Brian Dowling eased out of a big black and pink sphincter gripping his 10" of equipment.
No it wasn't some Afro-Irish gay porn film. It was the opening of Celebrity Big Brother 2011 on Channel 5.
Brian done good. I wasn't sure at first but he's so part of the show that he doesn't look out of place and he was probably the only person who could fill Davina's Louboutin's.
Reality whore Kerry Katona took pole position like the wicked fairy at a gypsy wedding. The housemate most likely to cry every day for the next 3 weeks and treat us to a live nervous breakdown. Kerry always makes me think of the girl that used to play reggae records on the Waltzers at the Gyle Fair in Edinburgh.
Tara Reid is honeymooning in the Big Brother house without her new husband. That doesn't sound like a good start to a marriage but then marriage in Hollywood is more about building your star power than loving relationships. Paris Hilton's mate didn't seem to know where she was or indeed what the show was all about. It was like she'd been kidnapped and then pushed out on to the runway in a black bin bag. I wonder if they do drug tests before they let them in?
Paddy the bare knuckle fighting traveller was housemate number 3. He's quite handsome in a beat up kinda way. Like an old leather suitcase. He'll have all the WOMAN of the house cooking and cleaning for him by the weekend if any of them manage to understand a word he's saying. Thank God for my TiVo remote subtitle button. He looks like he's already eyeing up the metal house fittings and appliances. They better check his suitcase when he leaves.
Amy Childs was next - Jordan with hamster cheeks. I loved Amy on TOWIE but I can't believe she's really that thick. Will the mask slip? Time will tell I guess. No doubt she's packed her Vajazzle kit. Wonder who'll be first to get their pubes out?
Oh God it's Darren 'Mr Paparazzi' Lyons. A ridiculous Aussie twat with the floor sweepings from a chicken abatoir stuck to his head. Stupid hair. Stupid outfit. He looked like a Ferrero Rocher. I hope they have a boxing task and put him in the ring with Paddy. I'm sure he's Russell's Grant's evil twin! No nekkid Vajazzle please.
Another random. Sally Alcoholic is the gobby wife of some bloke who shouts at noisy MPs. She looks like a bitch who'll probably be the first to walk.
Lucien was milking it a bit. Cute Mummy's boy but like a rabbit in the headlights. Likely to become the house pet.
Next up was Britney Spears' granny on stilts. Well actually it was Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff-Trailer-Trash. A real beauty in her day but HDTV is not going to be her friend. Bloody feathers again and an outfit from the Primark sale rack. She'd obviously knocked back a few Jack Daniels on the bus to Borehamwood. Poor Brian struggled to control the over excited Mid West MILF. He finally managed to shove her up the stairs as yet another advert break loomed.
I know Channel 5 need to get mega-revenue to pay for all this but easy on the breaks guys.
Then came posh Bobby floppy hair. Scruffy hunk with cheekbones and a 5 o'clock shadow on a single chin that George Michael would kill for.
Finally, Jedward tumbled on to the stage like 2 pyjama cases filled with kittens. Please drown them in the pool. No really. PLEASE!
I'm hooked already. Loved the new set and the house looks great. Brian was fantastic in his first show.
Don't understand why people are moaning about the Celeb rating of the housemates. The reason the show is so good is that it's about people and how they react in this strange environment. You don't need 'A' listers for a great Celebrity Big Brother. It's the 'Z' lot that provide the best entertainment and we've got some great 'Z's with serious personality disorders. Bloody marvellous!
Happy as a pig in the proverbial.
p.s. Is Tara Reid still talking about that f'n door?
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