Fair Game

Dear Friends

I was determined to be less harsh on the contestants this year. After all it's the last time we'll be able to enjoy these deluded creatures on our screens for the summer. However, if you're brave enough or stupid enough to put yourself up for the Big Brother experience then in my book that makes you fair game.

The launch show was fantastic. After all these years I was still like a kid waiting for Santa to arrive as the clock ticked closer to 21.00

Davina looked divine. The new house was spectacular. The best yet I think. I even loved the new title sequence. Good job Channel 4!

Davina sparkled and beamed amongst a right mixed bag of potential desperate housemates. I've not seen so many tacky outfits and fake tan since last year's Brighton Pride Parade.

Not sure the 'It's YOU' selection process really worked but then who cares. Minor quibble. The night was really all about first impressions of the final bunch.

Josie

A Bristol traveller with bingo wings and roots. To be fair, she'd made an effort. She was wearing a long floaty girly dress but as soon as her name was called she was screeching and thrusting her hips like a fox on the pull. About as sophisticated as a Nando's steak roll, but I think I love her already.

Steve

Put Davina McCaw on his shoulder and he's a dead ringer for that scary bloke from Pirates of the Caribbean. Seems like a nice guy but can't help thinking he's this year's token disability i.e. dead cert to get to the final. Hope they've got some Hammerite Rust Dip on the shopping list to help him through our British Summer.

Ben

A stiff stringy nancy boy with a fetish for shop dummies and really bad bed hair.

Rachael

Bootyless bedsit Beyonce. I thought she'd fallen down the stairs when she screamed as she walked through the doors. Go on. Watch it again on V+/Sky+ and you'll see what I mean.

Nathan

Cheery, chippy chappie with eyebrows like 2 squirrels necking.

Dave

A bible bashing Welsh Quasimodo who looks like Nancy Lam playing Friar Tuck in Babes in the Wood. I know I'm going to hate him. That annoying laugh will be haunting us for weeks. People who laugh with their teeth jutting out make me a bit bilious. I bet he doesn't floss.

Caiomhe

Noisy Irish stick who used to be a frizzy hirsute nerd. Maybe she'll give Nathan some depilation tips. Just what we wanted. Another bloody Dublin Diva.

Govan

Seems like a nice boy.......with a big willy.

Shabby

Squat lazy lezzer squatter. Try saying that after a bottle of Jacob's Creek! Says she's into anal bleaching. I'd say it's not just her back passage that needs a good spring clean.

Ife

Iffy dancer from Milton Keynes. She's my tip to be out first.

John

Now you're talking! G'day mate! A handsome Aussie surfer dude with messy golden hair, Pacific blue eyes and limited vocabulary. Like someone who only failed the job interview at Abercrombie & Fitch because he couldn't work the till.

Sunshine

Spoilt vegan medical student. Why has she gone in the house if she enjoys intelligent conversations? Gets my vote as the most irritating housemate already.

Corin

Gobby shop assistant with unruly tits. Jordan is obviously her role model but she's more like another of Shadrach Dingle's long lost daughters. Chesty Dingle anyone?

Mario

Up last was Mario the Mole. Nice hair. Nice shoes. Nice jacket. I bet he was gutted at having to enter the house in a boiler suit with a fluffy condom on his nose. I think I quite like Mario. I hope his impossible task hasn't guaranteed his exit.

The highlights of the evening for me were:

Davina's script 'Who's next to enter Big Brother's ring'

The wonderful Tree of Temptation. Back as a small chest of drawers. Genius!

Got my Live Feed Season Pass sorted and V+ is all programmed to record every moment.

Yours sincerely

Pig in sh*t :-)