Sunday, 23 August 2009

The Monster Mash

After my full on Bea-rating last week I was determined to ease off the Bristol bitch today but as her attention seeking antics reached new depths during the last 7 days, I thought what the #*&!

Following Freddie's early departure (I really miss the silly little bugger) she decided to make a move on Siavash and made a bid for the corner bed. The hairy one was having none of it and as she settled in like a cat that had the cream, Siavash announced that he fancied a move too and considered keeping an eye on the kids down the other end of the bedroom. Bea looked crest fallen as Marcus smirked under his duvet.

To be honest I think Bea and Siavash make a good couple. They both look like they get their clothes from bin bags outside Sue Ryder. They're equally selfish and the pair of them are great at dishing out advice to the others but reluctant to take on board any form of feedback from their housemates. I nearly used the positive/negative words there!

I used to really like Siavash but as the weeks have gone on I'm tired of his refusal to nominate. I think it's devious. He knows that he has a better chance of staying if all the housemates get put up. I'm also sick of his zany wardrobe. What a bleedin' state. How can anyone say he's a cool dude when he's walking around with a pair of trousers that have one long leg and one short one. Teamed with that dirty looking brown dog blanket he looks like he's spent too long under the arches at Waterloo station on a diet of Special Brew. You wouldn't even give him a job as a Big Issue seller unless he cleaned up his act.

The spurned Bea finally settled on the bed next to Charlie the 'clown'. Not a wise move when you consider the Geordie's track record for late night bedroom shenanigans. True to form, Charlie proved again that he's a lousy bed mate. On the first night his 'playfulness' went too far again and the union was ruined when he spat a mouthful of water in Bea's face. It was only a joke, like. Bea was inevitably very upset but somehow she managed to hold back the tearless tears.

Things didn't get any better for Bea the next day. All the housemates were cock-a-hoop at getting messages from home. All except Bea who couldn't understand why her message was from some old friend and not from her Mother. To be honest I can completely understand why she didn't want to appear on telly after the appalling behaviour of her spoilt off spring. She must be mortified and questioning her parenting skills. Then again maybe she can't see her daughter's faults. Judging by last night's X Factor auditions it's amazing how deluded and blinkered parents can be when it comes to their own kids.

Suffice to say that Bea ruined the day for everyone. Her strop carried on for ages but it did create one of the funniest comedy moments so far as Rodrigo got an uncontrollable fit of the giggles at the silliness of the situation. That went down like a lead balloon and fuelled Bea's fire until the wee small hours. The house was exhausted by the drama and everyone finally left her stewing in the garden, rolling a fag.

Roddy and Sophie are becoming a right little double act. The Friendly Tuna discussion in the kitchen had me in tears. Everyone should check their tins for bits of dolphin from now on. I always wondered what those small grey bits were. How can Sophie not know what brine is? I'm sure her breasts are full of it! She saved the best for last though. I never knew that sharks were blind. Did you? They must be very short sighted to say the least if they mistake swimmers on lilos for sea horses. Poor buggers. No wonder they're bad tempered.

I'm really starting to warm to Marcus and Lisa! There I've said it! Marcus plotting his wank with his Boy Scout masturbation kit was hilarious. Why can't he just have his way with himself under the bed covers like everyone else? The guilty look on his face when he was rumbled by Roddy and the others was priceless. Something I'm sure we can all relate to from our own teenage years at home. I bet it's a face that his skinny minge bag Mum with her pointy nose has seen many times.

I loved the Horror task this week. It's always fantastic to see housemates bickering in ridiculous outfits. I was so pleased that Bea insisted on being the Frankenstein monster. I bet 2 million other people were wishing they were Charlie when he was zapping her ass.

David was the chubbiest skeleton I've ever seen. 32 waist my arse. I do like dopey Dave but he really needs to start bothering about things in the house. I mean he's so not bothered. Really he's not bothered. No seriously he's not bothered. His apathy might be his downfall ;-)

It was another genius task. I'm bloody loving Big Brother again this year. What other show could give you a bunch of zombies fighting over 2 fried chicken nuggets?

Sunday, 16 August 2009


Free loving hippy my arse! Not since the loathsome Jason Cowan graced our screens have I despised a housemate so much as Bealzebub. It's freaking me out that I'm actually starting to warm to Lisa in the wake of this cold, conniving .............. almost used another C word there!

Bea entered the house a few weeks ago portraying herself as a lovable and peaceful wood nymph with high morals and a sense of fair play. The way she refused to trap Freddie in the task given to the new housemates was admirable and she cleverly endeared herself to the viewers who were distracted by a small Asian buffoon with a strange Scottish/LA hybrid accent. What was his name again?

There were early signs of what was to come when Bea and the small Asian buffoon had an argument. The first mountain from a mole hill was created as the Bristol bitch turned the screws. The hippy mask finally slipped as she sat smirking on the fag bench demanding to know if the small Asian buffoon felt intimidated by her. The question jarred and was further evidence that this little princess may not be all she appeared to be.

Give her some due though. She'd thought about her game plan before going into the house. She quickly had Freddie under her spell as he flopped around the house after her like an Andrex puppy. She also became 'best friends' with Noirin, the other big character in the house. Being friends with Bea is a poisoned chalice as both would find out very soon. Friendship with her is on her terms and when the real Bea surfaces it's like being given a bed bath with Ajax and a Brillo pad.

The worm turned when Noirin went a man too far and snogged Siavash, only to dump him 2 days later when her American Daddy turned up to rescue her from these lusty lads. The knives were out and Bea took it upon herself to provide the weapons at every opportunity. Suddenly she was Marcus' number one fan and decided that she was the girl for Siavash. Neither were particularly impressed with this change of heart so Bea upped the bitch factor and slung mud and arrows at Noirin until the Dublin hussy was duly evicted with her Yank in tow. I can still see Bea's smug face as she sat on the sofa gloating in her self made Team Marcus t-shirt.

Bea's lack of self awareness was also coming to the fore. She was brutal in her condemnation of Noirin's flirting but quite happy to announce to the house that she'd already slept with over 50 men in Bristol. I'm always suspicious of people who talk about 'free love'. It usually means they're a complete slag.

Dim Dave was next on Bea's list. The house Shrek was subject to her snide comments in and out of the Diary Room. Her main beef seemed to be the fact that he's about as articulate as a pot bellied pig and just as greedy. I felt like phoning the RSPCA.

Bea's awfulness exploded like an horse ejaculating this week. Clearly miffed at the lack of male attention as the boys were more intent on being rebels without a cause she turned on Freddie. Sulking like a stroppy schoolgirl after he tried to give her some friendly advice about her constant bitching. This advice went down like a lead balloon and she ripped him apart with an icy calm that reminded me of Hannibal Lecter's psychological dissection of Clarice in Silence of the Lambs. He didn't stand a chance and by Friday he was gone. The sly smile on her face when Davina said Freddie's name sent a chill through our hearts. This woman is evil personified.

Suddenly she's best mates with Dave & Lisa but Lisa's not daft. Dave on the other had is and he's looking more bemused than normal at this new best friend routine. Dave, she's as fake as her skanky hair.

The best thing about watching this nasty woman is that she's not nearly as clever as she thinks she is. My favourite quote on the week was when she was sat in the diary room, bitching as usual, and called a fellow housemate a duplicitous noddy. She was wearing a red beanie hat at the time.

In other news. Sophie's tits have got even bigger and Charlie and Rodrigo's love/hate relationship is getting on mine.