Gone With the Wind

This year the X Factor is turning into a parody of itself with contestants progressing through the rounds on the back of their chequered pasts or dead relatives. Last week I was expecting to see VT of Daniel’s cancer stricken wife on the backdrop as he tugged at every emotion to make a syrupy slide into this week’s show.

Rachel, the ex-con, started the show this week and promptly fell off a sparkly moon and forgot her words. She was truly lost in music and wearing what looked like a Quality Street wrapper. She had so much black eye makeup on I think someone must have told her it was a Halloween show. I hope her 8 kids were tucked up in bed and didn’t have to witness this gruesome sight. They’d have nightmares for weeks.

Anxious Austin was up next. He delivered a rather lack lustre version of Wishing on a Star. I had a feeling he’d be wishing he’d chosen a different song by the end of the night. The poor little mite has about as much charisma as a meal worm and it was almost impossible to notice him amongst a sea of tossing hair and see-through nighties.

I was dead worried about Diana tackling Disco but she belted her little heart out and won everyone over despite being surrounded by the clumsiest roller skating I’ve ever seen since Frank Spencer at the Pickets Lock Leisure Centre.

Daniel was as embarrassing as I expected him to be. Grinning through a spare set of Simon Cowell’s teeth he gave us a very awkward rendition of Don’t Leave Me This Way. Was this another subliminal reference to his deceased wife? I was half expecting Heaven Must be Missing and Angel. What will it be next week? She’s Gone, Missing You, Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now?

I can’t decide if I like Laura or not. She gave a very powerful performance. Somebody Else’s guy is a very difficult song to sing. I think it’s the forced, Winehouse twangs that put me her. Or maybe it’s the revelations last week that she’s shagging one of the show’s producers that are not endearing me to her ample charms.

Could it be Magic is a camp classic. Barry Manilow, Donna Summer and Take That have all done iconic versions. Eoghan, the Cabbage Patch kid from Norn Iron, turned it into something that was more Church Hall Amateur Night than High School Musical. Bloody awful.

It was Donna Summer again when Ruth attacked Enough is Enough like a bunny boiler with PMT. Simon looked genuinely scared and turned on in equal measures.

Alexandra and her topless dancers set pulses racing. I bet Louis’ palms were sweating more than the eight pefect pecs as she groped and stroked her way around another Donna Summer stomper. Louis always looks a bit unkempt and smelly to me. I could imagine him in a fluorescent safety jacket checking tickets on the Croydon trams.

I really want to like JLS but this colour co-ordinated thing they have going on is so naff. There is something really un-cool about them. Especially the red one! I see they had their tops off in HEAT this week so no doubt that will save them for another couple of weeks.

Fast forward an hour and I wasn’t entirely surprised that Austin and Rachel were in the bottom two. Rachel shouted her way through No Drama without her shoes. I’m not sure what statement it was supposed to make but it looked like someone was spraying the stage with Fabreeze during her performance.

Austin seemed to crumble under the pressure and the inevitable happened. The tiny, tearful one was gone and everyone looked very upset. Well everyone apart from Simon who just shrugged his shoulders and buggered off to find his limo like a modern day Rhett Butler. Frankly my dears he don’t give a damn!

The Good the Bad and the F'Ugly

And now the end is near and so I face the final curtain. Well I would if Rachel’s Mum hadn’t borrowed the drapes to run up her exit outfit.

The weekend after Lisa’s departure was a bit subdued. I can’t recall anything of note, except the sight of Darnell’s bum cheeks being covered in fake tan. It was good to see a lighter side of Darnell. You just knew it wouldn’t last and within an hour he was fighting with Kat and telling Big Brother how much his life sucks. Sorry if I appear rather unsympathetic but maybe he should try a couple of months in Darfur. Now life there really does suck!

The final week of Big Brother can be a bit of an anti-climax, but thanks to some devious plotting by the producers we had a dramatic Semi on Tuesday when Mo and Kat were thrown out in their bathrobes to a less than sympathetic crowd.

Genuine emotions overtook the remaining finalists as they sobbed and wailed at the loss of Mo Fro and Happy Kat. The trauma lasted all of 5 minutes. After some cheap cider and a couple of roll ups the evictees were forgotten and thoughts turned to Friday night.

Whilst most of them were celebrating surviving to the final, Rex was still brooding over the bright ginger cone head wigs that Big Brother had given the housemates to impersonate him. The small chef just sulked in the bedroom and fiddled with his orange walnut whip. I’m sure he was practicing his winner’s speech.

On Friday, Davina stepped onto the slippery catwalk looking like a Harvey Nichol’s Christmas tree decoration. The weather was hideous and the shiny plastic cover on the runway looked treacherous. I sat there with everything crossed, hoping that Rex would be out first and that he’d go arse over tip in a puddle.

I wasn’t too disappointed when Darnell’s name was called first. He could’ve made a bit of an effort with his outfit though. The blue hoodie looked grubby and what was he thinking about when he chose that strange skirt to meet the crowd. He looked liked Old Mother Riley. Maybe he was hoping to catch the eye of a panto producer. I think they’re doing Mother Goose in Basingstoke this year.

Rex was shocked to hear his name next but put on a brave face. Shame he’d also put on one of Freddie Mercury’s cast-offs to leave the house. In typical Rex style, he told Davina how he owed everything to his Father for making him into such a wonderful person. I nearly choked on a cheese football!

Who’d have guessed that Sara and her grating voice would be third? I liked her and she seemed genuinely surprised. Now she’s got £25k, maybe she can afford to get some decent clothes. I know that our Australian sisters are not renowned for their sartorial elegance but that eviction outfit was like one of Bet Lynch’s scatter cushions.

They saved the biggest surprise until last, when Davina announced that our winner this year was Rachel! Big Brother 9’s very own Truly Scrumptious.

Good old Mikey was chuffed to bits at being runner up. When he said this week that he wasn’t fussed about winning I actually believed him. I suddenly worried about those puddles on the stairs but he made it to the stage and gave Davina a big hug. I’m sure he tried to cop a feel of her right breast but maybe he was just struggling to hold onto his cane. In true Mikey style he barked at Davina during his interview and managed to get a few final digs at Rex at Nicole in the process. ‘G’an yersel son’.

