Thursday, 20 October 2011

They've Blown It!

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Big Brother Bitchionary


- noun
1. a person who hates men but hates themself even more
2. a person who tells lies
3. a person with no sense of self awareness
4. a c***,  usually a prostitute or woman of loose morals

- adjective
1. manipulative
2. controlling
3. disingenuous
4. bitchy
5. shit stirring

- verb
1. to assassinate with a smile


- noun
1. God's place
2. a person who doesn't know when to shut the f*ck up
3. a fruit cake

1. delusional


- noun
1. a sow's ear
2. a crone
3. a person who frequents seaside slot machine arcades
4. a person of indeterminable skin tone

- adjective
1. gullible

(ay-den, ar-den, ah-dén)

- noun
1. an immature wuss
2. a person who can't rap

1. wet


- noun
1. a person who lives off benefits and spends their days in the gym and the weekend shagging Alex types


- noun
1. a good egg
2. a small penis

- adjective
1. stringy


- noun
1. a bit of fluff

1. shallow


- noun
1. wallpaper

- adjective
1. loyal


- noun
1. a fox killer
2. a young Boris Johnson


- noun
1. a matey bird

- adjective
1. emotional
2. lacking confidence


- noun
1. a person who thinks they're more clever than they really are
2. someone with their brains in the abs


- noun
1. a person of dubious sexual orientation
2. a person who avoids eye contact

- adjective
1. mysterious


- adjective
1. beautiful
2. dull


- noun
1. a person who writes bitchy blogs

- adjective
1. reem ;-)

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Female Trouble

In the space of a week it's gone from Hollyoaks to a John Water's movie.  How quickly the worms have turned and the mice are roaring.  The full moon had a strange affect on the house hormones. Oh and Mark got his dick out.

Rebeckah has always been a bit prickly but this week she really showed her hand as she weaved a spell around hapless Aden and Mark.  Toying with them like a cat with her acrylic talons.  With all that totty in there why would these donuts fall for the mardy bird who doesn't seem to brush the back of her hair?

Maybe it was the anecdote about her urinating on her boyfriend that got their juices flowing but can't they see that she's really taking the piss?  The only watersports she's going to play would involve drowning the competition in the egg shaped bath.  She's already dampened Arden's ardour and looks like it'll be tears at bedtime for Mark since he informed us that he cries after a wank.  Get those boys some Zinc tablets!

As well a playing the players, Rebeckah's also been shit stirring and bitching about her other housemates at every opportunity.  I know it wouldn't be hard to manipulate some of those dim wits but it seems like Aaron is the only person who can see what she's up to.  She knows he knows too and it's really annoying her :-)

Chocolate gate was a perfect example of her devious tactics.  After munching a few sneaky biscuits in the store room she discovered that Heaven had been spotted nibbling a bit of chocolate.  She immediately raised the alarm with the other housemates, screaming 'Heaven's eating all the food'.  Mob rule descended on the hapless holistic healer and she ran off sobbing to the bedroom.  Enter Rebeckah, the caring counsellor, to tell Heaven why none of the other housemates like her.  Of course she was only doing this because Heaven is like her best friend.  Job done.  The Spearmint Rhino hostess smirked as Heaven looked broken and confused.

Poor Alex was given a task by Big Brother this week.  I think it was to raise her profile.  She spent the next two hours walking round the house talking to herself.  Isn't that what she's been doing for the last seven days?

Faye and Maisy didn't really do much this week apart from sit around with the Wolf pack lads.  This Wolf pack thing is a really bad idea.  It's like The Jungle Cats with no teeth.

I'm really liking Aaron and Louise and their developing relationship.  They're my favourite housemates at the moment.  They seem quite human and normal.  In their case 'being themselves' is a good thing which can't be said for the other attention seeking idiots.  I really wish Aaron had been brave enough to dump the shopping list for some beer and a Scalextric set.  Give him more time and I think he's gonna be a Big Brother star.  It's a bonus that he's a dead ringer for Jenson Button.

Talking of attention seeking idiots.....Trashie was the first person to get the boot.  Her highlights in the house were crying over a saucepan and claiming the moon had tears because she was up for eviction.  If she was granted one wish, what would it be?  Of course, she wanted to grow things on trees like sandwich bags.  What about growing a brain or some dignity? What a ridiculous waste of space.

