The Monster Mash

After my full on Bea-rating last week I was determined to ease off the Bristol bitch today but as her attention seeking antics reached new depths during the last 7 days, I thought what the #*&!

Following Freddie's early departure (I really miss the silly little bugger) she decided to make a move on Siavash and made a bid for the corner bed. The hairy one was having none of it and as she settled in like a cat that had the cream, Siavash announced that he fancied a move too and considered keeping an eye on the kids down the other end of the bedroom. Bea looked crest fallen as Marcus smirked under his duvet.

To be honest I think Bea and Siavash make a good couple. They both look like they get their clothes from bin bags outside Sue Ryder. They're equally selfish and the pair of them are great at dishing out advice to the others but reluctant to take on board any form of feedback from their housemates. I nearly used the positive/negative words there!

I used to really like Siavash but as the weeks have gone on I'm tired of his refusal to nominate. I think it's devious. He knows that he has a better chance of staying if all the housemates get put up. I'm also sick of his zany wardrobe. What a bleedin' state. How can anyone say he's a cool dude when he's walking around with a pair of trousers that have one long leg and one short one. Teamed with that dirty looking brown dog blanket he looks like he's spent too long under the arches at Waterloo station on a diet of Special Brew. You wouldn't even give him a job as a Big Issue seller unless he cleaned up his act.

The spurned Bea finally settled on the bed next to Charlie the 'clown'. Not a wise move when you consider the Geordie's track record for late night bedroom shenanigans. True to form, Charlie proved again that he's a lousy bed mate. On the first night his 'playfulness' went too far again and the union was ruined when he spat a mouthful of water in Bea's face. It was only a joke, like. Bea was inevitably very upset but somehow she managed to hold back the tearless tears.

Things didn't get any better for Bea the next day. All the housemates were cock-a-hoop at getting messages from home. All except Bea who couldn't understand why her message was from some old friend and not from her Mother. To be honest I can completely understand why she didn't want to appear on telly after the appalling behaviour of her spoilt off spring. She must be mortified and questioning her parenting skills. Then again maybe she can't see her daughter's faults. Judging by last night's X Factor auditions it's amazing how deluded and blinkered parents can be when it comes to their own kids.

Suffice to say that Bea ruined the day for everyone. Her strop carried on for ages but it did create one of the funniest comedy moments so far as Rodrigo got an uncontrollable fit of the giggles at the silliness of the situation. That went down like a lead balloon and fuelled Bea's fire until the wee small hours. The house was exhausted by the drama and everyone finally left her stewing in the garden, rolling a fag.

Roddy and Sophie are becoming a right little double act. The Friendly Tuna discussion in the kitchen had me in tears. Everyone should check their tins for bits of dolphin from now on. I always wondered what those small grey bits were. How can Sophie not know what brine is? I'm sure her breasts are full of it! She saved the best for last though. I never knew that sharks were blind. Did you? They must be very short sighted to say the least if they mistake swimmers on lilos for sea horses. Poor buggers. No wonder they're bad tempered.

I'm really starting to warm to Marcus and Lisa! There I've said it! Marcus plotting his wank with his Boy Scout masturbation kit was hilarious. Why can't he just have his way with himself under the bed covers like everyone else? The guilty look on his face when he was rumbled by Roddy and the others was priceless. Something I'm sure we can all relate to from our own teenage years at home. I bet it's a face that his skinny minge bag Mum with her pointy nose has seen many times.

I loved the Horror task this week. It's always fantastic to see housemates bickering in ridiculous outfits. I was so pleased that Bea insisted on being the Frankenstein monster. I bet 2 million other people were wishing they were Charlie when he was zapping her ass.

David was the chubbiest skeleton I've ever seen. 32 waist my arse. I do like dopey Dave but he really needs to start bothering about things in the house. I mean he's so not bothered. Really he's not bothered. No seriously he's not bothered. His apathy might be his downfall ;-)

It was another genius task. I'm bloody loving Big Brother again this year. What other show could give you a bunch of zombies fighting over 2 fried chicken nuggets?

Beadeviled

Free loving hippy my arse! Not since the loathsome Jason Cowan graced our screens have I despised a housemate so much as Bealzebub. It's freaking me out that I'm actually starting to warm to Lisa in the wake of this cold, conniving .............. almost used another C word there!

Bea entered the house a few weeks ago portraying herself as a lovable and peaceful wood nymph with high morals and a sense of fair play. The way she refused to trap Freddie in the task given to the new housemates was admirable and she cleverly endeared herself to the viewers who were distracted by a small Asian buffoon with a strange Scottish/LA hybrid accent. What was his name again?

There were early signs of what was to come when Bea and the small Asian buffoon had an argument. The first mountain from a mole hill was created as the Bristol bitch turned the screws. The hippy mask finally slipped as she sat smirking on the fag bench demanding to know if the small Asian buffoon felt intimidated by her. The question jarred and was further evidence that this little princess may not be all she appeared to be.

