Child's Play 2

Thoughts of ‘what’s her face’ and that wet blonde are long gone and we started this week with sexy Stu trying to ward off the advances of a frighteningly horny Sylvia. He’s a strange one this Stu. Looks like someone stuck Bambi’s head on a Heat magazine Torso of the Week.

In between stealing cookies and bitching about Mo, Sylvia slithered around an increasingly nervous Stuart. She used all of her feminine wiles to manoeuvre herself into his space and into his bed but you could tell Stu wasn’t feeling it. God knows how she didn’t read his body language. There was more cold shoulder than you’d find at Morrison’s Deli counter.

Luke is really grating on me now. That camp and deliberate way he has of speaking reminds me of this annoying kid who was in my class at school. He was always sucking up to the teachers and inevitably landed up with his head being held down the toilet most lunch breaks.

Luke is a clever game player. He flits from one group to the other spreading gossip and planting doubt. Darnell has his number though and rendered Luke speechless when he suggested that he was playing a good game. The case of the missing custard creams didn’t really change my view of Luke. His whole performance during that silly episode was contrived and I was really hoping that one of the housemates would shove his head down the pan to shut the little twerp up. Justin Timberlake, my arse!

Mikey made some blinding faux pas this week. First of all he was caught cleaning his dirty winkle in a tumbler. The luxury girls were horrified that they might have used the glass. Huh! I bet if it had been Dale, the girls would have been queuing up to help and only too pleased to get their lips round his dirty winkle.

Mikey’s second slip was his stand up comedy routine. It involved bestiality and squirty cream and silenced the house for the first time in 3 weeks! I don’t think we’ll be seeing Mikey developing a career in after dinner speeches for corporate events.

I’m really warming to Mario & Lisa. During the video task Mario suggested that Lisa should be the stylist and makeup artist! Was he deliberately trying to fail the task? That would be like putting Shane McGowan in a Colgate advert. His Sex, Drugs & Sausage Rolls T shirt will be selling like hot cakes in Blackpool over the summer. You mark my words.

Dim Dale has been very moody this week. He’s feeling very insecure about his looks since Stu arrived and has spent most of the week with his top off and wearing mascara. He was fishing for compliments all over the place and eventually got some fine praise for his pec appeal from………..Luke.

Picturegate was another one of those Big Brother fracas that start over something of nothing and escalate quickly into something like a pile up on the M25.

Jen’s attention seeking hysteria over some pizza sauce on her daft painting went to epic heights. This was despite naughty Rex apologising about 100 times for this act of gross misconduct. You’d think he’d drawn a moustache on the Mona Lisa the way they all carried on. In fact at one point Jen made a very good point when she said to Rex that he wouldn’t have done it to a Monét. Quite.

All the luxury crew gathered as the storm developed. Dennis was bereft. Sat on the bed with his head in his hands like he was Mary Magdelene at the foot of the cross.

The wailing continued at which point the topless twinky boys finally perked up and decided to throw their taught muscles around and demanded Rex apologise some more to the broken hearted babe in the other room. Rex and Mo sighed and ambled off to see what all the fuss was about.

With Jen still in floods a cider-crazed Becs rounded on Mo and in a flash it turned nasty. Dennis sprang up from the bed looking like an evil Chucky doll and spat in Mo’s face. You could say it was a spit that ended the spat. Immediately BB called Dennis to the Diary Room and the next day he was sent packing with talk of a Police investigation.

Dale was almost the next one out the back door when he accused Mo of squaring up to Becs. Listen matey. The only thing square in that room on Thursday was Bec’s jaw!

As predicted the snidey Sylvia got the boot on Friday with 90% of the votes. Off she went in what looked like a parachute under a sequined vest. I wonder if they’ll replace Dennis with a fit bird. If not, the lads will need a lot more cider in the shopping to make Bec’s look more alluring.

She's just a Devil Woman...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!

