That's all Folks!

And now the end is near. And so I face the final curtain.

No hang on, it's just Stephanie leaving the Big Brother house wearing Laurence Llewelyn Bowen swags and tails. She looked like she was going to the Colby Co Christmas Party instead of facing a rabble of frozen hoodies near Scratchwood Services. The final of one of the most bizarre and simply the best Celebrity Big Brothers had arrived.

The last week was a corker and Big Brother didn't let the housemates get complacent for their race to the end.

Poor Ivana was the first one out after being humiliated on a fake Swedish award show. She took it on the chin. After all, it is what it is Darlink.

Talking of chins. Nicola continued to prove that she had the most enquiring mind in the house, asking the lads if they'd ever had a sex toy up their ass. This was followed by one of those uneasy silences when the boys couldn't decide what the coolest answer would be. Unfortunately Rocky is an open book and you could tell by the nervous smile that there's been a bit of flip flopping with a strap on round at Chez Price.

Alex had another embarrassing sexual exchange when Vinnie told him he enjoys cross dressing. The poor guy was in a right state. Shifting nervously on the kitchen counter he had to walk out for some air as he started sweating profusely. I bet he took a pack of tissues to bed that night.

The farm yard task was another belter. Dane Bowers dancing with a pig. Now that's not a first.

Nicola was summoned to the Diary Room and told that she was being evicted. Her jaw hit the floor. It didn't have far to fall. It was nearly there anyway. She went out the back door and was replaced by a very excited Davina disguised in a chick outfit.

Unfortunately Davina was rumbled almost immediately by the housemates and it was quite uncomfortable viewing as she was menaced by a horse, a goat and a chicken at the Diary Room door. It was strange territorial behaviour by the guys as they manhandled her on the floor. I thought we might be witnessing the first chick being gang banged in the house.

Jonas the Pig came to the rescue and he sat snorting with her on the bench for a bit. Try as she might, Davina wasn't able to squeeze out a fart for her porky pal so he decided to rejoin his farmyard buddies and left her to wander around the garden on her own. I bet she didn't expect such a hostile reception but she seemed to enjoy being allowed to be part of the story after 10 years on the outside.

After Davina left, a light came on in Rocky's head as he suddenly worked out why they'd all been wearing animal costumes for the evening. Numpty!

The final night was fantastic as we all looked forward to Vinnie realising that he's not the man of the people he thought he was.

All the housemates were back and huddling under a big pink duvet with fixed grins. Katia had a face like a slapped ass all night as she just wished the whole thing would end and she could get back to cruising care homes.

Have to say that I was cheering wildly when Alex won. He might be thick as mince and more than a tad deluded but he seems to be a sweetheart. As expected, La Price was there like a big black crow waiting to swoop. Now that he's proved to be popular with the public I'm sure she's thinking this is an opportunity to get them back on side to feed her ego.

It's like Peter Andre all over again. Jordan was loathed by the public until she met the cheesy Aussie in the jungle and his gormless charm rubbed off on her for a while. I bet the bookies are already taking bets on how long it will be before an engagement is announced exclusively in OK. I give it a few weeks. In fact I'm going to stick my neck out and predict a 12 page spread in the Valentine Day edition.

So the final Celebrity Big Brother is over and I'm not ashamed to say I was a bit teary as the best bits played out to Florence & the Machine. It's a shame that we had to wait for the final series before the cynics realised what a simply perfect concept this show was and it will be sorely missed. Remarkable television.

Thank you Channel 4, Endemol, Davina, George, Emma and the final 12. You were great.

I don't think we've seen the last of Celebrity Big Brother.

See you in the summer xxxxxx

Role Call

Found the perfect role for Alex Reid if he's serious about pursuing an acting career. He wouldn't even need any makeup.

I'm sure vile Vinnie could put in a good word and get him an interview with J.J. Abrams for the next Star Trek movie.

Absolutely cracking show tonight. The Kugal Fresh Award task was genius. Poor Ivana. At least she's still got her World Record. She claims to be the fastest woman on earth. The only woman who can run a mile in 4 minutes 10 seconds. Quite incredible for a 70 year old who dances like an arthritic emu.

I have a terrible confession to make. I'm starting to warm to Alex! He's like my Mum's coffee table. Thick mahogany with chunky legs and no matter how you dress it up it always looks out of place. I just don't want him to win because it will only feed Jordan's ego and her tawdry publicity machine.

