Viva Las Lisa!

Well did Rex’s surly demeanour sweeten once Nic the Nag left the house? Like hell it did. The small, ginger cook sunk to new depths this week with his attacks on the female members of the house. Only scary Lisa escaped the bullying and I suspect that’s because he’s intimidated by her huge biceps, unruly breasts and psychic stare. The sight of Lisa bouncing on the trampoline in a crop top is enough to make any man’s blood run cold. The Army should sign her up and send her to Afghanistan. Lisa Appleton, Woman of Mass Destruction!

At last we got a task that greedy Mo could get his teeth into. Eating a vat of spaghetti in 2 hours was a task made in heaven for Mo, or so you’d have thought. Perhaps he’d been snacking again but not even the human waste disposal unit was able to get the housemates even close to completing the task. After struggling with the pasta the lads decided to do a bit of exercise to help their digestion. Unfortunately their game of sanitary towel football ended swiftly when poor Mikey got it in the neck whilst happily splashing around in the pool. I hope that red mark on his neck was bruising!

The Las Vegas task was fun. Was that Tinky Winky making a guest appearance at the show? No it was just Kat in purple lycra struggling with her boxes. Of course they saved the best for last. Don’t go breaking my heart was a fabulous train wreck. Mikey ripped his way through some of the lyrics looking like Catherine Tate after a night out at Jumping Jacks and 15 Bacardi Breezers.

Later that night we had the Live Show and Davina wearing a Teflon tablecloth. The face to face nominations didn’t really freak the housemates and they took it all in their stride. Some of them were a bit more put out when they realized they’d just handed Lisa and Sara £25k each. Suckered!

Lisa’s had a few climaxes this week! The first started as she was telling the housemates how she met Mario in a car park after buying a crystal ball from him off E-bay, like Brief Encounter for the dogging generation. Right on cue, Mario appeared in the garden wearing an ill-fitting dinner suit and a cheap plastic rose, to propose to his workout buddy. Of course she said yes and they spent a couple of minutes licking the window to seal the deal.

Rex is obviously going for the female vote next week. He’s been topless for most of it even although the weather has been like November in Dundee. Not a very clever move matey. Look what happened to the other beefcake. Beefcake? Rex is more like a little ginger snap.

The other problem with his strategy is the way freckly Rexy has been behaving towards Kat, Rachel and particularly Sara, this week. He’s been rude and insulting to all of them in varying degrees. His treatment of Sara became very uncomfortable to watch as he ground her down and encouraged Darnell & Mo to upset her at every opportunity. I can’t imagine his bullying and arrogance would endear him to any female with an ounce of sense. However Jeremy Kyle still manages to find a regular supply of sad, scared women locked into unhealthy relationships with arrogant control freaks like him. No matter what these men do they all just land up saying ‘but I love him’.

If Rex was the gang leader it was his self abusing sidekick that took things to an even lower level. Darnell’s cruel attack on the poor Aussie was revolting. He later claimed that the words weren’t directed at her personally but to all women. No wonder he’s a virgin. The only thing that made me laugh during this whole sorry episode was when Mikey observed that Darnell was a psychiatrist’s wet dream. I think he’s an incoherent, wanker but I bow to Mikey’s genius. Darnell says so much and yet says so little. I swear I can’t understand what the hell he’s going on about during his paranoid rants.

Thankfully Big Brother took exception to the way Sara was being bullied and told both of them that their behaviour was being monitored. Darnell plunged into further despair and flopped around the house saying ‘shit’ all the time. Rex offered Sara a cigarette and shook hands with arch nemesis Mikey. Which one do you think was considering his game plan? Don’t get me wrong. I think every house needs a JR Ewing. I just think this JR just shot himself.

I’m not sure why Sara deserved such a verbal kicking? OK there’s that voice. I’m a huge fan of Kath & Kim but didn’t actually think real people spoke like that until Sara moved into the house.

Lisa’s final climax was the fantastic reception she got from the crowd after being evicted in a very tight vote. The vote couldn’t have been any tighter than the top she was wearing as she bounded down the stairs towards the crowd like 2 kids fighting in a Turkish rug. Once she was in the studio she was like a rabbit in the headlights. Her blank expression at some of Davina’s questions was like she was being interrogated by the Portuguese CID.

Mario turned up again to meet his sturdy spouse. I’m guessing he had a contract with OK Magazine stuffed in his back pocket. I wonder how long it will be before we get exclusive pictures of the happy couple on a tropical island exfoliating their thighs? And why not :-)