That's better. I've been so stressed this week watching the Waddon Witch that I think I've developed peptic ulcer! How the hell did the BB producers actually manage to find someone worse than Charley? What the hell is wrong with these South London girls and what gives them such an attitude and misguided self assurance? Any road up. More about her later…….unfortunately.

It's not all been aggression this week. We've had budding romance and sleeze. The latter, coming from oily Mario and his statuesque, lycra-clad lover. The pair of them were all over each other all week. It was like watching Jerry 'The King' Lawler wrestling Jeff Hardy on Monday Night Raw. They nearly did come to blows at one point when Mario passed a rather rude comment about Lisa's makeup. Mind you she did look she'd just eaten a cow pat at the time. Someone had to say something.

I know everyone hates Mario but I have to say I've taken a shine to this David Brent on steroids. He's so vain and a bit pervy with it. When he told Lisa he wanted to dip his custard cream in some hot juicy tea you just knew he wasn't talking PG Tips. He's a class housemate. I hope he doesn't get booted next week.

A brooding sexual chemistry developed between Jen & Dale, the house chipmunks. Just like their Disney counterparts one of them is the bossy, serious one and the other is a bit dim. I let you make your own mind up about which one is which. Suffice to say that Dale's input to the discussion about beauty being skin deep was - "If you're attractive and you're a ****, you might as well have no face".

That Mikey's been upsetting Sylvia again. First he sneezed and dropped his snotty tissue into the crisps during the task. Ok I know that's a bit unhealthy but the poor lad can't see where his bogeys are flying. 24 hours later he'd upset her again by asking her to keep the noise down in the bedroom.

Talking of noise. The Karaoke marathon was very funny. Rex just didn't seem to care. Dennis thought he was Bonnie Tyler. Well, Bonnie Tyler with a wobbly 12-pack. Sylvia's efforts were the most bizarre. Why was she singing Total Eclipse of the Heart with a fake Jamaican accent? It was like she was doing the Ragga dancehall version but she sounded more like Zig and Zag.

Mikey wasn't the only one in trouble this week. Poor Becs was so excited when the luxury food arrived. Her happiness was short lived though. In her eagerness to get stuck into the shopping she picked up the 'Go To Jail' card and had to spend the rest of the afternoon behind bars looking like a bored panda wearing Bet Lynch's earings.

Back to the bitch then. I'm appalled to think that Alex is in my Hood. If I ever bump into her in Sainsburys I'm gonna deck her with a bag of BBQ charcoal. Trust me. This woman will never be ready. Memba a told you that. Memba a told you. Pow, pow, pow, pow. Idiot. Thank God she's gone. My blood pressure has come down and I did a normal poo this morning for the first time in 10 days. I'm as relaxed as her hair now.

We finished last night with a new housemate called Stuart. Jen and Sylvia were all over him like they'd just come into season. The others were more cautious and a bit suspicious of him. I have to admit that I am too. He looks like a bearded lady. He's obviously had makeup tips from Jodie Marsh

To Have and to Hold

Still missing Dermy but have to admit I'm warming to George and his Mallen streak. So far we've only glimpsed a bronzed ankle but I'm sure we'll have the pleasure of his muscley thighs soon. I keep emailing the production team so fingers crossed.

The fake wedding this week was genius. Mario, the Warrington Legend, joined in matrimony with sulky Steph whilst his orange partner looked on with a face tighter than Danni Minogue's forehead. After days of 'will they or won't they' the ceremony went ahead as planned and was only interrupted momentarily when the sour faced Alex got up and said she thought the whole thing was a sham. Across the land you could hear cries of 'Sit down and shut up you muppet'.

The happy couple's joy was short lived as a sneaky BB promptly told the housemates that there was a genuine couple in the house and at that point it dawned on everyone that the only possible choice was Mario & Lisa. They came from the same place, were the same age and their bodies were similar in size and colour. Lisa has bigger ears and broader shoulders but that wasn't enough to put the HM's off the scent. Rumbled!

