Me & Mr Jones

Blimey! This series of Celebrity Big Brother has seen me change my mind more often than an incontinent changes their bed sheets. Vindictive Vinnie said he went on the show so that people could see his true personality. We have and I for one think it stinks.

I'll return to Mr Jones later but first I need to ponder on how the hell Ivana managed to survive eviction on Friday against her much more animated countrymen. I guess she won by apathy as she's done bugger all for the last 2 weeks except bob around on a blue ball. She has had her moments though. Sitting on her bed the other night with a fake poo pee doo between her legs was a Trump highlight. She also braved the artist model task like a prune in an Elastoplast.

St. Stephen continued his crusade against evil, declaring that he felt demonic activity in the house. Get real mate. The only thing in there that needs exorcising is Jonas's arse. His rancid farts are like paranormal ectoplasm. If reading the Bible in the Big Brother house makes Satan angry I'm sure Basshunter's farts are giving him a right good chuckle. The 50,000 people praying for Stephen in the house were going to be disappointed as he got his marching orders on Friday and left the sinners to rot in Purgatory for another week. A complete fruit loop but I'm sad he's gone.

Sassy Sisqo sealed his fate after a lispy spat with our stroppy soccer star. I'd love to hear Sisqo saying that sentence after a few glasses of bubbly and a tin of lager. Another one bit the dust and Sisqo was closer to the dust than most men.

I think Dane has nice knees and I'm not the only one attracted to the male form in there. Stephen seems obsessed with touching Alex and his orange muscles. The look on Dane's face when Stephen was stroking the beefcake's thighs was classic.

Nicola took Alex's grooming to new depths when she decided to squeeze his gross steroid spots. I wonder if Jordan is as attentive with her acrylic talons. Somehow I doubt it. She's far too selfish to risk a broken nail or lose a veneer for any man's puss. The only thing he's going to get from her is a big long sharp one right between his shoulder blades.

On Day 17 I thought I saw Alex lying still on the living room floor until I realised it was just a wooden bench.

Stephanie has spent most of the week sitting in the snug in a fur blanket like a lazy Ewok in Chloe sunglasses. However her run in with a sloppy chocolate cake in the Diary Room (twice) was hilarious and more evidence of the genius of Big Brother. I wonder if someone at Channel 4 is a MILF splosher?

My Quote of the Week came during a typically deep conversation about sexuality. Jonas proudly stated that he can grab a man's balls and still be straight at which Nicola replied 'Yeh, so can I'.

And so to Mr Jones. A bit of arrogance can be quite appealing but this man-child is really starting to piss me off. A complete control freak who has no sense of self awareness. A man who is clearly used to getting his own way he's been downright nasty to anyone who dares to cross him or challenge his way of running the house. He thinks he's Mr Charming but his immature behaviour and devious tactics are just reminiscent of the days when he played for that ugly South London football team.

He now calls himself an actor but he's really just Rent-a-Thug. A novelty joke for the Hollywood Glitterati.

The final straw for me was the way he reacted to Sisqo last week. Running to Big Brother like a stroppy child rather than facing up to a tiny taunter who'd had a bit too much to drink. Pathetic! Makes me wonder why the other housemates are in such awe of him. I guess they think he's going to win. He certainly does.

The bookies seem to agree but I'm not convinced that the Great British Public love him as much as he loves himself.

I have a feeling that Dane and his sexy knees could cause an upset but I'm still backing the Swedish bean pole.

Jonas to win!