Give her some due though. She'd thought about her game plan before going into the house. She quickly had Freddie under her spell as he flopped around the house after her like an Andrex puppy. She also became 'best friends' with Noirin, the other big character in the house. Being friends with Bea is a poisoned chalice as both would find out very soon. Friendship with her is on her terms and when the real Bea surfaces it's like being given a bed bath with Ajax and a Brillo pad.

The worm turned when Noirin went a man too far and snogged Siavash, only to dump him 2 days later when her American Daddy turned up to rescue her from these lusty lads. The knives were out and Bea took it upon herself to provide the weapons at every opportunity. Suddenly she was Marcus' number one fan and decided that she was the girl for Siavash. Neither were particularly impressed with this change of heart so Bea upped the bitch factor and slung mud and arrows at Noirin until the Dublin hussy was duly evicted with her Yank in tow. I can still see Bea's smug face as she sat on the sofa gloating in her self made Team Marcus t-shirt.

Bea's lack of self awareness was also coming to the fore. She was brutal in her condemnation of Noirin's flirting but quite happy to announce to the house that she'd already slept with over 50 men in Bristol. I'm always suspicious of people who talk about 'free love'. It usually means they're a complete slag.

Dim Dave was next on Bea's list. The house Shrek was subject to her snide comments in and out of the Diary Room. Her main beef seemed to be the fact that he's about as articulate as a pot bellied pig and just as greedy. I felt like phoning the RSPCA.

Bea's awfulness exploded like an horse ejaculating this week. Clearly miffed at the lack of male attention as the boys were more intent on being rebels without a cause she turned on Freddie. Sulking like a stroppy schoolgirl after he tried to give her some friendly advice about her constant bitching. This advice went down like a lead balloon and she ripped him apart with an icy calm that reminded me of Hannibal Lecter's psychological dissection of Clarice in Silence of the Lambs. He didn't stand a chance and by Friday he was gone. The sly smile on her face when Davina said Freddie's name sent a chill through our hearts. This woman is evil personified.

Suddenly she's best mates with Dave & Lisa but Lisa's not daft. Dave on the other had is and he's looking more bemused than normal at this new best friend routine. Dave, she's as fake as her skanky hair.

The best thing about watching this nasty woman is that she's not nearly as clever as she thinks she is. My favourite quote on the week was when she was sat in the diary room, bitching as usual, and called a fellow housemate a duplicitous noddy. She was wearing a red beanie hat at the time.

In other news. Sophie's tits have got even bigger and Charlie and Rodrigo's love/hate relationship is getting on mine.

The Glums

Well the scruffy little oik with the inflated ego went last week and guess what! Suddenly everyone thinks Freddie is great. Even the loathesome Lisa has been singing his praises through nicotine stained, gritted teeth.

After the rabbit furore it seems that Noirin is now being targetted by Lisa and Karly. They've done nothing but bitch about her 24/7, in between scrabbling around the ashtray for fag butts. A right pair of kill joys, who keep banging on about wanting to enjoy themselves but clearly find it impossible to crack a smile. Their idea of fun seems to be moaning and sneering at the bus stop like a couple of half empty glasses of bitter.

I think Noirin should ask Big Brother if she can have the marker pen back. She was much nicer when she had her moustache and glasses. The Queen of the cold shoulder has slouched around the house all week with a face like a slapped arse. Mind you I think I'd be a tad miffed if I had a hairy minger like Marcus drooling over me day and night. She needs some new male totty in there or else she'll have to make do with a Beauty & the Beast photo shoot for Heat magazine when she gets out.

Marcus has been like a bear with a sore head for most of his time in the house but it's getting worse as his Noirin addiction consumes his life. Her constant rejections are bringing him down but when pressed by Noirin about his surly demenour he came up with the quote of the week - 'actually I'm upset about the death of Michael Jackson'. Classic!

The only thing that cheered him up this week was Nikki Graham in gold hotpants but the sight of him leering at her under his duvet was the creepiest thing I've seen since the Leslie Grantham webcam footage.

Marcus gave another example of his attitude to women when he welcomed the buxom Michelle Bass to the house by asking her to get her baps out. Now you expect that sort of behaviour from teenage lads on the piss in Kavos but it's hardly going to improve his chances with Noirin or endear him to the viewing public. Loser!

I'm convinced that Rodrigo is completely unhinged. The unpredictable Brazilian veers from house prefect to crazed psycho at the drop of bowl of chick peas. Some might say it's his fiery Latin temperament but I just think he's a nutter. Face of an angel but the personality of The Incredible Hulk.

He chastised everyone for disrespecting the house fixtures and fitting and then in another fit of rage proceeded to douse the bedroom with cooking oil. Would you do that to your own house Rodrigo? Most of the time he's like nice wallpaper. Pleasing on the eye but after a while you don't notice him. That boy needs to show a bit of spunk if he's going to stay the distance. Maybe Charlie could help him tease it out ;-)

Even Freddie has lost a bit of his WOW factor. I think the fact that he didn't get nominated this week has made the whole experience less AMAZING for him. He even looked crest fallen when his electric shocks weren't as painful as the others. It took the rooftop revolution to put a spring back in his step and give him some purpose in the house.