Fireworks exploded and lights flashed as Rachel left the house holding a cup aloft. It wasn’t her prize. It was the cup that Mikey used to wash his willy. Now that’s friendship for you.

So good triumphed over evil this year as the rogue’s gallery sat sulking on the gantry as Rachel stole the crown. She might not have been the most entertaining housemate we’ve ever had but I’m so glad the prize money didn’t go to any of those self obsessed, attention seeking freaks.

All summer I’ve been thinking that Luke and Rebecca reminded me of another couple. Last night, whilst flicking through my cable channels, the penny finally dropped. They’re Tom and Linda from Gimme Gimme Gimme.

Sadly, another great summer with Big Brother is over. I have to admit I got a bit misty eyed watching the final highlights clips. What will fill the void?

On X Factor on Saturday we had three rough looking dinner ladies from Glasgow singing Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep.

Sorted :-)

Viva Las Lisa!

Well did Rex’s surly demeanour sweeten once Nic the Nag left the house? Like hell it did. The small, ginger cook sunk to new depths this week with his attacks on the female members of the house. Only scary Lisa escaped the bullying and I suspect that’s because he’s intimidated by her huge biceps, unruly breasts and psychic stare. The sight of Lisa bouncing on the trampoline in a crop top is enough to make any man’s blood run cold. The Army should sign her up and send her to Afghanistan. Lisa Appleton, Woman of Mass Destruction!

At last we got a task that greedy Mo could get his teeth into. Eating a vat of spaghetti in 2 hours was a task made in heaven for Mo, or so you’d have thought. Perhaps he’d been snacking again but not even the human waste disposal unit was able to get the housemates even close to completing the task. After struggling with the pasta the lads decided to do a bit of exercise to help their digestion. Unfortunately their game of sanitary towel football ended swiftly when poor Mikey got it in the neck whilst happily splashing around in the pool. I hope that red mark on his neck was bruising!

The Las Vegas task was fun. Was that Tinky Winky making a guest appearance at the show? No it was just Kat in purple lycra struggling with her boxes. Of course they saved the best for last. Don’t go breaking my heart was a fabulous train wreck. Mikey ripped his way through some of the lyrics looking like Catherine Tate after a night out at Jumping Jacks and 15 Bacardi Breezers.

Later that night we had the Live Show and Davina wearing a Teflon tablecloth. The face to face nominations didn’t really freak the housemates and they took it all in their stride. Some of them were a bit more put out when they realized they’d just handed Lisa and Sara £25k each. Suckered!

Lisa’s had a few climaxes this week! The first started as she was telling the housemates how she met Mario in a car park after buying a crystal ball from him off E-bay, like Brief Encounter for the dogging generation. Right on cue, Mario appeared in the garden wearing an ill-fitting dinner suit and a cheap plastic rose, to propose to his workout buddy. Of course she said yes and they spent a couple of minutes licking the window to seal the deal.

Rex is obviously going for the female vote next week. He’s been topless for most of it even although the weather has been like November in Dundee. Not a very clever move matey. Look what happened to the other beefcake. Beefcake? Rex is more like a little ginger snap.

The other problem with his strategy is the way freckly Rexy has been behaving towards Kat, Rachel and particularly Sara, this week. He’s been rude and insulting to all of them in varying degrees. His treatment of Sara became very uncomfortable to watch as he ground her down and encouraged Darnell & Mo to upset her at every opportunity. I can’t imagine his bullying and arrogance would endear him to any female with an ounce of sense. However Jeremy Kyle still manages to find a regular supply of sad, scared women locked into unhealthy relationships with arrogant control freaks like him. No matter what these men do they all just land up saying ‘but I love him’.

If Rex was the gang leader it was his self abusing sidekick that took things to an even lower level. Darnell’s cruel attack on the poor Aussie was revolting. He later claimed that the words weren’t directed at her personally but to all women. No wonder he’s a virgin. The only thing that made me laugh during this whole sorry episode was when Mikey observed that Darnell was a psychiatrist’s wet dream. I think he’s an incoherent, wanker but I bow to Mikey’s genius. Darnell says so much and yet says so little. I swear I can’t understand what the hell he’s going on about during his paranoid rants.

Thankfully Big Brother took exception to the way Sara was being bullied and told both of them that their behaviour was being monitored. Darnell plunged into further despair and flopped around the house saying ‘shit’ all the time. Rex offered Sara a cigarette and shook hands with arch nemesis Mikey. Which one do you think was considering his game plan? Don’t get me wrong. I think every house needs a JR Ewing. I just think this JR just shot himself.

I’m not sure why Sara deserved such a verbal kicking? OK there’s that voice. I’m a huge fan of Kath & Kim but didn’t actually think real people spoke like that until Sara moved into the house.

Lisa’s final climax was the fantastic reception she got from the crowd after being evicted in a very tight vote. The vote couldn’t have been any tighter than the top she was wearing as she bounded down the stairs towards the crowd like 2 kids fighting in a Turkish rug. Once she was in the studio she was like a rabbit in the headlights. Her blank expression at some of Davina’s questions was like she was being interrogated by the Portuguese CID.

Mario turned up again to meet his sturdy spouse. I’m guessing he had a contract with OK Magazine stuffed in his back pocket. I wonder how long it will be before we get exclusive pictures of the happy couple on a tropical island exfoliating their thighs? And why not :-)

What a carry on .......

Darnell started this week in philosophical mood by telling us how men always finish their meal at the table whereas women quite often sit down to eat knowing they won’t finish their dinner. It was an interesting analogy. It took Sara a while to realise he wasn’t actually talking about food.

Life in the house for dreary Nic didn’t improve this week. The first drama started on Day 75 when her boyfriend noticed she had a big hair growing down her bum crack. Not the sort of thing a young girl wants advertising on national TV. Mikey was not impressed with this revelation either and decided he didn’t want his dinner cooked by someone who’s had their hands down a bum hole. I don’t blame him really.

This year’s housemates are certainly scoring high on the Gross-o-meter. Craving another can of cheap cider drove Mo to eating one of Mikey’s bogeys. It was a big one too. I reckon it was a half chewed sprout from last week that had got lodged up there after his ordeal with a bucket of Brussels.

