It's Raining Men

Seány isn’t the best person to be employed as the house usher. He greeted Billi by bouncing around on the sofas shouting ‘It’s a gay, it’s gay’ like a plane had just landed on Fantasy Island. Jonathan didn’t do much better as our Irish doorman declared him an old person and propelled him into Carole’s ample chest.

Hunky Liam had the twins a quiver and Charley caught Brian in a flying body scissors and nearly popped out his ultra blue contact lenses. Maybe these boys would improve the demeanor of the surly shrews.

The four new lads had to sing for their supper and gave us a rather subdued YMCA. Liam looked more like Deputy Dawg than a 70’s cop and you would have been hard pressed to tell if the Indian was Jonathan or Carole. I’m convinced there’s a Surprise Surprise moment in store for that pair. I bet Cilla’s staking them out from the camera runs.

Charley’s insecurities have come out like a raging yeast infection since Shabs left. She’s wandering about the place trying to appear interesting to anyone who’ll listen. The extent of her appeal seems limited to the fact that she’s got more shoes than anyone else and wears the shortest skirts. Charley tried to bury the hatchet with Ziggy & Chanelle and vowed not to get involved in any more arguments. 12 minutes later she was screaming at Laura over the hair straighteners. I’m not being funny but is it safe to use a hot iron on a nylon shag pile.

Truth or dare turned into the usual tonsil tickling. The gay kiss was like watching a starving baby hippo suckling on its mother. I was waiting for David Attenborough to appear from behind the sofa in a Blue Harbour khaki suit.

The swimming task was classic Big Brother and I can’t believe they passed. Carole bounced around like an Edwardian bathing belle on a Bank Holiday at Skegness. Every time Laura grabbed the megaphone I was reaching for the mute button. She was supposed to encourage the swimmers not warn them about approaching fog. Tracey in a Souwester was really unnerving. I kept expecting her to whip out a huge fish hook and disembowel the twins when the others weren't looking.

At one point I thought Charley was having a rest until I put my specs on and realised it was some plastic fish bones floating by the steps. She’d already given up and was shedding her extensions in the bathroom.

Gerry has become about as welcome as audience participation at a Pavarotti concert this week. First he upset Chanelle by saying she was unfit. Unfit translated into beached whale for Chanelle and not even Ziggy’s calming Sir Cliff tones could console her.

Nicky and Carole somehow got the wrong end of Gerry’s stick too and went round and round in circles for the next 24 hours with nothing being resolved because of their lacking in the listening department.

The Wednesday Twist saw £100,000 up for grabs but Carole was too busy fretting about her smelly towel to be bothered. When Liam heard they’d chosen him to get the cash he went even more blank faced than normal before collapsing onto the floor in a flood of manly tears.

Now I’m not saying the girls in there are shallow but suddenly they’re flirting and fussing with Liam. It reached a peak, well 2 squashed peaks actually, when Charley appeared wearing a satisfied grin and an elastic band nearly, almost covering her tits.Chanelle & Carole fell out over a fingered sandwich.

Much to my surprised it was Charley who turned peacemaker. Her take on the incident was - “You thought someone was something because something had been said.” Well now we know!