Freddie's a true Brit who thrives in the face of adversity. He has a wartime spirit but give him an easy ride and he turns into a couch potato who slobs around all day in his dressing gown and woolly socks. The joy on his face when Big Brother removed said couch could be a sign that Churchill is back.

Now I know I called it a roof top revolution but to be honest I don't think this lot would have worried the French aristocracy. Most of them found the climb too hard. Siavash was reduced to a quivering wreck when he was about 3 feet off the ground and clung to the wall frame, wailing like a cat up a tree until he was rescued by Marcus. Siavash seems to be making a habit of getting into dangerous situations. Only the other day Freddie had to come to his rescue when he saw a spider in the kitchen and took refuge in the sink.

The revolution was a dismal failure. Come on Big Brother. Let them eat cake and throw in a packet of Marlboro Lights, some budget lager and cheese & onion crisps. Oh wait. You did!

Charlie & Sophie are still our village idiots. I think Sophie really is just a harmless simpleton but not convinced by Charlie playing the fool. The way he turns into a gibbering imbecile every time he enters the Diary Room is so contrived. I so want to like Charlie but this dizzy queen act just doesn't ring true. Come on canny lad. Get some balls and be yourself pet.

The tasks with the ex housemates were great. Evil Rex shocking the gang was hilarious. Noirin cried and Lisa got the hump......again. However the prize for the biggest laugh this week goes to Brian Belo, who sat in the Diary Room tickling his balls whilst calling boobs - ooglie booglies and task discs. Priceless.

I wasn't sad to see the back of Karly on Friday and it didn't look like her boyfriend Kenny was that bothered either.

'International playboy' Kenny joined the house with fellow newbies Bea, David, Hira and Tom. I'll reserve judgement on them for now but have taken a bit of a shine to posh totty Tom. Am I shallow? Is the Pope a Catholic?

Shakespeare TV

Is BB really the Big Bard of our generation? Sir Willy wrote his human pot boilers for the great unwashed and there's other parallels too......

Romeo & Juliet

The Montagues and Capulets have been displaced and are now living together in a corrugated shed in Borehamwood. Battle lines have been drawn as the two camps eye each other suspiciously across the bedroom from their crimson duvets.

Our Romeo and Juliet have been doomed from the start. Whilst Karly did her best to 'nurse' their relationship it was clear that this Montague has commitment issues. It wouldn't be a dagger that tore this tortured couple apart. It was 65% of the voting viewers who sent this Romeo to his fate.

Macbeth

Freddie is the misunderstood royal in the house. An outcast and full of angst. He so wants to be loved but is thwarted at every step by a manipulative Lady M (Noirin) and a coven of witches (Lisa, Karly & Sophie).

Prone to dramatic speeches, he reached his pinnacle this week with a passionate and blood stirring tour de force that put said Lady M well and truly in her place. It was like losing his mousy locks had actually given him the strength to truly become a worthy king. A bit like Samson in reverse!

A Midsummer Night's Dream

Charlie is our King of the Fairies. A Geordie Oberon who loves prancing round the garden with his wood nymphs (Karly & Sophie) and has spent the last couple of weeks avoiding Rodrigo's 'bottom'.

The man has poise and grace until it comes to the tasks. Haven't they realised by now that Charlie has 2 left feet and is about as agile as a tortoise. Having seen his previous form, who in their right mind thought it was a good idea to let him try his luck on a unicycle?

Othello

Marcus is the house General. Moody and besotted with a beautiful trollop. He spends much of his time in the house obsessing over conspiracies with his lieutenants Siavash and Freddie. They both take huge delight in fuelling his paranoia and jealousy. I can't see a happy for this troubled soldier.

I think Noirin should be wary of his invitations to join him on his bed. There's a pillow under that duvet with her name on it!

Taming of the Shrew

Talking of Noirin. The fiery Dubliner who is both loved and feared by the men of the house took things to a new level this week. Siavash became the next victim of her wrath with a public humiliation in front of the smirking courtiers.

Noirin is the mistress of tease and spurn and if anyone dares to cross her then she'll turn on them like a cobra with a migraine. Marcus has taken several knocks from the Irish harridan but like Sree before him, is resolute in his chase. I don't think this Petruchio is going to win her hand and he's likely to be sacrificed at the next weekly cull.

Hamlet

Rodrigo really is the tortured soul of the house. The dashing Brazilian prince obviously has unresolved issues that are leading to more ups and downs than Kerry Katona.

Maybe he should do a Duncan James and relieve himself of his burden. To be gay or not to be gay? That is the question.