The Roman task was great. The housemates running around the garden in togas, being chased by killer wasps, was like something out of Carry On Cleo. All this scene lacked was Luke screaming ‘Infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it in for me’ and Becs as a nubile slave girl with her baps out. The housemates finally finished their masticated mosaics of Rex. Their artworks were interesting interpretations of Rex, ranging from ET in a pink hoodie to Ricky Hatton after a brutal left hook to the face.

We’ve really been spoiled with the tasks this year. The BB team have surpassed themselves. The Thriller debacle was hilarious. Rex struggled badly trying to choreograph the hapless housemates and he even tried getting rid of Mikey and Kat at one point to make sure they passed. This move backfired spectacularly and probably secured Nicole’s fate and she sulked and whinged with her boyfriend at the lesser mortal’s inability to follow their lead. I’m not surprised Mikey got frustrated. How the hell was he supposed to follow directions like ‘This way. That way. Do this’?

The final performance was another BB classic. Nicole’s pointy features and stiff dancing was like watching Pinnochio learning to walk without his strings. Lisa looked like Norman Bate’s mother and Mikey just did his own thing at the back like a demented runner bean. Big Brother had to let the pass. It was genius.

No surprise that nasty Nic was booted out this week but 94% of the vote in a 3-way eviction was pretty spectacular. Her reception from the crowd was hideous but she put on a brave face and a dress that looked like a toilet roll holder. There was a bit of a quivering lip as Davina hauled her through the baying crowd. The realization of how awful her relationship is with Rex seemed to dawn on her mid-way through her interview. Her best bits were mostly crying, moaning and backing away from her over-bearing boyfriend. I felt a bit sorry for her to be honest. I hope she dumps Rex as soon as she’s made a few quid from Heat magazine.

Now you know I’m a huge fan of Davina and she’s looked fit and fab every Friday…..so far. What the hell was wardrobe thinking this week? That outfit was awful. All she needed was a tartan bonnet and the Supergran in leggings look would have been complete.

Push Pineapple, Shake the Tree

The house Olympics was another genius task. The opening ceremony was more even moving than Beijing 2008. The housemates proved that you don’t need $100 million to put on a great show. All you need is a few yards of ribbon and a lack of coordination to get an emotional response from your audience. I felt like a proud parent watching his kids at the end of term show.

The highlight of the Games for me was Rex trying to make his palm tree look bigger whilst scratching his coconuts. I also loved Mikey on his podium in a gold track suit. He looked like an Academy Award.

Talking of awards. Mikey caused more discomfort amongst the housemates when he told another one of his awkward anecdotes. He grinned and nodded his way through a tale of the time he went to the toilet before collecting a radio award. After washing his hands he went straight on stage to accept the award with his knob still hanging out.

Mikey had another disgusting food episode this week when he decided to smear Darnell with melted chocolate and lick it off his nipple. It was like watching gay splodge porn from Eastern Europe.

I’ve been loving Lisa this week. The broad shouldered babe was a hoot when she was winding up Rex about him being such a short arse. He was fuming that Nicole kept wearing heels that made him look small. Lisa was taking great pleasure in making Rex feel uncomfortable about his lack of stature from behind her fake Prada shades. It was like Alexis Colby on steroids.

Lisa almost became cool this week but her coolness was short lived when she threw herself into a chorus of Agadoo wearing yellow lycra and knew all the dance moves too. She’s a walking Ripley’s Believe It Or Not show. We’ve had amazing facts about aliens and crystal balls but this week she outdid herself by announcing that Wakefield has wasps that are more deadly than rattlesnakes. Someone should tell DEFRA!

Poor Nicole spent the week trying not to mention Las Vegas strippers and wriggling out of Rex’s bear hugs. She tried not washing to repel his constant cloying but to no avail. Rex braved the whiff to suffocate her with his love whilst slagging her off to any housemate who could be bothered to listen to his version of this dysfunctional relationship.

Self conscious Stu bid farewell to a less than bothered house on Friday. The only thing I remember about his eviction was when he decided to dive into the crowd and the audience all backed away, letting him crash to the floor. Well you would dive for cover if a side of beef wearing a scarf was hurtling towards you.

The house has been even more paranoid than usual this week with everyone being suspicious about how genuine the others are being. Mo had the best response and proof that he’s the real deal. "I haven't over-exaggerated anything since I've been here," he said proudly. "I've farted from Day One that I walked in and I'm still farting. I'll fart just the way I farted when I walked in here." You can’t argue with that!

Only 2 weeks to go but we have X Factor kicking off to feed our need to laugh at deluded wannabes. My first impression of the new addition to the judging panel is that Dannii shouldn’t sit next to Cheryl. She makes Kylie’s less charismatic sister look like Skeletor.

Swamp Thing

Well the week started with some tabloid tattle that suggested Mario had intended to propose to Lisa while he was in the house. What a missed opportunity. It could have been Big Brother’s first same-sex marriage ;-)

As Rex’s girlfriend settled into the house we discovered that she’d worked in pantomimes before. She’ll fit in to the house, no problem. I’m just not convinced Rex is her Prince Charming. Their body language is like a cat and a sparrow shut in a wheelie bin. Rex’s domineering cuddles are more like watching The Undertaker putting a headlock on Hulk Hogan than a loving boyfriend.

Rex and Nicole continued to grapple with each other all week over the divide, whilst new Head of House Rachel tried her best to endear herself to everyone. She was thwarted at every turn and landed up in more hot water than it took to wash a trolley load of dirty dishes. God help the education system these days with teachers like Rachel who don’t know the meaning of the word ‘peril’.

Another relationship in the house was having it’s ups and downs. Darnell was certainly having that problem in his shorts every time slinky Sara was close by. Instead of trying to disguise his embarrassment at Sara’s hugs and flirting he wore his heart on his trakkie bottoms and was following her around like a giant poodle all week. His insecurities spilled out all over the bedroom when he got jealous of the flirty Aussie chatting with surly Stu. His paranoia created a whole sub-plot about Kat and Rachel conspiring to help Sara get into Stuart’s pants and using him as a scapegoat. No I still don’t understand the concept either. Me thinks he’s missing his wacky backy!

Mo’s been a bit like wallpaper recently so it was refreshing to see him stumbling out of the Diary Room this week in silver wedge sandals and ankle socks. It’s not the first time that Mo’s been in touch with his feminine side. I wonder what Alex would have said at his latest venture into transvestism. If they ever do a black, gay, Muslim version of Grease, he’d make a great Pink Lady.