He should dump Ms Price as quickly as possible but I don't think his balls are big enough judging by the quick squirt of fake tan he applied down there tonight.

Double eviction tomorrow!

How can they even consider getting rid of this show?

Laughing Stock and 2 Smelly Deadbeats

Well it looks like the 'Man of the People' has shot himself in the foot with a double barrel of self satisfied crowing.

Bragging about his household staff at his LA mansion and whinging about the price of Hollywood dog grooming has not exactly endeared him to his housemates or the viewers.

Not sure what people he thinks he's representing but most of the population don't carry around £100 in their pockets every time they nip out to Costcutters for a packet of fags and a Daily Mirror.

Mr Jones is now not such a hot favourite to pick up the Celebrity Big Brother crown on Friday and it will be interesting to see his face once he realises he's blown it. Prepare for a shocked and surly exit from this shallow charlatan.

Dane and Jonas are coming up behind him and even Nicola and Alex are in the running now.

If you want to see Vinnie brought down a peg or two this week then here's the numbers to dial.

For Dane to win - Phone: 09011 323 002

For Jonas to win - Phone: 09011 323 004

If you want anyone else to win then you need your bumps feeling and can find the numbers yourself!

Me & Mr Jones

Blimey! This series of Celebrity Big Brother has seen me change my mind more often than an incontinent changes their bed sheets. Vindictive Vinnie said he went on the show so that people could see his true personality. We have and I for one think it stinks.

I'll return to Mr Jones later but first I need to ponder on how the hell Ivana managed to survive eviction on Friday against her much more animated countrymen. I guess she won by apathy as she's done bugger all for the last 2 weeks except bob around on a blue ball. She has had her moments though. Sitting on her bed the other night with a fake poo pee doo between her legs was a Trump highlight. She also braved the artist model task like a prune in an Elastoplast.

St. Stephen continued his crusade against evil, declaring that he felt demonic activity in the house. Get real mate. The only thing in there that needs exorcising is Jonas's arse. His rancid farts are like paranormal ectoplasm. If reading the Bible in the Big Brother house makes Satan angry I'm sure Basshunter's farts are giving him a right good chuckle. The 50,000 people praying for Stephen in the house were going to be disappointed as he got his marching orders on Friday and left the sinners to rot in Purgatory for another week. A complete fruit loop but I'm sad he's gone.

Sassy Sisqo sealed his fate after a lispy spat with our stroppy soccer star. I'd love to hear Sisqo saying that sentence after a few glasses of bubbly and a tin of lager. Another one bit the dust and Sisqo was closer to the dust than most men.

I think Dane has nice knees and I'm not the only one attracted to the male form in there. Stephen seems obsessed with touching Alex and his orange muscles. The look on Dane's face when Stephen was stroking the beefcake's thighs was classic.

Nicola took Alex's grooming to new depths when she decided to squeeze his gross steroid spots. I wonder if Jordan is as attentive with her acrylic talons. Somehow I doubt it. She's far too selfish to risk a broken nail or lose a veneer for any man's puss. The only thing he's going to get from her is a big long sharp one right between his shoulder blades.

On Day 17 I thought I saw Alex lying still on the living room floor until I realised it was just a wooden bench.

Stephanie has spent most of the week sitting in the snug in a fur blanket like a lazy Ewok in Chloe sunglasses. However her run in with a sloppy chocolate cake in the Diary Room (twice) was hilarious and more evidence of the genius of Big Brother. I wonder if someone at Channel 4 is a MILF splosher?

My Quote of the Week came during a typically deep conversation about sexuality. Jonas proudly stated that he can grab a man's balls and still be straight at which Nicola replied 'Yeh, so can I'.

And so to Mr Jones. A bit of arrogance can be quite appealing but this man-child is really starting to piss me off. A complete control freak who has no sense of self awareness. A man who is clearly used to getting his own way he's been downright nasty to anyone who dares to cross him or challenge his way of running the house. He thinks he's Mr Charming but his immature behaviour and devious tactics are just reminiscent of the days when he played for that ugly South London football team.

He now calls himself an actor but he's really just Rent-a-Thug. A novelty joke for the Hollywood Glitterati.

The final straw for me was the way he reacted to Sisqo last week. Running to Big Brother like a stroppy child rather than facing up to a tiny taunter who'd had a bit too much to drink. Pathetic! Makes me wonder why the other housemates are in such awe of him. I guess they think he's going to win. He certainly does.