Richard III

Lisa wants to be top dog and enjoys nothing better than shit stirring and trying to ingratiate herself with her allies in the house. Her plotting and scheming from the bus stop has gone unnoticed by some of the housemates who see her as some sort of hero.

I think her days are numbered. With 4 new housemates going in next week she'll really get the hump. I bet her paranoia will consume her and I for one will love watching her descent into madness.

Much Ado About Nothing

Says it all really :-)

BB10 (The South Park Remix)

A Life Less Ordinary

I've missed a lot of Big Brother this week due to birthday celebrations and travel so here's my BB10 tribute to Michael Jackson.

She's Out of my Life

The penny seems to have finally dropped for Sree as an icy calm descended on his relationship with Noiron. He did what any broken hearted lad would do in the circumstances. He dyed his hair ginger and went gay. Poor Charlie and Rodrigo were completely bemused by the cringe inducing come-ons from their hairy eared housemate.

Not even Siavash was safe as Sree slipped in to share his bath for a game of hide the soap.

Ebony & Ivory

Noirin and her Simon Cowell nashers have become a bit of a pain in the ass since the removal of her fake glasses. She's grown in confidence since her liberation but with her new found spunk has come a bossy bitchy streak. Is this the real Noirin or is it just her time of the month? I suspect it's the former and will inevitably lead her to be a former housemate.

Will You Be There

I'm so bored of the Kris and Dogface romance. Will they get it on? Will they last outside the house? Are their feelings true? Who give a flying fig! There's something bland and charmless about the pair of them. It's like they've been grown in a jar on some wet blotting paper by the editors of Heat magazine.

Can You Feel It

Freddie had a few treats for his birthday bash. The day started badly with the housemates chanting round a stone circle like extras from The Whicker Man. It was supposed to be a freeform music festival but was more like Woodstock for the tone deaf. Charlie decided he fancied a makeover and Kris transformed him from a 60s love child into a dead ringer for a Marbella barmaid. Freddie's special day ended with a birthday snog from Angel. She ravaged him over the ashtray with a glazed look on her face like a stoned porn star. Angel claims she loved his mind. Don't think she was searching in the right orifice.

PYT (Pretty Young Thing)

Rodrigo made a lovely Queen in the Tudor task. His sultry Latin pout was giving Sophie and Karly a run for their money as the most beautiful wife of King Siavash. These 3 pretties made up for the fact that Angel resembled Helena Bonham Carter as The Bride of Frankenstein and Sree and Freddie were The Ugly Sisters in this multi cultural pantomime.

The Girl is Mine

Noirin had a new admirer this week. With Sree and Marcus sidelined, it was Angel's turn to fall for her Irish charms. Maybe it was down to the removal of the glasses and moustache but Angel was suddenly besotted with her inner and outer beauty. It was another short lived affair. Maybe it's a culture thing but Western girls are not usually impressed to be told by a suitor that they have a fat arse and look 3 months pregnant. Having said that I'm sure that there's similar compliments handed out every weekend in Yate's Wine bar in Croydon.

Remember the Time

Quote of the week was from Lisa. While she was plucking a bird for the Tudor banquet she mused 'this is what they must have done to chickens in the olden days'. Does she think that modern chickens are bald?

Bad

There was a quite a few bad things happening in the house this week. Charlie was attempting to dance again in the Tudor task. Luckily his long dress and escaped nipples distracted the judges from his lack of rhythm.

Bullying came to the fore as the house launched a full out attack on the house eccentrics. Angel got the brunt of it as Kris kicked off and accused her of stealing some cans of cider. Freddie found the elusive cans in the fridge but Kris was defiant and refused to apologise. His reason being that Angel had eaten half a tin of cold baked beans in week 1. There is no logic to bullying.

Angel was targeted again when Charlie threw a bag of water over her as she embroidered her eviction outfit with Baco-Foil. Oh how they chuckled as the poor girl ran crying to the bedroom.

Noirin also stuck the knife in during the pre-eviction party. Out of the blue and at half past midnight on what could be Angel's final night in the house the Dublin Doyen swaggered into the lounge and ordered her to wash up a few dishes. An innocent enough request you might think but it was delivered with the venom of a cobra.

Only Freddie and Rodrigo showed any form of decency towards the Russian artist and in return were abused by Lisa and her cohorts for being 'too up Angel's arse'. Which brings me onto....

Human Nature

The Big Brother House always brings out the worst in people. Those housemates who are perceived as 'different' or eccentric are always isolated and attacked by the dullards. Freddie and Angel have suffered the worst this year and it was inevitable that they would be up for eviction on Friday. Angel was even too unique and strange for the Great British public and we booted her out last night leaving Freddie to survive another week of bitching and ridicule from the 'normals'.

Heal the World

Freddie for Prime Minister!

Summer Nights

You're the one that I want

Summer loving has definitely hit the Big Brother House this year. Kris is canoodling with Dogface but after BB asked if their romance was fake there's definitely an element of paranoia setting in. The cute and fluffy sweethearts are constantly seeking re-assurances from their fellow housemates about each other's intentions. Karly is relishing her role as Go Between as she clip clops from one to the other in her strappy heels.

