Sunday, 28 August 2011

Bad Boys Inc

OK so here's the thing.  We all love a bad boy but bad boys who are sexually arrogant and absorbed in their own macho cool.  So how come we get a Big Brother house full of immature, attention seekers with about as much machismo as litter of toy poodle puppies.

Darryn Lyons even has a poofy pink rinse in his ridiculous barnet and a lumpy stomach that could pass for a lactating bitch.  The awful Aussie has spent the last week attempting to cause divisions in the house and preying on the weaker members of the pack.  He fronts up like a rufty tufty XXXX Bush Man but all the bravado is just a cover for an insecure little spoilt brat, who's made a living out of other people's misery.

His parrot feathers were really ruffled this week when Sally branded him heartless in the Wizard of Oz task.  Knowing this could have an impact on his position in the house and in the eyes of the viewers, he went into damage limitation mode.  Given the choice of a slap up meal and a chat with his Macaw or providing his housemates with a Chinese Takeaway - guess which one he chose?  Was it really a selfless act or just a blatant vote catcher?  I might have given him the benefit of the doubt had he not spent the rest of the day making sure everyone knew what a good deed he'd done whilst wiping tears and silver make up from his fat cheeks.

And then we have the witless, effeminate twins.  This charmless duo are unable to stop performing to the cameras in their camp stage costumes.  This pair of namby-pamby brats have an unnatural and uncomfortable bond that makes them incapable of any sort of social awareness or interaction.  The sight of 2 grown men playing footsie with each other's dangly bits in the bath whilst grinning inanely was a disturbing insight into Planet Jedward.  Brings a whole new meaning to the term 'pleasuring yourself'.

What's really interesting is the reaction (or lack of) from the other housemates to their anti-social behaviour.  It  sums up this apathy we have at the moment to discipline unruly kids.  It might be understandable if they were 10 years old but these idiots are legally allowed to vote, drink, marry and have children of their own.  I think we should stop blaming the Police and the Government for our sick society.  It's clearly Jedward's fault!

The third member of Bad Boy Inc. came from left field.  Bobby the Plank sat around for a few days looking vacant and pretty until he was nominated for eviction by Kerry during the live eviction show.  Spurred into action by the gruesome gurner, he transformed himself into Lord Voldermort and started spitting venom and practising the Dark Arts on his shocked housemates.  At last.  Someone was saying what we all thought about the residents of the house.
Events came to a head during the Oz task when evil Bobby gave Darryn a sweat smoothie.  Oh how we gagged.  There was a national outcry that knocked Libya off the front pages of the tabloids.  Now I know this was a sick prank but Darryn is a parasite who lives off the life blood of the rich, famous and not so famous.   I'm sure it's not the first time he's enjoyed the taste of Z list sweat.

I think Mumbles the Man Cub wants us to think he's a bad boy but so far there's no substance.  He's just a candy floss.  Looks nice but after a few minutes you're left with a wooden stick and toothache.  He's so desperate to please and changes allegiances every 5 minutes like a school kid who can't make up his mind which gang are the cool dudes.

The only real bad boy in the house is the one who doesn't need to try.  Paddy is the Daddy.  A real man's man who doesn't need to bitch and bully to gain respect or attention.  He just IS a man.  Woman love him and other men want to be him.  I still can't understand half of what he says but that doesn't matter.  He's still got more allure than the other males in the house.

So Sally Bigcow got the heave on Friday and I for one wasn't sorry to see the back of her.  She clearly had the hots for Paddy but spent most of her time in there scowling and bitching at Pamela.

I've picked on the boys this week because the girls in the house are just a bit dull so far.

Amy Childs is a big disappointment.  She just waddles around the house like a duck with Alzheimer's.

Tara Reid is so spaced out I think Big Brother ought to get the contents of her fag packets analysed.  She did manage to come up with the quote of the week though when she told Jedward that they could become as rich and famous as Michael Jackson with the right management.  Could Louis Walsh's days be numbered?

I'm quite liking Pamela.  Not because I think she's a great character.  I just feel sorry for the way she's being picked on by the other housemates.  Maybe they all find nice a bit threatening.

And that leaves Kerry Katona.  Yes let's just leave her eh!

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