Saturday, 3 September 2011

The Borehamwood Riots

Just as the UK was recovering from the recent urban riots and the Notting Hill Carnival passed without incident, the Big Brother House became the latest victim of the messed up generation.  The Grimes Twins chased the rabbit into wonderland and trashed the house and the goodwill of their fellow inmates.

They decided to become punks for the day.  Punks?  Mincing around the house in leather waistcoats and Lycra leggings, they were more like pole dancers at G.A.Y.  Only slightly less cringe worthy than the previous day when they were crawling around the carpet in paper nappies and bonnets.  I'm surprised the tabloids didn't pick up on this disturbing sight.  I suppose they feared a Page 3 for Paedophiles backlash.

In typical British fashion the grown ups in the house either ignored or made excuses for their complete lack of respect and consideration for anyone or anything.  They just did because they can and sod the f'n consequences.  The housemates really struggled to hide their public anger about the destructive brats in case it would make them seem politically incorrect.  Some, like Boring Bob even faked his enjoyment of the whole fracas as though he thought by supporting these jerks it would somehow gain him kudos with the viewers.

It wasn't until Kerry, the Warrington fish wife, nearly took a nose dive on a soup slick in the kitchen that the true feelings emerged.  She wiped the floor with the immature brush heads as her tether ended and she went into Mimi Maguire mode.  Go Kerry!  She might be shameless and not have many/any talents but she certainly knows how to deal with unruly kids.  The Met Police ought to sign her up.

The gormless duo just stood there not knowing how to react to Kerry's tirade.  They're obviously not used to any form of discipline but the penny dropped eventually and the pansy punks went off with their limp tails between their legs and did something completely out of character.  They cleaned the kitchen.

The next uncomfortable watch was when the brats won the shopping task and ram raided the local branch of Lidls.  Seeing them clearing the shelves of bananas and bags of Haribo as they ran round the store grinning was like a rerun of the Croydon riots on Sky News.  It was in such bad taste, I was almost tempted to call OFCOM.

Some people say that Big Brother is trashy and irrelevant.  I say it's always been a mirror of our social values and behaviour, disguised as frothy fun.  Sometimes it's more shocking and thought provoking than the most credible documentaries.  It's not only a game show and that's why I think it's still drawing the crowds after a decade.

In other news.....

The porky Pap from Down Under continued to show a complete lack of self awareness by claiming that some people are trying to influence others in the house.  Pot (belly) calling the kettle black!

Kerry & Lucien have developed a very odd relationship.  It's like watching someone's Mum on a Hen Weekend in Magaluf .

Poor Paddy is losing the plot now.  Jedward, a horror movie and a plate of garlic finally pushed him over the edge and the former fighter was screaming for his Mammy.  The other housemates better be careful as he's snarling and snapping like a cornered dog now.  Can he hold it together for another week?  I hope not.

We lost another couple of girls this week.  Can't say I'll miss trippy Tara, but I was hoping to hear more of Pamela's fantastic/fantasy parties with our Royal Family.  The best story of the week was her tale about having a fag with Elton and Diana's Mum by the wheelie bins at Althorp House. Classy! You just couldn't make this stuff up.  We actually that's not true.  She probably did.

And finally.  The quote of the week came from the mildly more bearable twin.  After Big Brother gave the housemates back their hot water, Edward was really happy because 'cold water is like, really cold'.

Listen lads. Cold water is like something Jedward will never be.  Really Cool!

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