I'm still liking crazy Mark but wishing that he'd keep his clothes on some of the time.  Running around the house naked he looks like a stork with a prolapse.

Quote of the week came from Aaron.  During a very intellectual debate about the origins of Big Brother the Weston Wonder told everyone that the concept came from a book called 1984 written by Orson Welles. Genius.

In other news - Cheryl Cole has finally managed to get another job.  The Geordie Polly Pocket has flown into Afghanistan to help the boys in beige defeat the Taliban.  They plan to send her round the mountains singing her greatest hit live, to drive the enemy out of their caves.  I'm sure Amnesty International will be on the case as that's more cruel than anything that went on in Guantanamo Bay.  Without auto-tuning that really is a weapon of mass destruction.

Saturday, 10 September 2011


I haven't even had time to blog about the Celebrity Big Brother Final, but well done Paddy Docherty for wrestling the crown from tabloid princess Kerry Katona.  She should definitely consider an acting career after that grateful runner up performance on Thursday night.  The odds were always in Paddy's favour though.  Just look at previous winners like Alex Reid & Bez from The Happy Mondays.  The Great British public love an inarticulate oaf.

24 hours later and we're off again, but with real people to love and hate for the next couple of months.

I say real but there is one fake in the mix. Pamela Anderson has agreed to spend a few days with the new housemates to sort out her overdraft.  I guess this was a better option than playing Aladdin's genie in Hull for a month at Christmas.  Nice of her to leave that job open for Kerry.

So would it be back to basics or a line up of shocking freaks?

First  down the runway was Mark.  A cheeky chap with a small willy.  It was like Joe Pasquale had just woken up in an alternative reality.  Seems quite adorable but will probably annoy the hell out of the other housemates :-)

Housemate number 2 is irritating Maisie, a fame hungry wannabe.  She's one of those pretty girls who fold jeans at Abercrombie & Fitch just to make normal people feel insecure about their own looks.  Loves heating up baked beans wearing nothing but spike heels.  Is that what she meant by 'living for the moment'?  No likeability factor.

Aaron up next.  A cute tosser who walks like he's shit his pants.  Came over as a complete knob in his VT.  No doubt he'll turn out to be an absolute sweetie.

Hooray for Heaven.  She's an holistic healer who's obsessed with her womb.  I suspect there will be a few of her male housemates who will be interested in exploring that region too. She nearly lost her small breasts on the way in as she slipped into Brian's arms. I can see her doing a porn version of Play School with two hairy bears, a pigtailed dolly bird and her ugly mate.  Has someone spiked my wine?

Tom Thumb popped up next.  A curly, camp Hobbit whose party trick is getting his massive cock out.  Small people with big penises scare me.  The dwarf with the cod piece in The Singing Ringing Tree scarred me for life.

Time for Tashie.  A loud belly dancer who swears in 5 languages.  Annoying but nice shoes.

Odd Aden ambled out like he wasn't quite sure he wanted to be there.  After months of auditions and beating thousands to win a place in the house he could have at least tried to look a bit excited.

Up next was Alex. A South Shield's munter with nasty extensions and in need of some Freederm.  Works front of house at McDonalds.  They must have right posh burger bars in the North East.

Say hello to Harry.  This big country toff in crumpled Ralph Lauren wants to be a gay icon.  Needs to do something about his bad teeth and embarrassing wind first.

Rebeckah is a man hating lap dancer. She's neurotic and has anger issues.  Broke down as soon as she got in the house.  Will be the first to have a meltdown hopefully.

Anton swaggered out onto the stage.  The People's Champion and a Croydon legend......allegedly.  He once played football for Crystal Palace.  So not that special then.

Fiesty Faye, the tom boy wrestler, is fit as f***.  When she entered the house she asked if anyone else was shaking. I'm sure there was a few stirrings in the guy's pants.  I like her.  In fact I think I might fancy her a bit!

Oh look it's another Geordie cliché.  Jay is muscles and tattoos in a tank top and designer jeans.  His best chat up line is 'Come back to mine for a shag and pizza'.  Works for me.

Last and maybe least, it's Louise. A Manc model who thinks she's intelligent. Nuff said.  First to get the boot I reckon.