There was a lot of food around this week which is not a good thing with Mikey around. Now I know he’s blind but my dogs had better table manners. Things got off to a sickly start when he decided to masticate a bucket of sprouts and regurgitate his efforts to make it easier to swallow. Two hours later he gave up, beaten by the smelly green bile that covered his face and hair. He looked like Swamp Thing with a bilious stomach upset.

His involvement in the cake making task was a scream. He mixed the icing with his bare hands, much to Nicole’s horror. He then proceeded to dump the gloopy contents of his bowl over the cake, but completely missed the target and iced the table leg instead.

Despite having messy Mikey on the team, Rachel decided that Hell’s Millenium Dome cake was a winner. To me it looked more like someone had tipped over a sanitary towel bin.

The only highlight of a very dull eviction was the extremely gratuitous task thrown at Stu & Dale at the last minute to make sure we got our pound of bronzed flesh. The only point of the two Himbos dashing around the house in skimpy Speedos was obviously to give us something to watch later on V+ with freeze frame.

Nothing much changed after Dimbo was evicted and reunited with his Northern Cash Cow. Darnell continued to moon over Sara. Stuart and Mo sat around not saying very much and Rex and Nicole bickered over stuff they couldn’t talk about.

I can’t believe my views on Rex have changed so much in the last 7 days. His childish tantrums and constant nagging at Nicole are unbearable to watch.

The pinnacle of his strops had to be the way he reacted to Nicole discovering he had an ‘outy’ belly button. He was furious that she didn’t already know what direction it went. You’d have thought she’d made reference to his Arthur Scargill comb-over from his black mood.

You're Nic'd

This week started quietly after the departure of the pot bellied pig. It was more quiet than a Blackpool salad bar for the first few days after Bec's eviction.

Whilst King Rex got more comfortable in his royal role, Dale and Luke spent the week sulking on the deckchairs. All they needed was a windbreak and a thermos flask and they wouldn't have looked out of place on a Bank Holiday Monday in Whitley Bay.

Simple Stu has been doing his fair share of whinging too. Apparently he has very little success with women. Perhaps if he spent more time developing a personality instead of his biceps he might improve his chances.

It didn't take long for Big Brother to liven things up. The Cops & Robbers task was a hoot. The lads looked like they were about to burst into a rousing chorus of YMCA. The best aspect of the task was the fact that it wasn't a task at all. The real responsibility fell on Dim Dale to secure the luxury budget for the house. You didn't need Tarot cards or a crystal ball to predict the outcome. As soon as he sat in the interrogation chair his gormless grin just screamed 'I dunnit'.

The Nomination Booth was genius. Just proved that they are all a load of backstabbing liars who don't seem capable of keeping to their word. The Heavenly Officers used the opportunity to agree a tactical plan for this week's nominations. High fives and handshakes done they all went in the Diary Room and nominated other people.

A minor slip up in the Lineup task developed into a major headache for Lisa and Luke. Not only did they pick out the wrong girl in the task room but dug themselves deeper and deeper into the shit by slagging off girl number 3 in the lineup. Won't it be awful when the meet Rex's girlfriend at the wrap party!!!!!

The shopping budget was only £77 this week so rather than sweat over the price of chick peas, Rex just opted to buy tea, coffee, milk, sugar and some custard creams and blew the rest on 57 of Big Brothers Ever Changing Tokens. It was a genius risk but Big Brother appreciated his boldness and delivered a feast of epic proportions to the house. There was even a dead pig in the Store Room that had more personality than that Maythingy person.

Maysoon decided to leave this week. It looked like a push job to me. I reckon the producers were so hacked off that they'd put this dullard into the house that they did a secret deal with her to get her out. Probably secured her a modelling contract with JML to get her boring ass out of the house. Surely there must have been someone better at the auditions? Maybe they'd look elsewhere for the next housemate ;-)

After all the nomination intrigue, in and out of the booth, it turned out Dale and Luke were up for eviction. In what looked suspiciously like a panic attack, the producers decided to issue out a load of punishments for talking about noms and put most of the house up. Would Luke survive the public vote in this larger pool?

With so many housemates up for eviction we had a right good fashion show as they all squeezed into eviction outfits of varying quality. Kat looked like a pink flowerpot. Rex strutted around in an ivory hoodie with sequins and lurex. No doubt an exclusive purchase from the leisure range at liberace.com. Luke looked like a teenager going to his big sister's wedding and Rachel really should have thought about some tummy control pants when she was packing.

The Great British Public didn't let me down. Loathesome Luke got the Big E and I'm so happy that I won't have to listen to that affected little twerp for the rest of the summer. No doubt he'll soon be found touring Butlins as the ring announcer at their Holiday Wrestling nights.

Within minutes of Luke leaving the house Big Brother threw the housemates another curve ball and delivered another of his Ever Changes Prizes. Having heard endlessly about the extraordinary beauty that is Rex's girlfriend for the last 8 weeks, who should appear in the store room but the gorgeous girl herself.

Rex's princess cantered into the house like his very own My Little Pony. Tossing and flicking her rather dry hair she hugged and nudged her man with her slightly equine nose.

She was in trouble almost immediately after she jumped the fence to get closer to her man. Instead of being awarded a clear round she was quickly led back to Hell and told she wouldn't now be getting her suitcase. Don't worry love. I'm sure they'll chuck in a few bails of straw for you.

The best laugh this week had to be Mikey eating the hottest chilli in the world. It should have had a voiceover by David Attenborough. It was like watching the final death throes of a large lizard of Living with Reptiles.

This week ended with another highlight. The pressure finally got to crazy Lisa. After all the excitement of eviction night and Nicole entering the house, her fixed stare turned even more psychotic. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she crashed out of the house like the Incredible Hulk in wedge sandals. I think the Security Guards shot her with a tranquiliser dart before she caused too manage damage and she was back in the house within the hour looking calm and distant again.

The term 'box of frogs' springs to mind. I bloody love it!

Mama Mia!

Well I'm back in clammy Croydon having survived 2 weeks of searing heat, angry wasps, peanut butter poo and stifling transport, squashed up against hairy Europeans smelling of fags and pizza. It was like a home from home!