Dogface has a bit of competition for Kris' affection though as Charlie follows him around in his shorts 24/7. Charlie's entire wardrobe appears to consist of shorts, shorts and more shorts. Newcastle girls are legend for going out without their skirts on. Charlie appears to be doing the reverse. Kris is playing along with his mincing mate and actually looked quite comfortable doing Girls Aloud routines in the garden with his camp chum. Metrosexual takes a lot of practice and this lad, in top to toe All Saints, has done his homework.

Grease is the word

No I don't mean Marcus' pony tail. I'm talking about Mayonnaise soup. Angel decided to go on a hunger strike in support of Noirin and her campaign to get her glasses and moustache removed. Not the most clever of ideas when your on national TV and already have a body that resembles a xylophone. I thought someone was going to mistake her for their Old Bamboo ;-) She stuck to mayonnaise soup and pasta water for 4 days but Big Brother refused to be intimidated and all she achieved was an even more sallow complexion, sunken eyes and a load of flack from Lisa.

Look at me I'm Sandra Dee

Apparently Charlie's parents didn't know he was gay until recently. He's obviously making up for lost time in the house and is fast becoming this year's disco diva. His rendition of Something Kinda Oooh obviously swayed the house into giving him the role of lead dancer in the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang task. More fool them. Girls Aloud - good dancing? They should have chosen Sree. He's an expert barn dancer in India, after all. They deserved to fail the task. Predictably Charlie turned out to have 2 left feet and about as much rhythm as a wheelie bin. Somehow they managed to pass the task despite Charlie's clumsy efforts. He consoled himself by squeezing into a pink rara skirt and skipping around the garden during one of Angel's keep fit classes. I want to like Charlie but can't help feeling it's all a bit forced.

Beauty school drop out

I'm really starting to like Karly. OK she's thick as mince ('what's horticulture') but you have to admire her commitment to fashion and beauty. She seems to be a good judge of character and have very little talent. In fact she could be the perfect Big Brother housemate. Oh and she can click her hip although I'm not quite sure if that will be a vote winner.

There are worse things I could do

After Freddie's egg salad faux pas last week it was Sree's turn to have a kitchen catastrophe. His lunchtime treat for his fellow housemates was raw bacon sandwiches with a garnish of cheese & onion crisps. Students eh!

Sree also had a run in with surly Cairon in the kitchen. The grouchy teenager was beside himself with rage because hapless Sree moved his cereal bowl a couple of inches on the worktop. Not the most clever strategy when you're up for eviction.

Hopelessly devoted to you

Despite being almost poisoned by Sree's snack, Lisa was very supportive when his romancing of Noirin went completely off the rails before it even got out of the station. It's been really uncomfortable veiwing. Sree has not taken the rejection well and is becoming more nasty and bitter by the day. I don't understand why the housemates are pandering to his childish and spiteful behaviour. I think he's the most camera savvy person in there. People that bang on about respect all the time usually don't have any for anyone else.

Blue Moon

Marcus the wolfman has drooling over bosoms all week. The self proclaimed Captain Cool as f**k has shown very little of said cool in the way he's been behaving around Sophie and Noirin. However I have to say I've been loving the way he's been winding up Sree with his offers to swap a can of cider for a sneaky peep of Noirin's boobs. Mind you I don't think he's gonna have much chance unless he starts paying as much attention to his personal hygiene. Musky pits and sour gums don't cut it with this pack of bitches.

We go together

The most bizarre bromance this year is between Cairon and Siavash. This odd couple are all over each other. Grooming and washing each other like a couple of neutered tom cats. They've become more and more tactile as their love blossomed before us. They finally declared their feelings for each other by painting smiley faces on their hairy bums. Romance is alive and well in Borehamwood.

It was a romance that was to be cut short as Davina announced that Cairon was the next person to be evicted from the Big Brother House. In typical Cairon fashion he appeared to be half asleep on the sofa as the house went live and ambled up the stairs and out to oblivion looking like Gangsta version of Blakey from On The Buses.

Looks like Freddie is the man to beat. He's the Susan Boyle of BB10. Daft as a brush and canny sing!

Ali Baba and the 14 Thieves

Open Sesame!

We now have our proper housemates after poor Beinazir was cruelly packed off on an old Routemaster to spend her Sunday evening touring the Borehamwood roundabouts. There was no crowd or photographers to greet her which was just as well as she left the house looking like she'd been living in an Al-Qaeda bolt hole in the Afghan mountains for a couple of weeks.

Everyone was sad about her departure for about 5 minutes until Siavash's suitcase was delivered and his bizarre wardrobe was revealed to the world. To say his clothes are eclectic is an understatement. A bit like saying Katie Price is orange.

No sooner had this veritable box of delights been opened that the housemates decided to have an impromptu fancy dress party and emptied the contents onto the floor. Charlie was particularly excited as he rolled around in lycra and sequins with a large appendage attached to his face. Not for the first time, I bet.