The bookies seem to agree but I'm not convinced that the Great British Public love him as much as he loves himself.

I have a feeling that Dane and his sexy knees could cause an upset but I'm still backing the Swedish bean pole.

Jonas to win!

The Missionary Position

And so it came to pass that on a good Friday in January the house was rid of the dirty wench who had laid with men and been a lesbian dildo fence during her time in the other Big House. Heidi followed Katia into the wilderness on the 13th day wearing her soiled pyjamas and some Primark Ugg boots. We could have forgiven her trespasses if she'd just had a bloody good wash!

Pastor Baldwin and his gormless disciple have provided us with the most bizarre and cringe worthy TV of the series. Stephen's flock of one is a perfect example of how the dim and bewildered can fall foul of these religious freaks. They play a clever game of mind control. Make them feel bad about themselves 'you're a tossed salad' and then tell them how the Lord can make them a better person. I suspect Mr Baldwin went through a similar process during his conversion. His addiction to drugs and alcohol being replaced by an addiction to his God.

Even innocent morons like Alex need a sign from above to complete their conversion and Brother Baldwin duly facilitated the first Miracle of Borehamwood when Alex dropped a bottle of water and God made it land upright. Not exactly the feeding of the 5,000 but it was proof positive for the naive, cage fighting tranny.

Saint Stephen is a great housemate but I can't help but wonder if his disdain for Nicola, his eagerness to rub Alex's muscles and his obsession with Jonas' Y-fronts might have been the Achilles heel that his brainwashers needed.

I know Vinnie is still the bookies favourite but I've really gone off him in the last few days. He's been acting like Pontius Pilate. Whipping up bad feeling in the house about Sov and then washing his hands of responsibility by not nominating her. He cleverly manipulated the house with his constant bitching and totally engineered Egg Gate by offering Sov her extra fried egg and then standing back and watching it all kick off.

Stephanie has become Vinnie's Cleopatra. Beautiful but intolerant of lesser mortals. Apart from whipping up some pureed dinners during the Last Legs task with Ivana, she's done bugger all in the house that didn't involve someone else doing stuff for her.

Nicola feared she was going to be cast out with the serpents on the 16th day. She needn't have worried her empty little head. Yes Nicola, a boa constrictor is a snake! The scheming of the Roman Governor and his strumpet made sure that sinner Sov faced the baying crowds. She descended from the mount in her Puffa jacket and unlaced trainers after succumbing to her last temptation. A slice of corned beef and an early egg.

In the beginning, I liked Jonas. I still think he's a decent bloke even if he does shave his pubes.

Jonas to win!

Amen.

'It's all just Pantomime'

The Big Brother Celebrity Pantomime is in full swing now and after my potty mouthed rant last week (sorry), I have to say I'm hooked again and loving it.

That's what's so good about Big Brother. Even with a house full of dullards, the show is still the original and the best reality show, proving that you don't need gimmicky jungle trials or high profile media whores to make a great series.

Sleeping Beauty

Well I'm not sure about the 'beauty' bit but that woman is the laziest person ever to enter the BB house. This trailer park freak just slobs around the house looking smelly. She's like a skinny American version of Kerry Katona. I know she's had a tough life and lost most of her brain cells through drink and drugs but if I really wanted to watch dirty old slappers moping around with vacant expressions I could go to LiDLs in Croydon any day of the week.

Robin Hood

I'm loving Vinnie Jones. He's an obvious winner. No nonsense and salt of the earth. You can tell he's got the measure of his fellow housemates. The fact that he's a closet twitcher who builds food tables for robins just seals the deal. Our very own Birdman of Borehamwood.

Goldilocks

Cock tease Katia hasn't done much apart from smoke fags, fart and flirt with Jonas. I wonder if it was her farts that attracted Ronnie Wood? Maybe that's where Jo Wood went wrong. She should've passed wind more often to keep the romance in their marriage.

Simple Simon

Like a lost soul, Alex Reid seems out of his depth in so many ways. You could say he's punching way above his weight. He said he wanted to change the world by being a celebrity. The poor orange man is completely delusional and obsessed with fame which means he'll probably be an excellent match for Jordan as long as he's prepared to let her wear the trousers. Sounds like he already does as he admitted to sitting around her house in dresses. I'm sure we can look forward to witnessing this bizarre scenario on ITV2 very soon on Katie and Alex...The Final Chapter. Grow some balls mate!