It was a fantasic holiday filled with new experiences. It's not everyone who can claim to have spent an afternoon on a nudist beach discussing DFS sofas with an old queen from Blackpool. What made this scene so memorable was the fact that he spent the whole conversation flapping his balls around in the sea breeze and I couldn't help but notice that his genitals bore a striking to resemblance to Father Christmas with a stinking cold.

As you might expect I had some typical mishaps during the fortnight. The most painful happened late in the first week. We'd had a lovely day on the beach and I'd spent a lot of time languishing in the shallows to cool down. I decided to leave early this day because I wanted to pick up shome shopping on the way back to the apartment. I'd pretty much dried off in the sun so just wandered back into town for a browse.

After about half an hour I started to feel a bit of chaffing between my legs. Damn I thought. My shorts must must have been a bit damp. Too late to do anything about it, I went about my business and as the pain got worse I started to walk like I'd shit my pants. The more I tried not to look like my nappy was full the more awkward my gait became and no matter what I did, the pain at the top of my thighs was getting worse and starting to make my eyes water.

I waddled slowly back to the apartment and eased into the bathroom to check out the damage. As I pulled down my swim shorts I discovered I'd been walking around town with a couple of pounds of wet gravel from the beach trapped in the pant lining of my shorts!

As if in slow motion and due to the excess weight, my shorts dropped to the floor and a substantial amount of Megali Amos beach scattered all over our lovely clean marble floor. We were still standing on stray bits of crunchy beach a week later. I went through a tube of Savlon over the next couple of days and spent most of the time in a sarong so as not to aggravate the red welts between my legs.

We were holidaying on Skiathos which is one of my favourite Greek islands. They filmed Mama Mia there last year and the movie was showing at the open air cinema there. We just had to go and see it. It was a magical night. Singing and dancing along to an ABBA movie under the stars probaby scores rather high on the Campometer. Ghostly sea birds soared overhead as we all got on the floor for the reprise of Dancing Queen at the end. One of mates got a bit carried away and knocked over our table, spilling a full glass of Ouzo over my brand new trainers. I've washed them 3 times since but there's still a whiff of aniseed under my bed.

I don't know if I've mentioned before but my HM seems to have developed a fetish for people with disabilities. Over the last couple of years we've seen him getting off with what could pass for the British Paralymic Squad. This strange obsession continued on holiday as we were introduced to his latest Greek flame. The holiday romance this year was with a deaf mute called George.

To be honest I didn't miss Big Brother while I was away but am right back into it again. So we lost Slimy Shaun and Bloater Becs during my excursion to The Med. No surprises there then.
This week we have most of the house up for eviction which is clearly some attempt by the producers to save the 'characters' of the house. I'm not sure it will work. Loathesome Luke is getting more like Spoilt Bastard from the Viz comic every week. I suspect his days are numbered.

I wonder how they're going to squeeze 9 friends and families into the BBLB studio on Friday. It'll be just like the Skiathos beach bus in there.

Belated postcard over. Normal service will be restored after the next eviction x

Night of the Scatwoman

I’m totally fed up with Mario and his endless tales of his extensive work experience. That colourful CV is more fabricated than Lee McQueen off The Apprentice. When he claimed to have worked as a stunt double for Paul Burrell nobody thought to ask what stunts an ex-butler might be doing.

Mario must be the only man that can make working as a postman sound like The Bourne Conspiracy. He suggested his departure from the PO was very clandestine. Luke was hanging on every word as Mario winked and squinted behind his fake D&G shades. He looked shifty. Maybe he’s worried that MI5 are surveying the house.

The only job that doesn’t seem to appear on Mario’s list of achievements is Executive Chef. I reckon that’s why he’s jealous of Rex but what I want to know is - what the hell is one of them? Is it someone who cooks the books? Sorry ;-)

Dale was in a foul mood after his Jen got the old heave-ho. Scruffy Sara was doing her best to win him over but the surly Scouser was having none of it. When she complimented him on his looks and said he was very youthful he spat back ‘Thanks. That’s really insulting’. I think he was rejecting her friendship to show loyalty to the ex. Little does he know that Geordie Jen is now slagging him off in the tabloids after seeing his audition VT. I think that’s called Karma.

I’m always struggling to find something to write about redundant Rachel. She really is a useless housemate. Her shocking revelation this week was that she can eat lots of grapes. I wonder if that’s what swung it for her at her Big Brother audition. Hey! I can eat a whole jar of peanut butter whilst watching Big Brother’s Big Mouth. I might audition next year.

Belinda is getting a lot of stick this week. Despite the Scatwoman’s attempts to entertain and audition for Ronnie Scott’s she’s gone down like, and resembles, a lead balloon. Poor Scatwoman, Scatwoman, Scatwoman. Her snoring has caused another furore. This lot can bitch and argue at the best of times without adding sleep deprivation into the mix. Belinda has been bullied into moving between bedrooms each night to spread her nocturnal noises across the house more fairly. If I was in there I’d be asking for Luke and Bex to spread themselves a bit more thinly too.

The newbies have created the usual paranoia amongst the paranoid in the house. Rebecca is convinced Sara is fake because she wears the same foundation as her. I don’t think that’s true. Rebecca looks like she buys her makeup at Cash Converters.

Luke suspects the girls are BB agents because they’re immune from nominations. Has he not watched the show before? Mario P.I. is also suspicious and claims to have probed Sarah a few times. I wonder if Lisa knows?

Luke also thinks he’s being attacked by a poltergeist during the night. No Luke. That’s just burly Bex tossing in her sleep. I’m convinced that Rebecca is also to blame for the evil smells in the toilet. You watch. Every time someone talks about a stink she’s hovering in the background looking guilty. Is it just me or does Bex actually look like she smells of lager and chips.

In the shopping task dull Dale transformed into Mr Motivator. He took his role very seriously but was like Michael Flatley without the ability to flick an ankle. He produced a quivering mass of jiggling breasts, muscles and love handles. More Blubber Dance than River Dance.

Lisa is the clumsiest aerobics teacher I’ve ever seen. No sense of rhythm at all. She dances like The Incredible Hulk. Little wonder they failed miserably.

I’d like to say thanks for all your nice comments and feedback. I’m off on holiday for 2 weeks. I can feel the withdrawal symptoms kicking in already x

Happy Happy Hirsute House

The housemates reacted very oddly to Sylvia’s departure. It seemed like they dealt with their upset by grooming. I noticed this strange behaviour when I caught Lisa shaving her moustache with a Bic whilst exfoliating Mario’s knees in the bath.