Siavash tried to remain composed but you could tell he was seething at having his precious clothes thrown around the house like a Monday morning bin bag sort in a charity shop.

Of all the housemates I think Siavash is the one with a clear house strategy. He's already recruited Ciaron to his harem but I have a feeling this relationship may turn out to be like Abanazer and Aladdin. Watch your back lad! If he asks you to rub anything in the dark...... think on.

I'm fascinated by Siavash's chest hair grooming. WTF is that all about? Leave it be or shave it all off. That half hairy look is just stupid. It looks like he's recovering from open heart surgery.

Freddie has had a bad week. It started rough when he was forced to change his name to Halfwit but went right downhill when he caused the first 'gate' of BB10 by chopping up some eggs and lettuce. The housemates were beside themselves. His card was marked.

He tried to cheer himself up by stroking Dogface's neck and watching her pelvic floor exercises but she clearly has her sights set on curly Kris and wasn't having any of Freddie's awkward flirts.

Lisa is settling into the role of house mother but her demeanour can change very quickly. I've noticed that her cock comb cut is a clear sign of her mood. If it's lying flat then she's calm and friendly but as soon as it's up she's as spiky as the red flash on her head. It must be the testosterone.

Angel's had a week of ups and downs. Her solitary birthday party was perfect for the strange loner. She was positively beaming at the feast supplied by Big Brother. Obviously a bottle of milk and a half salami is considered a banquet in her homeland. Her eating habits are very odd. Whilst everyone else whooped and scoffed their pizza treat, Angel declined and got her lips around a raw egg instead. I guess you can teach a Grand Guingol to suck eggs. Sorry!

The quote of the week goes to the Fife floozy. Karly has apparently studied German at college but her understanding of language was clear when she announced that English and German are very similar because of the war. Now I never knew that. Amazing what you learn watching Big Brother.

I really can't make my mind up about Sree. He's either stark raving bonkers or a clever and conniving little git. He thinks everyone in the house loves him and they probably did for a couple of days. However if he doesn't get off that sanctimonious high horse soon I think there may be bloodshed.

His flirting skills are worse than Freddie's. He starts off by insulting the girls and making them feel like cheap whores. He sticks the morality knife in as far as it will go until the inevitable tears start flowing. That's his cue to slither over and comfort them with a kiss and a cuddle. I think he's a snake in cheap white sunglasses.

At the start of the week it looked like Saffia was the Queen Bee of the house, surrounded by her attentive boys. In a matter of days she'd been knocked back by Kris and virtually knocked out by a barrage of abuse from a paranoid pixie and walked out of the house wailing for her kids.

Sophia was clever. She knew that to survive in the house you need eyes on the back of your head. Maybe that's why she took to wearing 3 pairs of glasses.

Her misguided tactics didn't work and she faced eviction with Freddie. As she wisely predicted that it would be the public that decided her fate. We did and she was booted out after a flash of knickers and boobs like a Notting Hill Carnival version of Barbara Windsor.

She's dropped it till it's hot for the last time.

Dolly Mixtures

Well after the dull plain one lifted the BB crown last year to a chorus of raspberries what would Channel 4's strategy be this year to make sure we have a more colourful king or queen? 10 years in the making, this was going to have to be the cherry on the cake.

Davina was exquisite in f*#k me heels and tight leather. She's teased us on Twitter earlier in the day with a sneaky peak at her wardrobe choices. I think she made the right selection although if I'm allowed to give some constructive criticism - it looked like she'd run out of her Garnier shampoo freebies.

First off the block was an eccentric toff from a country pile with aspirations to be an MP. He obviously has friends in high places. Clearly supporting Prince Charles' Squirrel Cull Campaign and was wearing a couple of his trophies on his head to make a point. As Freddie wandered round the house on his own, talking to the nation, I couldn't help but think it was like watching the Sherrif of Nottingham in a pink tie and sneakers.

Next up was what looked like Pete Bennett after gender reassignment. A lover of women and rubber pants, Lisa was a bit scary on her VT but I quite warmed to her as she beamed and swaggered up the stairs like John Wayne going to a fetish party.

A blow up bed appeared next. Sophie's a talented and clever girl. She can hold a beer bottle between her boobs apparently. I'm sure that's every straight man's dream. Somewhere to put your beer while you have a quickie during the half time ad break on Sky Sports. She's got big ears too so if your still at it when the players run out for the second half you can manouver her head so you get a clear view of the pitch. Gorgeous girl. The crowd hated her.

Kris is a womanising window dresser. A creature more rare than an honest MP. He's a handsome young man but I'm worried about those sperm count killing tight trousers.

Exhibitionist Noirin claims to be very religious and lives her life by the 10 Commandments. Sorry love but those awful hair extensions were sinful. In the name of God, say three Hail Marys and get yourself a new hairdresser. She was terrified that her top was going to fall down. I don't know why. From what I could see the contents were empty. I just pray she's not going to expose her unusually long toes any time soon.

