anyone else and wears the shortest skirts. Charley tried to bury the hatchet with Ziggy & Chanelle and vowed not to get involved in any more arguments. 12 minutes later she was screaming at Laura over the hair straighteners. I’m not being funny but is it safe to use a hot iron on a nylon shag pile.

Truth or dare turned into the usual tonsil tickling. The gay kiss was like watching a starving baby hippo suckling on its mother. I was waiting for David Attenborough to appear from behind the sofa in a Blue Harbour khaki suit.

The swimming task was classic Big Brother and I can’t believe they passed. Carole bounced around like an Edwardian bathing belle on a Bank Holiday at Skegness. Every time Laura grabbed the megaphone I was reaching for the mute button. She was supposed to encourage the swimmers not warn them about approaching fog. Tracey in a Souwester was really unnerving. I kept expecting her to whip out a huge fish hook and disembowel the twins when the others weren't looking.

At one point I thought Charley was having a rest until I put my specs on and realised it was some plastic fish bones floating by the steps. She’d already given up and was shedding her extensions in the bathroom.

Gerry has become about as welcome as audience participation at a Pavarotti concert this week. First he upset Chanelle by saying she was unfit. Unfit translated into beached whale for Chanelle and not even Ziggy’s calming Sir Cliff tones could console her.

Nicky and Carole somehow got the wrong end of Gerry’s stick too and went round and round in circles for the next 24 hours with nothing being resolved because of their lacking in the listening department.

The Wednesday Twist saw £100,000 up for grabs but Carole was too busy fretting about her smelly towel to be bothered. When Liam heard they’d chosen him to get the cash he went even more blank faced than normal before collapsing onto the floor in a flood of manly tears.

Now I’m not saying the girls in there are shallow but suddenly they’re flirting and fussing with Liam. It reached a peak, well 2 squashed peaks actually, when Charley appeared wearing a satisfied grin and an elastic band nearly, almost covering her tits.Chanelle & Carole fell out over a fingered sandwich.

Much to my surprised it was Charley who turned peacemaker. Her take on the incident was - “You thought someone was something because something had been said.” Well now we know!

Friday, 8 June 2007

Girls Just Wanna Have a Bloody Good Ruck

It’s all gone a bit pear shaped this week and I’m not talking about Carole in her turquoise bikini.

Emily and Chanelle were first to get in a tangle over the hair straighteners. The poor Wakefield lass was left bereft with her natural curl. She then lobbed a laminate at Charley. I can’t remember why exactly but it seemed to involve a kidnapped boot and 3 white socks.

Nicky and Laura squared up over foraging for food as mealtimes became increasingly flatulent. Hardly surprising when I think they only ordered chocolate bars and 8 varieties of lettuce. Shopping in the Big Brother House seems to be even more difficult than navigating the SKY+ planner!

I really love the way Charley hovers around every argument asking people to chill out. It’s a bit like the Hunchback of Notre Dame telling you to sit up straight.

The shopping task was a corker. Lesley smirked whilst gripping tightly onto the ‘Most Intelligent’ post but turned Medusa when Emily said she was ‘Least Considerate’. That woman can do stony faced better than that bloke in the middle of Trafalgar Square.

Shabby threw a wobbly when she was manhandled off the podium and relegated to mid table in the attractiveness stakes. Maybe it was a sign of things to come as Big Brother punished her for discussing nominations and she was stripped of her sparkly face mask and cartoon wardrobe.

Tracy had her very own morning rave on her birthday. Waving her glow sticks around, she put me in mind of a bin man on Pro-Plus at a Star Wars convention.

Emily had a kamikaze week. In the space of 48 hours her mouth and brain were divorced and she disappeared out the back door, in the middle of the night, with no knickers.

The poor twins still seem out of their depth and just run about in the background. They chase each other around the house in their underwear like a trailer for the Adult Channel.