Prince Charming

Talking of balls. Jonas seemed to be carrying an IKEA Swedish meatball in his mankini during the Hunk Off. The poor lad might be tall in stature but I have a feeling that Kat was hoping for more of a Thor's hammer.

Dick

Sisqo on the other hand was squeezing rather more into his Thong Th Thong Thong Thong. The diminutive rapper won the hearts of the girls with a soulful song, a large bulge and a shaved ass. And they say that blokes are shallow!

The Snow Queen

The person with the biggest danglers is Ivana. Those ear lobes are freaky! She doesn't need a private jet. I'm sure she could flap her way to Palm Springs with those Mothers.

Cinderella

I don't think Nicola T will be going to the ball anytime soon. Insipid and pointless. I can't remember anything she's done so far. Maybe I have selective memory ;-) Was she really a popular Page 3 girl? She reminds me of Karen Carpenter.

Tinkerbell

I wasn't sure about Sov at first but I'm really warming to her. How we all cheered when she asked Jonas 'Why did you make this song'! Be honest. It's a question we've always wanted to ask Basshunter.

Wicked Stepmother

I sooooo wanted to like Stephanie. This woman is part of my TV heritage. Tenko, Connie, Dynasty, The Colby's, Bad Girls, Coronation Street. A true gay icon of our times. I'm a bit miffed though. She's coming across like a stuck up snob and not in a good bitchy way a la Joan Collins. Eloquent and articulate she may be but her tongue seems to be up her own ass instead of in her cheek.

Abanazer

Stephen Baldwin is evil! Trust me. He's just an over bearing, bible bashing, bully. He uses his God to intimidate others and make himself seem beyond reproach. I'm sure some of the housemates feel that if they nominate him it would be like condemning Christ to the cross. His nominations were so obvious. Sov and Jonas. The only 2 people who refuse to sit politely listening to his preaching. Knob!

Have I fogotten anyone?

Oh yeh. Dane Bowers................understudy

The Corpse Price

I'm angry and pissed off!

I was so looking forward to the final series of Celebrity Big Brother and can't believe the producers failed to deliver. Did they not watch I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here? We're sick of Katie Price and her self promotion. This is going to be another month of seeing her leathery face splashed across the tabloids every day.

The Jordan bandwagon aside.......

Stephen Baldwin

He was a complete wet lettuce on the American version of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here so on what basis was he employed? Did no one at Channel 4 do their homework? He walked out of that show. Fingers crossed eh ;-)

Nicola T

What use is a pair of tits when said tits are in a relationship with a child in the real world. Totty is only required in the BB house to encourage a bit of furtive flirting and frottage. Eye candy has to be available to do it's job so why sign up a pout and nipples that can't deliver. It's pointless and sloppy.

Stephanie Beacham

A real celebrity and could be great viewing. If I was her I'd be looking for another agent though. Dynasty, shagging Ken Barlow, squeezing into a Mini with a bunch of losers isn't exactly an upward career path.

Lady Sovereign

She says she went into the house because she's bored. I suspect she'll bore us before the week's out. Lesbian chavs are so last decade.

Alex Reid

Orange dick who has been desperate to get on TV for years. He lucked out by knobbing Jordan and is now trying to extend his 15 minutes of fame but the sad truth is he's just another cog in the Katie Price media machine.

Katia

How does shagging a wrinkly make you a celebrity? She's quite cute though so she might be the only hope we have of getting some love action in the house.

Heidi Fleiss

How the hell did she pass the psychological testing? I've not seen anything that bewildered since Robbie William's last X Factor performance. The woman should sue her plastic surgeon. It must be a hideous accident as nobody would actually want to look like Katie Price's corpse. Maybe the producers are more clever than I'm giving them credit for ;-)

Dane Bowers

Twat

Vinnie Jones

The recession must be hitting the Hollywood Mean Machine or maybe the film offers have dried up for this one trick pony. Come on. Have you seen him in X Men: The Last Stand? His mutant power appeared to be the ability to turn himself into a plank of wood.

Sisqo

This year's pocket sized Coolio. Another one novelty hit wonder wearing ghetto bling to make himself look interesting. I bet he's got The Thong Song 2010 Remix already lined up.

Basshunter

I like Jonas. I hope his Tourettes resurfaces and he tells the lot of them to fuck right off!

JONAS TO WIN!