Dale started growing his facial hair but that was more about competing with the other ape for the affections of stringy Jen. Have you noticed that gorilla Stu has vey peculiar arms. Not sure exercise alone is responsible for those chunky chappies.

As if Big Brother was feeling this vibe he asked all the housemates to trim their bushes. I don’t think it was related to the task but at one point a boozed up Becs was running round the garden screaming ‘Look I got no bum hair’ Classy! Rebecca is why they built Magaluf. Her topless antics in the garden last week covered in yellow sun lotion just made me think – Custard Tart. The daft bint is really making herself look stupid. The housemates were aghast when she said she thought rapper Jay-Z was in the Backstreet Boys. The NHS must be worse that I thought if they’re employing people like Becs to look after patients.

The ‘blind leading the blind’ task was a cracker too, although that title really could apply to any task on Big Brother. After the task everyone was feeling in awe of Mikey after their own blind experience. In less than 20 minutes they were all bitching about him behind his back again.

The animal task was a hoot, with our very own Mean Girls getting their just desserts. Jen and Becs spent the 2 days in soggy, cold seal suits stinking like an early morning at Billingsgate fish market.

Mario must be getting really horny by now. He keeps winking at Lisa and coming out with juvenile innuendos about her sitting on his microphone. Lisa and her talking breasts are having none of it though and she’s even taken to wearing tights under her shorts as a sort of nylon chastity device.

Mario’s not the only one up to double entendre. During the Zoo task Luke kept making reference to Mikey’s elephant helmet.

We learned this week that Luke doesn’t like going topless because of his unattractive chest. Shame Rebecca doesn’t follow his example. I’m really not liking Luke and his camp shit stirring. He’s like Frank Sidebottom playing Charles Hawtrey in Carry on Dick...head.

After more annoying rule breaks, Becs was sent to jail and broke the mirror in the cell. I’m not surprised it broke having to look at her moon face for a 7 hour stretch. That’s 7 year’s bad luck and I reckon her luck will start to run out on Monday. There’ll be another spare fishy bed by next Friday. You mark my words.

Jen got booed out of the house wearing what she called a prom dress. Looked more like Julie Andrews had run it up using her Nan’s curtains. Talk about chucking out the chintz. Poor Dim Dale. How will he cope without his Geordie ironing board?

With Jen now heading to Heat magazine to talk triangles it was time for Davina to introduce us to the 3 brand spanking new housemates. Sara, the angular Aussie seems nice but then they always do. Antipodeans have a knack of endearing themselves to us naïve Pommes and then, before you know it, we have 12 of the buggers camping out in our lounge.

Next up we got a stunning but sour-faced Syrian. She might produce some morning tent action in the boy’s beds but I wouldn’t put money on her facilitating a Happy House at any time soon. May soon? I bet she has Kat in tears by Tuesday.

Belinda flew in on Boeing bingo wings, wearing a Halloween lantern. A bit madcap mum but then I thought Carole was like that last year on first impressions. How wrong can you be!

The 3 girls have caused quite a stir in the house. The only person who appeared unmoved by events was Dale. He was just stood around with that gormless mug on him as the girls settled in.

I am so hooked again this year.

Child's Play 2

Thoughts of ‘what’s her face’ and that wet blonde are long gone and we started this week with sexy Stu trying to ward off the advances of a frighteningly horny Sylvia. He’s a strange one this Stu. Looks like someone stuck Bambi’s head on a Heat magazine Torso of the Week.

In between stealing cookies and bitching about Mo, Sylvia slithered around an increasingly nervous Stuart. She used all of her feminine wiles to manoeuvre herself into his space and into his bed but you could tell Stu wasn’t feeling it. God knows how she didn’t read his body language. There was more cold shoulder than you’d find at Morrison’s Deli counter.

Luke is really grating on me now. That camp and deliberate way he has of speaking reminds me of this annoying kid who was in my class at school. He was always sucking up to the teachers and inevitably landed up with his head being held down the toilet most lunch breaks.

Luke is a clever game player. He flits from one group to the other spreading gossip and planting doubt. Darnell has his number though and rendered Luke speechless when he suggested that he was playing a good game. The case of the missing custard creams didn’t really change my view of Luke. His whole performance during that silly episode was contrived and I was really hoping that one of the housemates would shove his head down the pan to shut the little twerp up. Justin Timberlake, my arse!

Mikey made some blinding faux pas this week. First of all he was caught cleaning his dirty winkle in a tumbler. The luxury girls were horrified that they might have used the glass. Huh! I bet if it had been Dale, the girls would have been queuing up to help and only too pleased to get their lips round his dirty winkle.

Mikey’s second slip was his stand up comedy routine. It involved bestiality and squirty cream and silenced the house for the first time in 3 weeks! I don’t think we’ll be seeing Mikey developing a career in after dinner speeches for corporate events.

I’m really warming to Mario & Lisa. During the video task Mario suggested that Lisa should be the stylist and makeup artist! Was he deliberately trying to fail the task? That would be like putting Shane McGowan in a Colgate advert. His Sex, Drugs & Sausage Rolls T shirt will be selling like hot cakes in Blackpool over the summer. You mark my words.

Dim Dale has been very moody this week. He’s feeling very insecure about his looks since Stu arrived and has spent most of the week with his top off and wearing mascara. He was fishing for compliments all over the place and eventually got some fine praise for his pec appeal from………..Luke.

Picturegate was another one of those Big Brother fracas that start over something of nothing and escalate quickly into something like a pile up on the M25.

Jen’s attention seeking hysteria over some pizza sauce on her daft painting went to epic heights. This was despite naughty Rex apologising about 100 times for this act of gross misconduct. You’d think he’d drawn a moustache on the Mona Lisa the way they all carried on. In fact at one point Jen made a very good point when she said to Rex that he wouldn’t have done it to a Monét. Quite.

All the luxury crew gathered as the storm developed. Dennis was bereft. Sat on the bed with his head in his hands like he was Mary Magdelene at the foot of the cross.

The wailing continued at which point the topless twinky boys finally perked up and decided to throw their taught muscles around and demanded Rex apologise some more to the broken hearted babe in the other room. Rex and Mo sighed and ambled off to see what all the fuss was about.

