Child's Play 2

Thoughts of ‘what’s her face’ and that wet blonde are long gone and we started this week with sexy Stu trying to ward off the advances of a frighteningly horny Sylvia. He’s a strange one this Stu. Looks like someone stuck Bambi’s head on a Heat magazine Torso of the Week.

In between stealing cookies and bitching about Mo, Sylvia slithered around an increasingly nervous Stuart. She used all of her feminine wiles to manoeuvre herself into his space and into his bed but you could tell Stu wasn’t feeling it. God knows how she didn’t read his body language. There was more cold shoulder than you’d find at Morrison’s Deli counter.

Luke is really grating on me now. That camp and deliberate way he has of speaking reminds me of this annoying kid who was in my class at school. He was always sucking up to the teachers and inevitably landed up with his head being held down the toilet most lunch breaks.

Luke is a clever game player. He flits from one group to the other spreading gossip and planting doubt. Darnell has his number though and rendered Luke speechless when he suggested that he was playing a good game. The case of the missing custard creams didn’t really change my view of Luke. His whole performance during that silly episode was contrived and I was really hoping that one of the housemates would shove his head down the pan to shut the little twerp up. Justin Timberlake, my arse!

Mikey made some blinding faux pas this week. First of all he was caught cleaning his dirty winkle in a tumbler. The luxury girls were horrified that they might have used the glass. Huh! I bet if it had been Dale, the girls would have been queuing up to help and only too pleased to get their lips round his dirty winkle.

Mikey’s second slip was his stand up comedy routine. It involved bestiality and squirty cream and silenced the house for the first time in 3 weeks! I don’t think we’ll be seeing Mikey developing a career in after dinner speeches for corporate events.

I’m really warming to Mario & Lisa. During the video task Mario suggested that Lisa should be the stylist and makeup artist! Was he deliberately trying to fail the task? That would be like putting Shane McGowan in a Colgate advert. His Sex, Drugs & Sausage Rolls T shirt will be selling like hot cakes in Blackpool over the summer. You mark my words.

Dim Dale has been very moody this week. He’s feeling very insecure about his looks since Stu arrived and has spent most of the week with his top off and wearing mascara. He was fishing for compliments all over the place and eventually got some fine praise for his pec appeal from………..Luke.

Picturegate was another one of those Big Brother fracas that start over something of nothing and escalate quickly into something like a pile up on the M25.

Jen’s attention seeking hysteria over some pizza sauce on her daft painting went to epic heights. This was despite naughty Rex apologising about 100 times for this act of gross misconduct. You’d think he’d drawn a moustache on the Mona Lisa the way they all carried on. In fact at one point Jen made a very good point when she said to Rex that he wouldn’t have done it to a Monét. Quite.

All the luxury crew gathered as the storm developed. Dennis was bereft. Sat on the bed with his head in his hands like he was Mary Magdelene at the foot of the cross.

The wailing continued at which point the topless twinky boys finally perked up and decided to throw their taught muscles around and demanded Rex apologise some more to the broken hearted babe in the other room. Rex and Mo sighed and ambled off to see what all the fuss was about.

With Jen still in floods a cider-crazed Becs rounded on Mo and in a flash it turned nasty. Dennis sprang up from the bed looking like an evil Chucky doll and spat in Mo’s face. You could say it was a spit that ended the spat. Immediately BB called Dennis to the Diary Room and the next day he was sent packing with talk of a Police investigation.

Dale was almost the next one out the back door when he accused Mo of squaring up to Becs. Listen matey. The only thing square in that room on Thursday was Bec’s jaw!

As predicted the snidey Sylvia got the boot on Friday with 90% of the votes. Off she went in what looked like a parachute under a sequined vest. I wonder if they’ll replace Dennis with a fit bird. If not, the lads will need a lot more cider in the shopping to make Bec’s look more alluring.