Cairon is obviously a fan of those superstar style icons - JLS. The lad looked very self concious on his way to the house. I don't know how he managed to keep his cool as there appeared to be a squirrel pulling his pants down. It was obviously trying to find somewhere to hide from Freddie. I'm not sure that plan was a good one though, as Cairon made it clear that he doesn't like things touching his bum.

The night was about to get really strange as an artistic Russian boxing pop star called Angel got out of the car and walked very slowly up the catwalk like a transvestite Victorian undertaker leading a hearse to the churchyard. Weird. Reminded me of Mary the witch from a few years ago.

Karly is a Scottish 3rd Division WAG who left uni after 3 weeks cos it was full of weirdos. She’s gonna love it in the BB house then! Hopefully she'll be out by the end of the month and back to hanging around the changing rooms at Stenhousemuir.

Scruffy Marcus was more Wayne Slobb than Wolverine. Dandruff and a dirty vest just doesn't cut it as an entrance outfit in my book. He has the face that only a Mother could love and even she can't be best pleased and having to hug those nasty spots on his shoulders. I hope he's brought some shirts with him.

I loved Beinazir. A crazy Pakistani who'd clearly spent a packet in Claire’s Accessories. She's got a voice like she smokes 60 a day and I thought her VT was the best of the night. She swears a lot and plucks her moustache. Sounds like my ex.

Squealing Sophia, in her over-sized Ugg boots, was like a Bluewater Ewok after drinking too much Sunny D.

A Brazilian Zac Ephron turned up next. The smiley lad from San Paolo said that England is turning him gay. I have a hunch that Rodrigo didn't have that far to turn. I bet he's got a suitcase full of skimpy Speedos and flip flops and will be pestering the male housemates to chase him round the garden within a week.

We always like a bit of rough trade in the BB House and they didn't disappoint us this year. An ex-Mr Gay UK from Newcastle ran into the house like he'd just nicked a bottle of Zamaretto from the local off license. Pretty blue eyes and a nice ass I might be inclined to check my wallet after a night out with Charlie.

I don't think Saffia will be a bookies favourite. A bitchy spunk bucket by all accounts. The crowd jeered as she posed in a dress that was 2 sizes too small. Has she not heard of Body Shaper pants? I reckon she'll be out first.

Not much to say about Sree except that he reminded me of the bloke in PC World that sold me my new laptop.

The 16th and final housemate to arrive was Siavash. A very strange looking man with a big nose and well conditioned hair. He made a bee line for Angel when he arrived in the house. She smiled and appeared to be groping his groin as they got acquianted. Maybe she heard Davina saying he had a small willy but by the look on her face she seemed quite impressed with the Prince of Persia's package.

So that's our lot. A right mixed bag of pretty, sweet and sour candies for us to gorge on during the summer. Our Dolly Mixtures for 2009. I'm on a high already. Let's hope we don't eat too much and get sick this year.

Shameless

King Terry put the cat amongst the pigeons with his nominations. Ulrika sulked, Lucy gave us a fake smile and Ben said nothing, as usual. It was obvious that talentless Lucy would be evicted. She’s only known for getting her kit off in the red tops so it was no big surprise that her cover up strategy was the worst game plan since Nasty Nick. Please take note Ben!

The best part of Terry’s King task was Latoya’s entrance wearing a jester’s outfit and a false nose that kept falling off. I think the joke went over her head. American’s don’t get irony.

I was hoping to love Tina Malone but this coarse battle axe is just Mimi Maguire with the volume turned up. The sight and sound of her biting her toe nails last week made me sick up a bit of Cornish Pastie.

She claims to be a vulnerable, introvert with a tight arse. The woman is clearly deluded or just a thick twat. She says she wants to lose a bit of weight from her fanny so perhaps that answers my question. I think a heavy minge is least of your worries love. She looked like she was wearing the Diary Room walls in her red Lycra outfit during the electric shock task.

The complete opposite of the Scouse scumbag is Ben Adams. Easy on the eye and self aware, he admits to being the most boring person to have ever stayed in the Big Brother House. I hope he comes out of his shell soon. Getting out of his clothes might help his cause too. Smoking fags and avoiding Michelle’s bum are just not going to win the public over.

Can’t believe Terry said he thought Ulrika was high handed with people at times and yet he sucks up to Coolio at every opportunity. I can’t be doing with men who think it’s OK to have a go at women at every opportunity and yet are quite happy to sit back and accept appalling behaviour by members of the same sex. Shame on you Tel.

I’m not sure I was totally convinced by Michelle’s tearful tantrums this week but why they are allowing Coolio to verbally abuse her and the other females in the house is beyond me. Is it really OK for a man to use abusive language to a woman and then dismiss it later as only playing a game? I wonder what Coolio’s reaction would be if a man ‘joked’ like that with one of his daughters.