Dale had his mono-brow plucked by the lovely but dour Geordie Jen. You could tell there's something stirring with this pair as they eyed each other over the spaghetti like a Chav version of Lady & the Tramp.

Alex, the Waddon Witch spat lazy insults at everyone all week. No one was safe except for her flying monkeys, Sylvia and Dennis, who she sends out to spread rumours and fuel paranoia across the house. Her rages this week were over a violated lighter, a damp thong and some spoiled chips. Here's a woman who truly knows her petty self. I bet the clipboards at Channel 4 Towers are snapping away to find ways and means to save the vile, volatile creature from eviction for a few weeks. Alex is this year's Channel 4 Cash Cow. Remember I told you!

The highlight for me this week was the electric shock task. When Jen appealed to Dennis and Rachel to stop because there were people in tears she wasn't joking. I was crying with laughter at the jolting jessies everytime their bums were zapped.

When Kat went to the Diary Room to appeal to Big Brother for some relief, I was laughing so much I coughed up a bit of beetroot from earlier. Crying her little eyes out in that shiny red lycra suit she looked like the Diary Room had just given birth. Kat is my early favoutrite. What's not to like about a Cookie Queen who likes boy sausage. HIRRRARRRIOUS.

Have you noticed how intolerant this lot are to alcohol. After a couple of glasses of watered down WKD and they were all falling over and unable to string a sentence together. Sylvia was a particualr stand out as she wobbled round the decking like Kelly Rowland staggering home after a bitch fight with Beyoncé.

To be honest I wasn't that fussed about losing Steph on Friday. I barely understood a word she said while she was in there. It wasn't so much the Scouse accent but the fact that she sounded like she was chewing a tampon when she spoke.We always lose a girl in Week 1. I'm just not sure we lost the right one this year.

Sweet Sixteen

The first couple into the house are a couple! Yes, Sylvester Stallone's older brother and his sunbed princess are BB UK's first real life couple to enter the house. I wonder what odds I'd get at Paddy Power for them to be single before September?

I spent the first half hour thinking Mario looked very familiar before the penny dropped. He's already appeared on a lesser reality show featuring petty criminals being banged up in America's toughest jail. He obviously enjoys being incarcerated with n'er do wells.

I always thought that people who worked at British wrestling shows were a bit odd. Like the boy at school who ate his lunch behind the science block and smelled of frog spawn. However Luke seems quite sweet but I nearly choked on a spring onion when he said people think he's gay. Sorry my new summer friend, but your complete lack of fashion sense belies your gayness. I've seen bingo callers with more style.

Time for some vacuous totty next and BB delivered once again. Steph is a Scouse hotty who was a Girls Aloud reject. Big lips and stick legs. Heat magazine will devour her. Stephanie must have been looking forward to a Summer time of love with boys, boys, boys. Instead Big Brother has paired her off with oily Mario and they're to be married on Sunday round the pool. I wonder if Lisa will catch the bouquet. Where's the honeymoon? Steph didn't look best pleased at the thought of getting lumbered with the greasy lump.

Tiny Rachel was up next. Apparently she has two Yorkshire Terriers at home. The way she was yack, yack, yacking I reckon she's been spending too much time in their company. Davina said Rachel's half the size she was a year ago. Give her a couple more and she'll be sharing a basket with her Yorkie mates at that rate.

Next to leap out of the A Team van was Jamie Maguire off Shameless. A real player by all accounts. You could tell. He was already halfway out of his pants before he got into the house. I have to admit that I drooled a bit at his intro.

Sylvia with sexy eyes slinked up the stairs next. Not sure the combination of purple dress, big orange flower and cow print stilettos was a good choice to be honest. Stick an Afro on her and she could have been Norwood's answer to Crystal Tips.

WOW! Fabulous dancing Dennis erupted out of the van like a chubby Liza Minelli, only more feminine. Shaking his tush and moulting sequins en-route, he was totally oblivious to the jeering crowd. Dennis was doing his own amateur night version of A Chorus Line and no one was gonna rain on his parade.