With Jen still in floods a cider-crazed Becs rounded on Mo and in a flash it turned nasty. Dennis sprang up from the bed looking like an evil Chucky doll and spat in Mo’s face. You could say it was a spit that ended the spat. Immediately BB called Dennis to the Diary Room and the next day he was sent packing with talk of a Police investigation.

Dale was almost the next one out the back door when he accused Mo of squaring up to Becs. Listen matey. The only thing square in that room on Thursday was Bec’s jaw!

As predicted the snidey Sylvia got the boot on Friday with 90% of the votes. Off she went in what looked like a parachute under a sequined vest. I wonder if they’ll replace Dennis with a fit bird. If not, the lads will need a lot more cider in the shopping to make Bec’s look more alluring.

She's just a Devil Woman...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!

That's better. I've been so stressed this week watching the Waddon Witch that I think I've developed peptic ulcer! How the hell did the BB producers actually manage to find someone worse than Charley? What the hell is wrong with these South London girls and what gives them such an attitude and misguided self assurance? Any road up. More about her later…….unfortunately.

It's not all been aggression this week. We've had budding romance and sleeze. The latter, coming from oily Mario and his statuesque, lycra-clad lover. The pair of them were all over each other all week. It was like watching Jerry 'The King' Lawler wrestling Jeff Hardy on Monday Night Raw. They nearly did come to blows at one point when Mario passed a rather rude comment about Lisa's makeup. Mind you she did look she'd just eaten a cow pat at the time. Someone had to say something.

I know everyone hates Mario but I have to say I've taken a shine to this David Brent on steroids. He's so vain and a bit pervy with it. When he told Lisa he wanted to dip his custard cream in some hot juicy tea you just knew he wasn't talking PG Tips. He's a class housemate. I hope he doesn't get booted next week.

A brooding sexual chemistry developed between Jen & Dale, the house chipmunks. Just like their Disney counterparts one of them is the bossy, serious one and the other is a bit dim. I let you make your own mind up about which one is which. Suffice to say that Dale's input to the discussion about beauty being skin deep was - "If you're attractive and you're a ****, you might as well have no face".

That Mikey's been upsetting Sylvia again. First he sneezed and dropped his snotty tissue into the crisps during the task. Ok I know that's a bit unhealthy but the poor lad can't see where his bogeys are flying. 24 hours later he'd upset her again by asking her to keep the noise down in the bedroom.

Talking of noise. The Karaoke marathon was very funny. Rex just didn't seem to care. Dennis thought he was Bonnie Tyler. Well, Bonnie Tyler with a wobbly 12-pack. Sylvia's efforts were the most bizarre. Why was she singing Total Eclipse of the Heart with a fake Jamaican accent? It was like she was doing the Ragga dancehall version but she sounded more like Zig and Zag.

Mikey wasn't the only one in trouble this week. Poor Becs was so excited when the luxury food arrived. Her happiness was short lived though. In her eagerness to get stuck into the shopping she picked up the 'Go To Jail' card and had to spend the rest of the afternoon behind bars looking like a bored panda wearing Bet Lynch's earings.

Back to the bitch then. I'm appalled to think that Alex is in my Hood. If I ever bump into her in Sainsburys I'm gonna deck her with a bag of BBQ charcoal. Trust me. This woman will never be ready. Memba a told you that. Memba a told you. Pow, pow, pow, pow. Idiot. Thank God she's gone. My blood pressure has come down and I did a normal poo this morning for the first time in 10 days. I'm as relaxed as her hair now.

We finished last night with a new housemate called Stuart. Jen and Sylvia were all over him like they'd just come into season. The others were more cautious and a bit suspicious of him. I have to admit that I am too. He looks like a bearded lady. He's obviously had makeup tips from Jodie Marsh

To Have and to Hold

Still missing Dermy but have to admit I'm warming to George and his Mallen streak. So far we've only glimpsed a bronzed ankle but I'm sure we'll have the pleasure of his muscley thighs soon. I keep emailing the production team so fingers crossed.

The fake wedding this week was genius. Mario, the Warrington Legend, joined in matrimony with sulky Steph whilst his orange partner looked on with a face tighter than Danni Minogue's forehead. After days of 'will they or won't they' the ceremony went ahead as planned and was only interrupted momentarily when the sour faced Alex got up and said she thought the whole thing was a sham. Across the land you could hear cries of 'Sit down and shut up you muppet'.

The happy couple's joy was short lived as a sneaky BB promptly told the housemates that there was a genuine couple in the house and at that point it dawned on everyone that the only possible choice was Mario & Lisa. They came from the same place, were the same age and their bodies were similar in size and colour. Lisa has bigger ears and broader shoulders but that wasn't enough to put the HM's off the scent. Rumbled!

Dale had his mono-brow plucked by the lovely but dour Geordie Jen. You could tell there's something stirring with this pair as they eyed each other over the spaghetti like a Chav version of Lady & the Tramp.

Alex, the Waddon Witch spat lazy insults at everyone all week. No one was safe except for her flying monkeys, Sylvia and Dennis, who she sends out to spread rumours and fuel paranoia across the house. Her rages this week were over a violated lighter, a damp thong and some spoiled chips. Here's a woman who truly knows her petty self. I bet the clipboards at Channel 4 Towers are snapping away to find ways and means to save the vile, volatile creature from eviction for a few weeks. Alex is this year's Channel 4 Cash Cow. Remember I told you!

The highlight for me this week was the electric shock task. When Jen appealed to Dennis and Rachel to stop because there were people in tears she wasn't joking. I was crying with laughter at the jolting jessies everytime their bums were zapped.

When Kat went to the Diary Room to appeal to Big Brother for some relief, I was laughing so much I coughed up a bit of beetroot from earlier. Crying her little eyes out in that shiny red lycra suit she looked like the Diary Room had just given birth. Kat is my early favoutrite. What's not to like about a Cookie Queen who likes boy sausage. HIRRRARRRIOUS.

Have you noticed how intolerant this lot are to alcohol. After a couple of glasses of watered down WKD and they were all falling over and unable to string a sentence together. Sylvia was a particualr stand out as she wobbled round the decking like Kelly Rowland staggering home after a bitch fight with Beyoncé.