Coolio said that the first time he came to London he was a f**king dumb ass. So no change on this trip then.

I’m starting to think that this year’s Jackson is not quite as sweet and innocent as she makes out. Whilst everyone berated Coolio for winding up Michelle & Ben it was actually Latoya who was going around planting the love seeds to anyone who would listen. Her nomination for Ulrika was hilarious. She started off giving a soppy reason until Big Brother dismissed it. Without batting a false eyelash she blurted out a bitch tirade that showed us a glimpse of her true feelings.

I always thought Tommy was a bit of an arrogant toe rag when I’ve seen him on the box but he seems to be a big teddy bear. A very furry teddy bear at that. I’ve not see hairy legs like that since Jo Brand played the Fairfield Halls in Croydon.

Tommy’s not the only hairy housemate this year though. Ben has a thick thatch and someone needs to lend Mutya a BIC for her pits. I know they’re on a tight budget but you can get a pack of 5 for less than a pound so there’s really no excuse for unsightly frizz.

Verne is getting a bit crabby but who can blame him. The housemates are so bored they’ve started inventing games like Catch the Midget.

Return of the Mack

So another Christmas is past and it’s now 2009. I’ve eaten too much and the recycling box is overflowing with empty bottles of Jacob’s Creek. I’ve had 3 weeks off work and should be feeling chilled and revitalised but when I got up this morning it was Shadrach Dingle staring back at me in the bathroom mirror. I decided to set up my new Wii Fit only to be informed by my Nintendo nemesis that I’m overweight and my screen persona suddenly inflated to look like Twiggy from The Royle Family. I was crest-fallen. I gave up after 10 minutes and went outside to have a fag.

Post Christmas telly is always crap. Things got so bad that I suddenly found myself watching Nana Mouskouri, The BB Years on BBC4…………and enjoying it! Thank God for the return of Celebrity Big Brother!

‘Ladies and Gentlemen, the egos have landed’ screamed Davina. I nearly cried with joy but why was she dressed as a big black crow? I know the weather’s been cold but surely wardrobe could have found her something more alluring than a goat skin rug and heavy duty gardening gloves. Pete Burns would be so proud.

She gave us a quick tour round the ‘new’ house first. Apart from a couple of exercise bikes from Argos and 3 old merry go round horses it didn’t look much different. Perhaps Channel 4 is feeling the effects of the credit crunch or maybe they just couldn’t be arsed. Davina did her best to make the minimal changes sound interesting but she was really struggling to win me over with her squeals of excitement over the fact that the beds had thicker mattresses. Is that the best that Dreams could do?

Up first was Michael Jackson in drag. Now I know he’s desperate to make a comeback but I don’t think transvestism is really the best way to win us round. OK so we love Hayley Cropper and quite happy to have our SKY news reports from a voluptuous blonde who used to be called Colin but this is a hair extension too far.

Moody Mutya was up next wearing a sleezy dressing gown and looking like an extra from You Only Live Twice.

Poor little Verne couldn’t get up the staircase so they made him walk round the building to the back door. Not a great idea because his legs are only about 10” long so we had the longest entrance on record. You could feel the tension from the production crew as he finally arrived, out of breath and dizzy, at the Diary Room. The tiny trooper managed to drag his overnight bag into the house like a weary school kid returning home after his first day at school with a bag full of his new reading books and jotters.

Someone who resembles a heavy off Taggart was delivered next to the house. I hate people who refer to themselves as ‘activists’. Usually means they’re attention seeking, wasters who didn’t get enough cuddles from their parents when they were growing up.

Housemate number 5 was someone from Bournemouth who is apparently famous for her boobs. A Tory bird who’s scared of clowns. Now there’s irony for you.

The token cute guy arrived next. The lovely Ben from A1, who has thankfully ditched the hideous hair curtains, got the best reception form the crowd so far. His ideal woman is Dawn French so who does Big Brother chuck in next? Tina Malone. A peroxide Dawn French from Liverpool. Could this be our new Ziggy & Chanelle?

Coolio was next up. Seems like a nice guy but how can you take a 45 year old guy seriously with that hair. On his VT he looked like a giant cockroach. He spent most of the first 24 hours telling people how normal he is and true to his word he let rip with the first massive celebrity fart of 2009.

Jordan’s Geordie bridesmaid was wheeled out next. I have a feeling that Michelle will be a complete waste of space and whine a lot. She’s doing Big Brother to prove to people that she’s not a piss head. Bad plan Michelle. The only reason you still get column space in Heat and Now is so we can all laugh at pictures of you falling out of clubs with no knickers on.

The annoying Northern twat who did The Word (his words) went in next. Claims he’s been in the ‘business’ for 26 years but I have a feeling he’s only worked for 7 of them.

The last housemate to arrive was Queen Ulrika. I know most people can’t stand this Swedish export but I quite like her. I think Tommy likes her too. Maybe this will be baby number 5 with hubby number 5!