With Ziggy’s nominations cancelled what on earth would Big Brother do to fill the time on Friday? Well they chucked in two gay guys of course.

I think Seány was pitching to be the next Dr Who. Sorry mate but Colin Baker did that look already. Gerry the Greek was an instant hit with the girls and the crowd. The only person who didn’t seem to take to Gerry was Seány. I’m surprised they didn’t get chilblains when they were sat next to each other in the Diary Room.

Seconds out. Let the bedroom battles begin.

Monday, 4 June 2007

The Rooster Has Landed

Davina announced the return of the chickens on launch night. Friday we got a cockerel too.

Whilst Charley was preening and flirting with herself in the mirror, a rooster in a 2 piece arrived in the coop to ruffle the feathers of the broody birds. Ziggy looked like a reject from Any Dream Will Do. He might not be Joseph but if The Blues Brothers ever reform as a boy band he could be in with a chance.Ziggy is a strange name if you’re not a puppet or a soft toy but it didn’t seem to bother the chirpy chicks.

They surrounded him in an instant and flapped and puffed up their various chests. Charley checked herself in the mirror again and Chanelle fiddled with her fillets. Tracy was bemused. She thought he was a waiter. Does she think they’re in the Borehamwood Travel Lodge I wonder?

Everyone seemed cock-a-hoop at the new eye candy. Everyone except Lesley, that is. The bossy bantam didn’t take to this young leghorn ousting her from the prime perch. There were tears and tantrums and she even tried waving a banana around in attempt to maintain her position in the pecking order. It was all in vain as he slipped under her single duvet and under the skin of a certain Posh Spice doppelganger.

The twittering twins still seem to be talking a different language to everyone else. I think Channel 4 should provide subtitles for those of us who never took a GCSE in squealing.

I’m really worried about Carole. I’m not sure she’s built for mangling. Every time she bends forward and cranks that handle I think she’s going to flatten those ample bosoms.

In between checking herself in the mirror at every opportunity Charley is making enemies in and out of the house due to her constant bitching, boasting and bubbling. Who knew that it was Charley that invented going out on a Sunday instead of a Saturday? Oh and I bet you never knew that skinny jean were the brainchild of our Emily.

Who says Big Brother isn’t educational?

Friday, 1 June 2007

Big Night in Borehamwood!

I was grinning from ear to ear as a 7 foot security guard led us down the housemate walkway towards the VIP paddock. The place was a lot smaller than I expected but the atmosphere was electric. My heart was beating so fast I thought my vibrating mobile alert was going off.

After a quick warm up we were introduced to the divine Davina. She looked stunning. Like Emma Peel going speed dating. She played with the crowd and even persuaded a rather cute and crumpled Dermot to take a bow before the cameras started rolling.

First up were two matching twizzle sticks who giggled their way into the house and then promptly fell in the bath. An old dear in stretch pants and pumps swept by. She looked like she was there to audit the books and had taken the wrong turning.

Another girl was next. Charley was like Sinitta on a tight budget. The poor girl didn‘t quite live up to her video and she got a bit of a roasting from the crowd. By the time Tracey arrived it was clear we were going to have a house full of estrogen. The crowd was ecstatic. Tracey looked like what you might get if Sir Jimmy Savile exploded in a Flea Market. I shook her hand. Can you believe I’ve been touched by the hand of a 37 year old cleaner from Cambridge.

The smiley Welsh girl appeared to have come dressed as a Liquorice Allsort for some reason. I think she had the same stylist as Shab who was wide-eyed with leggings.

We also got a Posh Spice wannabe and a wannabe posh bird. There was one with a fringe who was a bit fed up and hated men. She’d obviously come to the right house.

They saved the best until last. Carole the activist exploded from her limo wearing some curtains from a Blackpool B&B. The crowd loved her and she loved her moment. It was a magical experience for her and us.

It may have been like watching the hen party from hell but I loved every clucking moment.