Gone With the Wind

This year the X Factor is turning into a parody of itself with contestants progressing through the rounds on the back of their chequered pasts or dead relatives. Last week I was expecting to see VT of Daniel’s cancer stricken wife on the backdrop as he tugged at every emotion to make a syrupy slide into this week’s show.

Rachel, the ex-con, started the show this week and promptly fell off a sparkly moon and forgot her words. She was truly lost in music and wearing what looked like a Quality Street wrapper. She had so much black eye makeup on I think someone must have told her it was a Halloween show. I hope her 8 kids were tucked up in bed and didn’t have to witness this gruesome sight. They’d have nightmares for weeks.

Anxious Austin was up next. He delivered a rather lack lustre version of Wishing on a Star. I had a feeling he’d be wishing he’d chosen a different song by the end of the night. The poor little mite has about as much charisma as a meal worm and it was almost impossible to notice him amongst a sea of tossing hair and see-through nighties.

I was dead worried about Diana tackling Disco but she belted her little heart out and won everyone over despite being surrounded by the clumsiest roller skating I’ve ever seen since Frank Spencer at the Pickets Lock Leisure Centre.

Daniel was as embarrassing as I expected him to be. Grinning through a spare set of Simon Cowell’s teeth he gave us a very awkward rendition of Don’t Leave Me This Way. Was this another subliminal reference to his deceased wife? I was half expecting Heaven Must be Missing and Angel. What will it be next week? She’s Gone, Missing You, Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now?

I can’t decide if I like Laura or not. She gave a very powerful performance. Somebody Else’s guy is a very difficult song to sing. I think it’s the forced, Winehouse twangs that put me her. Or maybe it’s the revelations last week that she’s shagging one of the show’s producers that are not endearing me to her ample charms.

Could it be Magic is a camp classic. Barry Manilow, Donna Summer and Take That have all done iconic versions. Eoghan, the Cabbage Patch kid from Norn Iron, turned it into something that was more Church Hall Amateur Night than High School Musical. Bloody awful.

It was Donna Summer again when Ruth attacked Enough is Enough like a bunny boiler with PMT. Simon looked genuinely scared and turned on in equal measures.

Alexandra and her topless dancers set pulses racing. I bet Louis’ palms were sweating more than the eight pefect pecs as she groped and stroked her way around another Donna Summer stomper. Louis always looks a bit unkempt and smelly to me. I could imagine him in a fluorescent safety jacket checking tickets on the Croydon trams.

I really want to like JLS but this colour co-ordinated thing they have going on is so naff. There is something really un-cool about them. Especially the red one! I see they had their tops off in HEAT this week so no doubt that will save them for another couple of weeks.

Fast forward an hour and I wasn’t entirely surprised that Austin and Rachel were in the bottom two. Rachel shouted her way through No Drama without her shoes. I’m not sure what statement it was supposed to make but it looked like someone was spraying the stage with Fabreeze during her performance.

Austin seemed to crumble under the pressure and the inevitable happened. The tiny, tearful one was gone and everyone looked very upset. Well everyone apart from Simon who just shrugged his shoulders and buggered off to find his limo like a modern day Rhett Butler. Frankly my dears he don’t give a damn!