Saturday, 10 September 2011


I haven't even had time to blog about the Celebrity Big Brother Final, but well done Paddy Docherty for wrestling the crown from tabloid princess Kerry Katona.  She should definitely consider an acting career after that grateful runner up performance on Thursday night.  The odds were always in Paddy's favour though.  Just look at previous winners like Alex Reid & Bez from The Happy Mondays.  The Great British public love an inarticulate oaf.

24 hours later and we're off again, but with real people to love and hate for the next couple of months.

I say real but there is one fake in the mix. Pamela Anderson has agreed to spend a few days with the new housemates to sort out her overdraft.  I guess this was a better option than playing Aladdin's genie in Hull for a month at Christmas.  Nice of her to leave that job open for Kerry.

So would it be back to basics or a line up of shocking freaks?

First  down the runway was Mark.  A cheeky chap with a small willy.  It was like Joe Pasquale had just woken up in an alternative reality.  Seems quite adorable but will probably annoy the hell out of the other housemates :-)

Housemate number 2 is irritating Maisie, a fame hungry wannabe.  She's one of those pretty girls who fold jeans at Abercrombie & Fitch just to make normal people feel insecure about their own looks.  Loves heating up baked beans wearing nothing but spike heels.  Is that what she meant by 'living for the moment'?  No likeability factor.

Aaron up next.  A cute tosser who walks like he's shit his pants.  Came over as a complete knob in his VT.  No doubt he'll turn out to be an absolute sweetie.

Hooray for Heaven.  She's an holistic healer who's obsessed with her womb.  I suspect there will be a few of her male housemates who will be interested in exploring that region too. She nearly lost her small breasts on the way in as she slipped into Brian's arms. I can see her doing a porn version of Play School with two hairy bears, a pigtailed dolly bird and her ugly mate.  Has someone spiked my wine?

Tom Thumb popped up next.  A curly, camp Hobbit whose party trick is getting his massive cock out.  Small people with big penises scare me.  The dwarf with the cod piece in The Singing Ringing Tree scarred me for life.

Time for Tashie.  A loud belly dancer who swears in 5 languages.  Annoying but nice shoes.

Odd Aden ambled out like he wasn't quite sure he wanted to be there.  After months of auditions and beating thousands to win a place in the house he could have at least tried to look a bit excited.

Up next was Alex. A South Shield's munter with nasty extensions and in need of some Freederm.  Works front of house at McDonalds.  They must have right posh burger bars in the North East.

Say hello to Harry.  This big country toff in crumpled Ralph Lauren wants to be a gay icon.  Needs to do something about his bad teeth and embarrassing wind first.

Rebeckah is a man hating lap dancer. She's neurotic and has anger issues.  Broke down as soon as she got in the house.  Will be the first to have a meltdown hopefully.

Anton swaggered out onto the stage.  The People's Champion and a Croydon legend......allegedly.  He once played football for Crystal Palace.  So not that special then.

Fiesty Faye, the tom boy wrestler, is fit as f***.  When she entered the house she asked if anyone else was shaking. I'm sure there was a few stirrings in the guy's pants.  I like her.  In fact I think I might fancy her a bit!

Oh look it's another Geordie cliché.  Jay is muscles and tattoos in a tank top and designer jeans.  His best chat up line is 'Come back to mine for a shag and pizza'.  Works for me.

Last and maybe least, it's Louise. A Manc model who thinks she's intelligent. Nuff said.  First to get the boot I reckon.

So this is Big Brother - Hollyoaks style, which is probably a really good move by Channel 5. These are the best looking housemates we've ever had, but how are they all going to cope with only one hairdryer and a pair of straighteners?  Somehow I don't think food will be the main cause of arguments this year. I suspect the weekly shopping list will be fags, booze and fake tan.

Quote of the first night has to go to Mark who gave a bit of a back handed compliment to Pamela Anderson - 'You're like really fit in real life'.

Welcome back Big Brother.  The perfect antidote to 6 weeks of burly blokes in tight shorts chasing a ball around some sheep fields down under.

Oh I don't know........

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