Dolly Mixtures

Well after the dull plain one lifted the BB crown last year to a chorus of raspberries what would Channel 4's strategy be this year to make sure we have a more colourful king or queen? 10 years in the making, this was going to have to be the cherry on the cake.

Davina was exquisite in f*#k me heels and tight leather. She's teased us on Twitter earlier in the day with a sneaky peak at her wardrobe choices. I think she made the right selection although if I'm allowed to give some constructive criticism - it looked like she'd run out of her Garnier shampoo freebies.

First off the block was an eccentric toff from a country pile with aspirations to be an MP. He obviously has friends in high places. Clearly supporting Prince Charles' Squirrel Cull Campaign and was wearing a couple of his trophies on his head to make a point. As Freddie wandered round the house on his own, talking to the nation, I couldn't help but think it was like watching the Sherrif of Nottingham in a pink tie and sneakers.

Next up was what looked like Pete Bennett after gender reassignment. A lover of women and rubber pants, Lisa was a bit scary on her VT but I quite warmed to her as she beamed and swaggered up the stairs like John Wayne going to a fetish party.

A blow up bed appeared next. Sophie's a talented and clever girl. She can hold a beer bottle between her boobs apparently. I'm sure that's every straight man's dream. Somewhere to put your beer while you have a quickie during the half time ad break on Sky Sports. She's got big ears too so if your still at it when the players run out for the second half you can manouver her head so you get a clear view of the pitch. Gorgeous girl. The crowd hated her.

Kris is a womanising window dresser. A creature more rare than an honest MP. He's a handsome young man but I'm worried about those sperm count killing tight trousers.

Exhibitionist Noirin claims to be very religious and lives her life by the 10 Commandments. Sorry love but those awful hair extensions were sinful. In the name of God, say three Hail Marys and get yourself a new hairdresser. She was terrified that her top was going to fall down. I don't know why. From what I could see the contents were empty. I just pray she's not going to expose her unusually long toes any time soon.

Cairon is obviously a fan of those superstar style icons - JLS. The lad looked very self concious on his way to the house. I don't know how he managed to keep his cool as there appeared to be a squirrel pulling his pants down. It was obviously trying to find somewhere to hide from Freddie. I'm not sure that plan was a good one though, as Cairon made it clear that he doesn't like things touching his bum.

The night was about to get really strange as an artistic Russian boxing pop star called Angel got out of the car and walked very slowly up the catwalk like a transvestite Victorian undertaker leading a hearse to the churchyard. Weird. Reminded me of Mary the witch from a few years ago.

Karly is a Scottish 3rd Division WAG who left uni after 3 weeks cos it was full of weirdos. She’s gonna love it in the BB house then! Hopefully she'll be out by the end of the month and back to hanging around the changing rooms at Stenhousemuir.

Scruffy Marcus was more Wayne Slobb than Wolverine. Dandruff and a dirty vest just doesn't cut it as an entrance outfit in my book. He has the face that only a Mother could love and even she can't be best pleased and having to hug those nasty spots on his shoulders. I hope he's brought some shirts with him.

I loved Beinazir. A crazy Pakistani who'd clearly spent a packet in Claire’s Accessories. She's got a voice like she smokes 60 a day and I thought her VT was the best of the night. She swears a lot and plucks her moustache. Sounds like my ex.

Squealing Sophia, in her over-sized Ugg boots, was like a Bluewater Ewok after drinking too much Sunny D.

A Brazilian Zac Ephron turned up next. The smiley lad from San Paolo said that England is turning him gay. I have a hunch that Rodrigo didn't have that far to turn. I bet he's got a suitcase full of skimpy Speedos and flip flops and will be pestering the male housemates to chase him round the garden within a week.

We always like a bit of rough trade in the BB House and they didn't disappoint us this year. An ex-Mr Gay UK from Newcastle ran into the house like he'd just nicked a bottle of Zamaretto from the local off license. Pretty blue eyes and a nice ass I might be inclined to check my wallet after a night out with Charlie.

I don't think Saffia will be a bookies favourite. A bitchy spunk bucket by all accounts. The crowd jeered as she posed in a dress that was 2 sizes too small. Has she not heard of Body Shaper pants? I reckon she'll be out first.

Not much to say about Sree except that he reminded me of the bloke in PC World that sold me my new laptop.

The 16th and final housemate to arrive was Siavash. A very strange looking man with a big nose and well conditioned hair. He made a bee line for Angel when he arrived in the house. She smiled and appeared to be groping his groin as they got acquianted. Maybe she heard Davina saying he had a small willy but by the look on her face she seemed quite impressed with the Prince of Persia's package.

So that's our lot. A right mixed bag of pretty, sweet and sour candies for us to gorge on during the summer. Our Dolly Mixtures for 2009. I'm on a high already. Let's hope we don't eat too much and get sick this year.