I'm not sure what the crowd made of Michael. Should we cheer or jeer a blind, Scottish, transvestite wearing an Ikea rug? It's a dilemma that not many of us have prepared for.

A sour faced harridan from Croydon appeared next, in a purple nightie. She reminded me of surly Dawn from BB7. You know. The one who smelled and got flung out for cheating. I bet this one will be shaking her hair extensions at some poor bugger by the end of the weekend. I'm sure I've seen her before. I think it was at Primark Customer Services. She was shouting at a small Pole and waving a £2 bikini around.

Rex next and proof that not all gingers are mingers. His gay Dad has obviously taught him well, but he lost points for wearing roasting tins on his feet. He wants to be a professional bully. Not in those shoes mate.

Then came a Toy Demonstrator from Somalia. What the fuck is one of them. He seems like a nice lad. The last time we had a war zone refugee in the house it all ended in plate smashing when Ahmed freaked. Mohammed looks more stable, sadly.

If you thought the Twins from last year were incomprehensible then take a look at Becs. I've watched her VT six times now and can only make out the words - boys, drunk and stupid. She has an interesting wide face. A bit like Nadia, if Nadia looked like a girl.

Highlight of the night for me was Darnell. He's the mad monk from The DaVinci Code! He seems to suffer from the same problem as Rebecca. The housemates tried for ages to catch his name. They called him Daniel, they called him Donald. "That's not my name, that's not my name". They gave up in the end and just smiled at him. Not even an albino in slippers phased this lot.

The obligatory mouthy Geordie was up next. Well there's always one. Imagine Cheryl Cole with a receding hairline. That's our Jennifer.

The final housemate to enter the house this year was like a Thai version of Jimmy Krankie, wearing gold diving boots and pink plastic pants. I hope Big Brother doesn't give her any ping pong balls!

What a motley crew and don't we just bloody love it. I'm hooked already and fell asleep on the sofa last night watching some people sitting in a giant white ashtray

Premature Speculation

I just love the weeks leading up to Big Brother. My annual TV addiction is always preceded by weeks of rumour and speculation surrounding the show. I’m so happy to say that 2008 is no different and breathed a sigh of relief to hear that Davina is definitely not planning to do Hedda Gabler at the Old Vic after she’s seen off this year’s hopeful and hapless housemates.

There’s been lots of web inches about who would be replacing Dermot on BBLB. I even started one rumour myself on a well known internet forum. I almost had them convinced that The Krankies were in the frame this year. I say almost because just as people were beginning to think that it really wasn’t that far fetched, Jimmy Krankie turned up on Alan Titchmarsh in a neck brace announcing her retirement. Scuppered!

We waved goodbye to Dermy after Celebrity Big Brother and now we say hello to E4 musos George Lamb and Zezi Ifore. This duo are very cool but I’m sure it won’t be long before George is sitting in a paddling pool in tight trunks and Zezi is road testing hair straighteners from the ice cream van.

Haven’t seen any leaks about potential hosts for Big Mouth. Matt & James were my favourites last year. I’d like to see Ian Lee have a go this year. The gangly geek would be a perfect host to keep that noisy rabble under control. I was like a rabbit caught in headlights when I was there. I reckon cage fighting would be less scary.

The strangest rumour I’ve heard this year started off with the tabloids speculating about a tiny bed going into the house. This exploded into an elaborate and exotic tale of belly dancing midgets and a glamorous ex housemate. Wouldn’t it be great if this one was true. We could add ‘smallest winner’ to our list of firsts.

The new eye looks a bit evil and there’s talk of the housemates having an unpleasant summer this year. Maybe they’re bringing back Charley & Carol!

My new mates V+ and Catch Up TV should help me see some sunshine and get a reasonable amount of sleep during Big Brother 2008. Last year I ended the summer looking like Pete Docherty playing Jacob Marley in panto!