So this is Big Brother - Hollyoaks style, which is probably a really good move by Channel 5. These are the best looking housemates we've ever had, but how are they all going to cope with only one hairdryer and a pair of straighteners?  Somehow I don't think food will be the main cause of arguments this year. I suspect the weekly shopping list will be fags, booze and fake tan.

Quote of the first night has to go to Mark who gave a bit of a back handed compliment to Pamela Anderson - 'You're like really fit in real life'.

Welcome back Big Brother.  The perfect antidote to 6 weeks of burly blokes in tight shorts chasing a ball around some sheep fields down under.

Oh I don't know........

Wednesday, 7 September 2011


Whilst I was trawling through the archives on my hard drive over the summer I stumbled across the mini dance album I made about 5 years ago called Bailamos.

It's an eclectic mix of Latin beats and Euro pop inspired by summer holidays.

Over the next few weeks I'll share some of the tracks with you.  I hope you like them :-)

Just click the on the music player buttons on the right.

Saturday, 3 September 2011

The Borehamwood Riots

Just as the UK was recovering from the recent urban riots and the Notting Hill Carnival passed without incident, the Big Brother House became the latest victim of the messed up generation.  The Grimes Twins chased the rabbit into wonderland and trashed the house and the goodwill of their fellow inmates.

They decided to become punks for the day.  Punks?  Mincing around the house in leather waistcoats and Lycra leggings, they were more like pole dancers at G.A.Y.  Only slightly less cringe worthy than the previous day when they were crawling around the carpet in paper nappies and bonnets.  I'm surprised the tabloids didn't pick up on this disturbing sight.  I suppose they feared a Page 3 for Paedophiles backlash.

In typical British fashion the grown ups in the house either ignored or made excuses for their complete lack of respect and consideration for anyone or anything.  They just did because they can and sod the f'n consequences.  The housemates really struggled to hide their public anger about the destructive brats in case it would make them seem politically incorrect.  Some, like Boring Bob even faked his enjoyment of the whole fracas as though he thought by supporting these jerks it would somehow gain him kudos with the viewers.

It wasn't until Kerry, the Warrington fish wife, nearly took a nose dive on a soup slick in the kitchen that the true feelings emerged.  She wiped the floor with the immature brush heads as her tether ended and she went into Mimi Maguire mode.  Go Kerry!  She might be shameless and not have many/any talents but she certainly knows how to deal with unruly kids.  The Met Police ought to sign her up.

The gormless duo just stood there not knowing how to react to Kerry's tirade.  They're obviously not used to any form of discipline but the penny dropped eventually and the pansy punks went off with their limp tails between their legs and did something completely out of character.  They cleaned the kitchen.

The next uncomfortable watch was when the brats won the shopping task and ram raided the local branch of Lidls.  Seeing them clearing the shelves of bananas and bags of Haribo as they ran round the store grinning was like a rerun of the Croydon riots on Sky News.  It was in such bad taste, I was almost tempted to call OFCOM.

Some people say that Big Brother is trashy and irrelevant.  I say it's always been a mirror of our social values and behaviour, disguised as frothy fun.  Sometimes it's more shocking and thought provoking than the most credible documentaries.  It's not only a game show and that's why I think it's still drawing the crowds after a decade.

In other news.....

The porky Pap from Down Under continued to show a complete lack of self awareness by claiming that some people are trying to influence others in the house.  Pot (belly) calling the kettle black!

Kerry & Lucien have developed a very odd relationship.  It's like watching someone's Mum on a Hen Weekend in Magaluf .

Poor Paddy is losing the plot now.  Jedward, a horror movie and a plate of garlic finally pushed him over the edge and the former fighter was screaming for his Mammy.  The other housemates better be careful as he's snarling and snapping like a cornered dog now.  Can he hold it together for another week?  I hope not.

We lost another couple of girls this week.  Can't say I'll miss trippy Tara, but I was hoping to hear more of Pamela's fantastic/fantasy parties with our Royal Family.  The best story of the week was her tale about having a fag with Elton and Diana's Mum by the wheelie bins at Althorp House. Classy! You just couldn't make this stuff up.  We actually that's not true.  She probably did.

And finally.  The quote of the week came from the mildly more bearable twin.  After Big Brother gave the housemates back their hot water, Edward was really happy because 'cold water is like, really cold'.