To be honest I wasn't that fussed about losing Steph on Friday. I barely understood a word she said while she was in there. It wasn't so much the Scouse accent but the fact that she sounded like she was chewing a tampon when she spoke.We always lose a girl in Week 1. I'm just not sure we lost the right one this year.

Sweet Sixteen

The first couple into the house are a couple! Yes, Sylvester Stallone's older brother and his sunbed princess are BB UK's first real life couple to enter the house. I wonder what odds I'd get at Paddy Power for them to be single before September?

I spent the first half hour thinking Mario looked very familiar before the penny dropped. He's already appeared on a lesser reality show featuring petty criminals being banged up in America's toughest jail. He obviously enjoys being incarcerated with n'er do wells.

I always thought that people who worked at British wrestling shows were a bit odd. Like the boy at school who ate his lunch behind the science block and smelled of frog spawn. However Luke seems quite sweet but I nearly choked on a spring onion when he said people think he's gay. Sorry my new summer friend, but your complete lack of fashion sense belies your gayness. I've seen bingo callers with more style.

Time for some vacuous totty next and BB delivered once again. Steph is a Scouse hotty who was a Girls Aloud reject. Big lips and stick legs. Heat magazine will devour her. Stephanie must have been looking forward to a Summer time of love with boys, boys, boys. Instead Big Brother has paired her off with oily Mario and they're to be married on Sunday round the pool. I wonder if Lisa will catch the bouquet. Where's the honeymoon? Steph didn't look best pleased at the thought of getting lumbered with the greasy lump.

Tiny Rachel was up next. Apparently she has two Yorkshire Terriers at home. The way she was yack, yack, yacking I reckon she's been spending too much time in their company. Davina said Rachel's half the size she was a year ago. Give her a couple more and she'll be sharing a basket with her Yorkie mates at that rate.

Next to leap out of the A Team van was Jamie Maguire off Shameless. A real player by all accounts. You could tell. He was already halfway out of his pants before he got into the house. I have to admit that I drooled a bit at his intro.

Sylvia with sexy eyes slinked up the stairs next. Not sure the combination of purple dress, big orange flower and cow print stilettos was a good choice to be honest. Stick an Afro on her and she could have been Norwood's answer to Crystal Tips.

WOW! Fabulous dancing Dennis erupted out of the van like a chubby Liza Minelli, only more feminine. Shaking his tush and moulting sequins en-route, he was totally oblivious to the jeering crowd. Dennis was doing his own amateur night version of A Chorus Line and no one was gonna rain on his parade.

I'm not sure what the crowd made of Michael. Should we cheer or jeer a blind, Scottish, transvestite wearing an Ikea rug? It's a dilemma that not many of us have prepared for.

A sour faced harridan from Croydon appeared next, in a purple nightie. She reminded me of surly Dawn from BB7. You know. The one who smelled and got flung out for cheating. I bet this one will be shaking her hair extensions at some poor bugger by the end of the weekend. I'm sure I've seen her before. I think it was at Primark Customer Services. She was shouting at a small Pole and waving a £2 bikini around.

Rex next and proof that not all gingers are mingers. His gay Dad has obviously taught him well, but he lost points for wearing roasting tins on his feet. He wants to be a professional bully. Not in those shoes mate.

Then came a Toy Demonstrator from Somalia. What the fuck is one of them. He seems like a nice lad. The last time we had a war zone refugee in the house it all ended in plate smashing when Ahmed freaked. Mohammed looks more stable, sadly.

If you thought the Twins from last year were incomprehensible then take a look at Becs. I've watched her VT six times now and can only make out the words - boys, drunk and stupid. She has an interesting wide face. A bit like Nadia, if Nadia looked like a girl.

Highlight of the night for me was Darnell. He's the mad monk from The DaVinci Code! He seems to suffer from the same problem as Rebecca. The housemates tried for ages to catch his name. They called him Daniel, they called him Donald. "That's not my name, that's not my name". They gave up in the end and just smiled at him. Not even an albino in slippers phased this lot.

The obligatory mouthy Geordie was up next. Well there's always one. Imagine Cheryl Cole with a receding hairline. That's our Jennifer.

The final housemate to enter the house this year was like a Thai version of Jimmy Krankie, wearing gold diving boots and pink plastic pants. I hope Big Brother doesn't give her any ping pong balls!

What a motley crew and don't we just bloody love it. I'm hooked already and fell asleep on the sofa last night watching some people sitting in a giant white ashtray

Premature Speculation

I just love the weeks leading up to Big Brother. My annual TV addiction is always preceded by weeks of rumour and speculation surrounding the show. I’m so happy to say that 2008 is no different and breathed a sigh of relief to hear that Davina is definitely not planning to do Hedda Gabler at the Old Vic after she’s seen off this year’s hopeful and hapless housemates.

There’s been lots of web inches about who would be replacing Dermot on BBLB. I even started one rumour myself on a well known internet forum. I almost had them convinced that The Krankies were in the frame this year. I say almost because just as people were beginning to think that it really wasn’t that far fetched, Jimmy Krankie turned up on Alan Titchmarsh in a neck brace announcing her retirement. Scuppered!

We waved goodbye to Dermy after Celebrity Big Brother and now we say hello to E4 musos George Lamb and Zezi Ifore. This duo are very cool but I’m sure it won’t be long before George is sitting in a paddling pool in tight trunks and Zezi is road testing hair straighteners from the ice cream van.

Haven’t seen any leaks about potential hosts for Big Mouth. Matt & James were my favourites last year. I’d like to see Ian Lee have a go this year. The gangly geek would be a perfect host to keep that noisy rabble under control. I was like a rabbit caught in headlights when I was there. I reckon cage fighting would be less scary.

The strangest rumour I’ve heard this year started off with the tabloids speculating about a tiny bed going into the house. This exploded into an elaborate and exotic tale of belly dancing midgets and a glamorous ex housemate. Wouldn’t it be great if this one was true. We could add ‘smallest winner’ to our list of firsts.

The new eye looks a bit evil and there’s talk of the housemates having an unpleasant summer this year. Maybe they’re bringing back Charley & Carol!

My new mates V+ and Catch Up TV should help me see some sunshine and get a reasonable amount of sleep during Big Brother 2008. Last year I ended the summer looking like Pete Docherty playing Jacob Marley in panto!