'It's all just Pantomime'

The Big Brother Celebrity Pantomime is in full swing now and after my potty mouthed rant last week (sorry), I have to say I'm hooked again and loving it.

That's what's so good about Big Brother. Even with a house full of dullards, the show is still the original and the best reality show, proving that you don't need gimmicky jungle trials or high profile media whores to make a great series.

Sleeping Beauty

Well I'm not sure about the 'beauty' bit but that woman is the laziest person ever to enter the BB house. This trailer park freak just slobs around the house looking smelly. She's like a skinny American version of Kerry Katona. I know she's had a tough life and lost most of her brain cells through drink and drugs but if I really wanted to watch dirty old slappers moping around with vacant expressions I could go to LiDLs in Croydon any day of the week.

Robin Hood

I'm loving Vinnie Jones. He's an obvious winner. No nonsense and salt of the earth. You can tell he's got the measure of his fellow housemates. The fact that he's a closet twitcher who builds food tables for robins just seals the deal. Our very own Birdman of Borehamwood.

Goldilocks

Cock tease Katia hasn't done much apart from smoke fags, fart and flirt with Jonas. I wonder if it was her farts that attracted Ronnie Wood? Maybe that's where Jo Wood went wrong. She should've passed wind more often to keep the romance in their marriage.

Simple Simon

Like a lost soul, Alex Reid seems out of his depth in so many ways. You could say he's punching way above his weight. He said he wanted to change the world by being a celebrity. The poor orange man is completely delusional and obsessed with fame which means he'll probably be an excellent match for Jordan as long as he's prepared to let her wear the trousers. Sounds like he already does as he admitted to sitting around her house in dresses. I'm sure we can look forward to witnessing this bizarre scenario on ITV2 very soon on Katie and Alex...The Final Chapter. Grow some balls mate!

Prince Charming

Talking of balls. Jonas seemed to be carrying an IKEA Swedish meatball in his mankini during the Hunk Off. The poor lad might be tall in stature but I have a feeling that Kat was hoping for more of a Thor's hammer.

Dick

Sisqo on the other hand was squeezing rather more into his Thong Th Thong Thong Thong. The diminutive rapper won the hearts of the girls with a soulful song, a large bulge and a shaved ass. And they say that blokes are shallow!

The Snow Queen

The person with the biggest danglers is Ivana. Those ear lobes are freaky! She doesn't need a private jet. I'm sure she could flap her way to Palm Springs with those Mothers.

Cinderella

I don't think Nicola T will be going to the ball anytime soon. Insipid and pointless. I can't remember anything she's done so far. Maybe I have selective memory ;-) Was she really a popular Page 3 girl? She reminds me of Karen Carpenter.

Tinkerbell

I wasn't sure about Sov at first but I'm really warming to her. How we all cheered when she asked Jonas 'Why did you make this song'! Be honest. It's a question we've always wanted to ask Basshunter.

Wicked Stepmother

I sooooo wanted to like Stephanie. This woman is part of my TV heritage. Tenko, Connie, Dynasty, The Colby's, Bad Girls, Coronation Street. A true gay icon of our times. I'm a bit miffed though. She's coming across like a stuck up snob and not in a good bitchy way a la Joan Collins. Eloquent and articulate she may be but her tongue seems to be up her own ass instead of in her cheek.

Abanazer

Stephen Baldwin is evil! Trust me. He's just an over bearing, bible bashing, bully. He uses his God to intimidate others and make himself seem beyond reproach. I'm sure some of the housemates feel that if they nominate him it would be like condemning Christ to the cross. His nominations were so obvious. Sov and Jonas. The only 2 people who refuse to sit politely listening to his preaching. Knob!

Have I fogotten anyone?

Oh yeh. Dane Bowers................understudy