Listen lads. Cold water is like something Jedward will never be.  Really Cool!

Sunday, 28 August 2011

Bad Boys Inc

OK so here's the thing.  We all love a bad boy but bad boys who are sexually arrogant and absorbed in their own macho cool.  So how come we get a Big Brother house full of immature, attention seekers with about as much machismo as litter of toy poodle puppies.

Darryn Lyons even has a poofy pink rinse in his ridiculous barnet and a lumpy stomach that could pass for a lactating bitch.  The awful Aussie has spent the last week attempting to cause divisions in the house and preying on the weaker members of the pack.  He fronts up like a rufty tufty XXXX Bush Man but all the bravado is just a cover for an insecure little spoilt brat, who's made a living out of other people's misery.

His parrot feathers were really ruffled this week when Sally branded him heartless in the Wizard of Oz task.  Knowing this could have an impact on his position in the house and in the eyes of the viewers, he went into damage limitation mode.  Given the choice of a slap up meal and a chat with his Macaw or providing his housemates with a Chinese Takeaway - guess which one he chose?  Was it really a selfless act or just a blatant vote catcher?  I might have given him the benefit of the doubt had he not spent the rest of the day making sure everyone knew what a good deed he'd done whilst wiping tears and silver make up from his fat cheeks.

And then we have the witless, effeminate twins.  This charmless duo are unable to stop performing to the cameras in their camp stage costumes.  This pair of namby-pamby brats have an unnatural and uncomfortable bond that makes them incapable of any sort of social awareness or interaction.  The sight of 2 grown men playing footsie with each other's dangly bits in the bath whilst grinning inanely was a disturbing insight into Planet Jedward.  Brings a whole new meaning to the term 'pleasuring yourself'.

What's really interesting is the reaction (or lack of) from the other housemates to their anti-social behaviour.  It  sums up this apathy we have at the moment to discipline unruly kids.  It might be understandable if they were 10 years old but these idiots are legally allowed to vote, drink, marry and have children of their own.  I think we should stop blaming the Police and the Government for our sick society.  It's clearly Jedward's fault!

The third member of Bad Boy Inc. came from left field.  Bobby the Plank sat around for a few days looking vacant and pretty until he was nominated for eviction by Kerry during the live eviction show.  Spurred into action by the gruesome gurner, he transformed himself into Lord Voldermort and started spitting venom and practising the Dark Arts on his shocked housemates.  At last.  Someone was saying what we all thought about the residents of the house.
Events came to a head during the Oz task when evil Bobby gave Darryn a sweat smoothie.  Oh how we gagged.  There was a national outcry that knocked Libya off the front pages of the tabloids.  Now I know this was a sick prank but Darryn is a parasite who lives off the life blood of the rich, famous and not so famous.   I'm sure it's not the first time he's enjoyed the taste of Z list sweat.

I think Mumbles the Man Cub wants us to think he's a bad boy but so far there's no substance.  He's just a candy floss.  Looks nice but after a few minutes you're left with a wooden stick and toothache.  He's so desperate to please and changes allegiances every 5 minutes like a school kid who can't make up his mind which gang are the cool dudes.

The only real bad boy in the house is the one who doesn't need to try.  Paddy is the Daddy.  A real man's man who doesn't need to bitch and bully to gain respect or attention.  He just IS a man.  Woman love him and other men want to be him.  I still can't understand half of what he says but that doesn't matter.  He's still got more allure than the other males in the house.

So Sally Bigcow got the heave on Friday and I for one wasn't sorry to see the back of her.  She clearly had the hots for Paddy but spent most of her time in there scowling and bitching at Pamela.

I've picked on the boys this week because the girls in the house are just a bit dull so far.

Amy Childs is a big disappointment.  She just waddles around the house like a duck with Alzheimer's.

Tara Reid is so spaced out I think Big Brother ought to get the contents of her fag packets analysed.  She did manage to come up with the quote of the week though when she told Jedward that they could become as rich and famous as Michael Jackson with the right management.  Could Louis Walsh's days be numbered?

I'm quite liking Pamela.  Not because I think she's a great character.  I just feel sorry for the way she's being picked on by the other housemates.  Maybe they all find nice a bit threatening.

And that leaves Kerry Katona.  Yes let's just leave her eh!